Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

You aren't being unreasonable, but maybe just missing something. As a boy mum we sometimes have trouble showing love and caring, not all of us know how to adjust when they marry. When I drop round daughters home with take away or a sack of groceries, wipe a counter, or fold a basket of laundry she's working on, I get a hug and a 'thanks mum." Do the same for your married son and... let's say it's not the same reaction. Perhaps you can find a way for her to help and show her love and care that you aren't offended or annoyed by. not that you need help, but she does. Be kind. Be generous. She made the man you love, after all.

@stacyvaron you are comparing the OP's MIL to yourself. So unless you are a control freak this is not the same. As a pp said, this smells of the MIL thinking the OP is not eating right for her pregnancy. Would you impose yourself like that?

And others keep saying 'put it on olio' but conveniently that has been consistently ignored by people saying 'you can't take raw meat to a food bank' 🙃

I agree. OH needs to have a word. As his family he would more likely be listened to than an outsider. If a behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable I would address it. Often situations develop and progress into much worse scenarios because behaviours are left unchecked. Not saying you or OH should be rude or anything like that but there is nothing wrong with boundary setting in a kind way. If this is from a genuine desire to help and approached in a kind respectful manner then MIL should back off and if it wasn't from a kind place then to be fair whatever reaction you get will speak volumes.

OP has stated she doesn’t need it either.
Personally I’d sit down with MIL, explain that although it is very nice & caring we don’t need the food, don’t eat half of what she buys as it isn’t food we eat & say we’d much rather she put something in the food bank trolly.

All adults here so the conversation needs to be had & son needs to be on the same page as his wife!
I wouldn’t turn down packs of biscuits & tinned stuff I’d eat, right now, but I am dairy & gluten intolerant so there is lots I can’t eat these days, thanks traumatic labour 😂🙄, & what I can eat isn’t cheap.
As for the lower quality meat products I don’t eat a lot of meat so when I do I go mid range, super low fat. I am also lucky to be able to be about how my sausages taste but again it is more a meat that we eat on a monthly not weekly basis.

She sounds like she's trying to help you

@maddy68 help is only helpful if you need or want it.

Olio will accept fresh food, many food banks won't. So the continous cries of 'just take it to a food bank!' are causing frustration because food banks are* *not an option for the cheap meat that MIL has recently started giving OP (the food that has triggered this thread).

FWIW, even though OP could use Olio for packaged meat - obviously not chicken thighs that have been decanted into freezer bags - I don't see why should OP should have to redistribute unwanted food that MIL keeps foisting upon her, presumably because she doesn't agree with her food choices, as people on here are suggesting with food banks/Olio/Facebook.

But that's my opinion. The fact that most food banks won't take fresh food is a fact.

I think she does it out love. Yes she's getting it wrong but her heart is in the right place. Try and find someone who does want it.

This thread has to be one of the most frustrating I've contributed to since joining Mumsnet.

The BLINDINGLY obvious solution that prevents everyone - including MIL - from wasting time and money, is for MIL to stop giving OP unwanted food and/or ask what food they do want. It's not rude, it's common sense.

I can only conclude that there are a lot of people on Mumsnet who have a) an irrational fear of confrontation, b) an excessive amount of free time and/or c) are lacking critical thinking skills, because to suggest that OP should just keep redistributing these bags of unwanted goods is incredibly inefficient for everyone involved.

👏

@Calphurnia88 agreed! I can only assume everyone suggesting Olio hasn't used Olio! It's a great app in some ways but it's time consuming, you have to bid for lots of items, all the items aren't clustered together (unless one person has them, a 'champion') so you would have to go to lots of places, often the food comes on late in the day, one of our champions doesn't allow collection til after 9pm, so anyone with kids asleep like a single mum could never get round there, and even in a city, the items are spread out and often require a car or a walk of 30 min or so to pick them up. Great if you are a single person with lots of time to spare. Not great if you are a mum with three kids, two in bed by 7 and would need to get quite a few food items at once. If you think that's all worth it for a packet of coriander or a few pastries, fantastic, but it is not hassle free. If you are the person who has the food, you have to leave it out on time, have people come around, often they knock etc.

I love Olio, but I know even food on Olio is often binned. It's not 'THE' solution to food waste, it's just a great app if you have the time and energy to add little bits of food to your already well funded diet.

All those people suggesting "just pop it down to the local food bank/soup kitchen" that's all very very but that takes time and effort. If the OP is as busy as I generally am, that's an added burden to her day too. It would need to be dropped off that day if it's short life stuff and they may not be open at the right time. Our local community fridge is only open for around 2 hours a day, when I am at work, and the foodbank doesn't accept fresh food only long life. I think she tactfully needs to explain that she has plans and can't store it, therefore Could MIL either keep it for herself or donate it to someone in greater need.

Congrats you’re in the daily fail

I don't think it was frozen, or partly thawed. I think it was "fresh" and the mil had got it cheap due to damaged packaging and then decanted to a freezer bag (aka "a bag") to put in with the other food items she was giving them.

Because that sounds much more appetising.

It's not unreasonable to not want the food, but your tone sounds ungrateful and snobby, so that's what she is picking up on probably. Just speak to her or ask her son to speak to her and say you're really grateful that she's thinking of you but you don't manage to get through all the food so you don't want it to go to waste. Be careful though because when you have a newborn you'll be grateful for any food anyone brings you!

Indeed, totally agree. And add to this that food banks are ime tightly run organisations which stick to a defined model in order to operate properly. So there are warehouses, distribution points and collection points, each performing a set function. So OP would not be rocking up at ‘the food bank’, they would be finding their nearest collection point. Near me many supermarkets have them, but in some areas you may well have to travel to get to one. And you certainly couldn’t chuck in a bag of raw chicken, for obvious reasons.

Those suggesting a food bank clearly have no idea about them. Thoughtless advice is not helpful is it?

Are you a first time mum? If so I feel like you might appreciate her efforts more once the baby comes. Never in my wildest pre parenthood days could I have imagined the satisfaction that seeing my child eat calcium or iron rich foods brings 😂😂😂 I like the idea of just telling her to stop but if it was me I’d probably just drop it by a food bank or community larder so MIL continues to feel helpful and the food isn’t wasted.

Being given food I didn’t want/need and had to find time to get rid off would have pissed me off even more when I also had babies to deal with. Now they’re all school age, I still wouldn’t want to be given food I don’t want to eat.

That's as maybe, but not OP's problem. She doesn't need/want the food, and it's going to waste. MIL should save her money.

I appreciate that you don't want it need it, but it comes across as you being condescending about brands that millions of folk in the UK can only just afford at the moment. Better choice of phrasing maybe.

You misunderstood me. I meant that once she is a parent she might develop more or of an insight/understanding into why MIL is behaving in this way! I agree with you very much, on a practical level once the baby is here there is no way they are going to have the time or energy for this waste management process.

This could be my Mother! She’s Mediterranean and food is her love language. It’s not only me she does this to, she home cooks great food and freezes it for the whole family (her pasta sauce is legendary), however it is a challenge when she tries to pack me off with half of the fridge, and I politely refuse a lot, but also know it’s her way of showing love and caring for me, so I also indulge her. There are times I really push back and say ‘no mum we just won’t eat that and it will go to waste’. She used to moan that I ate too healthy, that I don’t feed my husband enough, but I just laugh at it now. I completely understand how sometimes it’s annoying and makes you feel that they think you’re not capable of cooking or minding yourself , but they’re parents and my mum doesn’t express her love in other ways (she’s old school, not a ‘friend’ type of parent, and doesn’t show affection, no hugs etc, but she shows it through food). I’m almost 40 and when I call home she still asks if I’ve eaten! I use to get annoyed by it all a lot more and think it was her still trying to control me, but as I get older I just laugh it off. One day soon there won’t be anyone trying to cook or bring me food.

(Todays donations included grated cheese, prawns, a box of Christmas biscuits and daffodil stem things)
My elderly neighbour often gets the 2 for £x offers, even though she only wants one, and then donates all the second stuff to us. Might sound ungrateful, but we don't want it,often this donated stuff sits in the fridge for a week then goes in the bin.
I know she's not short of a few quid, but neither are we, it's not like she's seen an empty fridge here, and it just seems so very wasteful. Every time we go round she starts pulling things out of cupboards to try and give us.
We've tried politely declining and sometimes that slows it for a brief period. I don't like to get too snappy about it because she's quite old and I think it's well intentioned and probably fuelled by post war rationing mentality?
Also I consider that it might be her way of trying to say thankyou for visiting me?