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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

820 replies

Christmasbeach · 22/01/2023 09:21

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 20:51

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/01/2023 20:40

Nanny0gg - what does RTFT mean?

Read the full thread.

If I had a freezer bag of out-of-date chicken thighs for everytime someone commented 'just take it to a food bank' on this thread I could open up my own - only I couldn't, because food banks (quite rightly) won't accept bags of mystery meat, and the vast majority won't accept perishables at all. So it's a pointless suggestion, but people keep making it. Presumably none of them have used or donated to a food bank themselves.

Funfamilytimes · 23/01/2023 20:53

@Ukholidaysaregreat I absolutely love that tv program

PifandHercule · 23/01/2023 20:55

Urgh, I had a similar situation with MIL for years…..It was so upsetting and after many arguments my DH had to finally put his foot down. We were getting so many unwanted items that would simply go to waste.
It’s a form of abuse refusing to respect another adult’s wishes. It comes across more like control than love.
Your DH will have to get involved otherwise the unwanted food will turn into unwanted baby gifts, clothes etc. as it did with us…..🫣😤

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 21:12

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/01/2023 20:40

Nanny0gg - what does RTFT mean?

Read the ... thread

Especially a long-running one with 650 posts.

Not all of it, just the OP's posts and one or two above your own...

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 21:12

Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 20:51

Read the full thread.

If I had a freezer bag of out-of-date chicken thighs for everytime someone commented 'just take it to a food bank' on this thread I could open up my own - only I couldn't, because food banks (quite rightly) won't accept bags of mystery meat, and the vast majority won't accept perishables at all. So it's a pointless suggestion, but people keep making it. Presumably none of them have used or donated to a food bank themselves.

Show quote history

You may say 'full'

That was not the word I had in mind...😎

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/01/2023 21:16

Well then MIL should find someone who wants it.

raspberryjuiceandpompoms · 23/01/2023 21:26

OP stated Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat.
So no it’s not only perishable items.

restingbitchface30 · 23/01/2023 21:26

you sound a little ungrateful tbh. My mil does this with food she has made. She is Indian and thinks we eat appallingly but I don’t care because her cookings great! She may genuinely think she’s being helpful.

WaddleAway · 23/01/2023 21:29

but I don’t care because her cookings great!

Well the situation isn’t comparable then is it? As the OP’s MIL sends food that the OP doesn’t want, won’t eat and that they’ve already asked that she doesn’t send as it will go to waste.

phoenixrosehere · 23/01/2023 21:30

Beverley71 · 23/01/2023 20:41

She is doing it from a place of kindness. Accept it with thanks and what you don’t want take to the food bank.

How is it kindness when it is food that MIL knows OP does not want and usually doesn’t eat?

Cutie101 · 23/01/2023 21:35

How about turning this around. Thank you MIL, I really appreciate the sentiment but right now we really don't need the food, but we may need it, and would love it if you would help us cook when baby arrives, so for now please save your money as we will appreciate it more when I'm on Mat leave and I have less time to cook as I'll be dealing with baby.

RitaBonita · 23/01/2023 21:37

“She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out)”

😆 Health freak on pasta & vegetarian my arse! You need a proper balanced diet girl.

squooz · 23/01/2023 22:27

Yanbu it’s annoying she keeps on when you’ve tried to communicate you don’t want it but yabu that it goes to waste - food banks or round here people put it on freebay sites to help prevent the food waste ( although admittedly annoying that you have to deal with that on top of your own stuff and being pregnant) so overall yanbu!!

Fluffmum · 23/01/2023 22:28

If you don’t want it. Donate it immediately. We give to each in my family regularly I don’t see a major problem

KatysMumJen · 23/01/2023 22:38

marriednotdead · 22/01/2023 09:28

Suggest you ensure your DH is onside, he may secretly like it!
Then join Olio and give it away there, or to a local food bank. Her love language is not one you appreciate but she’s not going to stop so use it in a way others can benefit.

You’re bang on with this.

if you don’t like a donation then pass that kind thought forward by donating said food.
No need for snobbery.
No need to throw someone else’s kind thought back in their face.

I’m pretty certain that this hasn’t been done with any kind of badness your way.

Show the same compassion of thought and be better.

WaddleAway · 23/01/2023 22:40

Not wanting to eat low welfare meat when you can afford not to isn't snobbery.

eastegg · 23/01/2023 22:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

She can’t donate chicken thighs about to go off, to a food bank.

T1Dmama · 23/01/2023 22:49

She’s trying to feel needed still. She’s lost her son to a wife.. tell her she doesn’t to send him home with a goody bag everytime he visits. Explain you shop weekly and meal plan and hate that some of the food is then wasted… tell her you love the thought but you’d rather she kept it for herself and maybe saved a few pennies for when her grandchild is born … tell her she can help you choose an outfit or knit a little jumper or something… she’s trying to be kind, so be kind back but firm… reassure her she doesn’t need to give you something everytime you visit, he loves her just as much without the food.

Quinny2288 · 23/01/2023 23:21

I get you. This is very similar to my MIL buying us tat for the house all the time. We told her about 6-7 years ago not to do it because we don’t have enough room for the stuff, but she continues to do it. We figured it must make her happy to buy and give us the stuff so now we accept it graciously and the stuff goes in the charity bin the same day. Luckily we have a charity shop just 5 mins up the road on the way to the local Tesco and Sainsbury’s so we just drop them off there on the way.

Anyway, it will be hard to request she stops without seeming grateful, so if i were you i would find the nearest food bank to me if its convenient and drop everything off there on the same day as you receive it. If there's a waitrose near you then they usually have a food bank basket near the front so you could just go in there to drop all the food off. Alternatively, could you advertise the free food on the Nextdoor app and ask if anyone wants it they need to pick it up same day so you dont even have to leave your flat?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 23/01/2023 23:25

you can tell most people on here have neither donated food to a food bank (which won't take nearly off meat, or indeed meat at all in most cases) or used Olio or put food on Facebook! All of these are faffy extra jobs that no-one needs to do if they are not given wasteful food of the type they don't eat! I freecycled a few things on the weekend and people are quite fussy and then you have to remember to put the stuff out, pouring rain or not or have people knock on your door. Only one of the three things was taken in the end. Even Olio 'champions' don't get rid of all their going-off food every night, I know as I'll turn out at 11 at night to get something and they will be forcing it into your hands with tonnes left in their 'free boxes'.

The most I would do, as it's easy, is put all tins and non-persishables in the supermarket food bank bin if that's easy to do when already shopping, and everything else is in the real bin.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 23/01/2023 23:30

I had this with DMIL, she was used to giving food to DH and continued when we got together. It was never just one item but stuff that needed to be eaten in 2 days or cooled and frozen, cheese going off in a week, fruit, vegetables, meat etc.
I did the weekly shop and bought what we needed as we wouldn't know what DMIL would gift.
It took a lot of no thank yous and giving it back for her to stop.Now she doesn't do it and it's almost as if it never happened.

It's out of love but to carry on after being asked not to is disrespectful.

Keep refusing and suggesting where she can donate it. shouldn't be your job to take it off her and donate when you never asked for it.

Jack80 · 23/01/2023 23:31

I would accept the nice gesture and anything dry give the food bank.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 23:32

restingbitchface30 · 23/01/2023 21:26

you sound a little ungrateful tbh. My mil does this with food she has made. She is Indian and thinks we eat appallingly but I don’t care because her cookings great! She may genuinely think she’s being helpful.

And is that the same as being given some partly thawed frozen meat?

Why do people do this?

Mamanyt · 24/01/2023 00:01

Whatever you decide needs to be said, your DH needs to say it. His mother, not yours.

KatysMumJen · 24/01/2023 02:49

Pinkfluff76 · 23/01/2023 19:01

Wow this would really annoy me. I despise food waste and I would feel really bad having stuff we don’t need, but there’s no way I’d be eating Asda chicken. All good and well to give it away but that’s a chore for you. Good luck I don’t have any advice, but do sympathise!

“There’s no way I’d be eating Asda chicken”

Take several seats, get a copy of Hamlet and refer yourself to Queen Gertrude.
you are protesting too much and we know you shop at Asda.

Thank you for coming to my Tedtalk.