Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

You are pregnant, not your DP.

Following on from that, she is not your mother -inn -law.

I wish women would stop invoking these legal terms when they are not married, as it leads to the perpetuation of the myth that a there is such a thing as common law husband, which leaves many in the shit when their boyfriend pisses off whistling or dies.

IL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative
I was totally on board with your MIL until I read the above. But I also wonder if your DP made this up, so you would back off, and he could continue to get Mothered!

This is very annoying behaviour. Why should the OP waste time each week going to a food bank or on Olio (which takes a little while to upload the food, then have people come round late at night often) to offload a load of food she never chose in the first place? When she has a tiny baby she won't have the time or energy for that palava.

My mum buys us food quite a lot, but she buys things we already use and if she buys something that I really can't use, and she buys it a couple of times, I do gently say 'we don't really eat that at the moment', usually at a more diplomatic time (not when she's just given it to me!) We don't eat any meat for starters, so all those cheap chicken thighs wouldn't be for us. I appreciate her buying stuff hugely, but only because she listens and likes to get us treats we like, like lots of berries and fruit, not things we don't eat. She asks before things like buying lots of ice creams, which we also like but might not want to eat on a daily basis.

I would get your husband to deal with it OP.

You lost me at ’pregnant professional’ 🤣

IT might have backfired but it is a kind gesture. Health freak; since when has pasta of all things been a health food?

Just say that you give to a food bank and they were really appreciative of the food you have, she will soon stop buying food for you

It’s a great idea to suggest food banks, however OP probably doesn’t have the time as a working professional to be visiting the food bank even 2-3 times a week to donate the perishable items she’s been given.
Remember, this is every single week.
On top of that, she’s already stated in her posts that her local food bank doesn’t accept perishable items, therefore she’d have to resort to Olio etc. Great right? But who, as a working professional has the time to be sat listing food they didn’t ask for, don’t want and tried to refuse - online for others to then come to her home to collect?
OP doesn’t have a food waste issue, OP has a MIL issue.

She may be ‘well meaning’, it could be attributable to ‘that generation’ or she could just be a control freak who doesn’t like OP’s method of feeding herself.

My MIL once took a bag of clothes from someone that was due to donate them to the neonatal ward and brought them to me. I remember being appalled that she’d thought I couldn’t afford to/ wasn’t able to clothe my newborn, more so I was furious that the neonatal ward had missed out on perfectly good items that I’d now ended up with. It’s about control, she knew I wouldn’t dress DD in character clothing but if I somehow felt emotionally compelled, I would.

Multiple other coercive situations occurred which ended with me absolutely lacing her at 8months pregnant and explained that her feelings aren’t more important than mine, in my house. And what happens in my house, is up to me.

Safe to say, we have an understanding now. Some people need the boot, OP.
Also- in your situation I’d do FUCK all and let your husband deal. That’s what mine should’ve done.

oh and congratulations on your pregnancy😘

I think its very sweet of her to want to help out her children. She is a mother who wants to feel helpful. I sometimes give my daughter little bits .Would you refuse if it was your mum doing it? Take her offerings and be greatful even if you donate it to a food bank.

Yanbu you are a couple earning good money and can afford to feed yourselves..She is a typical interfering mil. It’s time that she let her 30yrs old baby boys go and lead their own lives and make their own choices. I would take it as an insult.it’s like her saying you’re not feeding my ds . She should be told in a firm way as the gentle way is not getting through to her. I’m sure she means well, but why should you be grateful you are not poor and are not begging for food Tell her that there are many people out there who would be so very grateful like the homeless and if she wants to feel good about herself then donate to them. If she wants to do something nice then maybe she can treat you both to a nice meal out.

Wow this would really annoy me. I despise food waste and I would feel really bad having stuff we don’t need, but there’s no way I’d be eating Asda chicken. All good and well to give it away but that’s a chore for you. Good luck I don’t have any advice, but do sympathise!

YANBU. Next time she gives you a bag of food, put it to one side, freezing the perishable items. Give it back to her a month later saying you appreciate the thought but the food wasn't getting used and you don't want it to go to waste. Maybe this is what she buys for herself (looks for bargains, lots of her generation shop this way) and is not trying to foist bad food on you. She just doesn't have the same mindset as you. If you give it back to her untouched every time hopefully she'll get the message.

Sharing is caring. I think the intentions here are good. It’s a gesture of love and care. I agree with @musicexport enjoy the kindness and pop want you don’t want down to the local food bank.

Sometimes mothers still want to be involved in their sons lives even when their sons are over 30. She doesn’t know how else to show them that she cares and wants to help. I think your MIL just needs some direction from your DP as to how to express her love better. It’s a nice thing to do and it’s a shame that all food will be going to waste. You can donate to food bank of course. By the way, did you know that Asda and Waitrose have the same meat supplier? So essential Asda is no different from Waitrose essential. Meat is meat, unless you specifically buy pastured organic from your favourite butcher.
There will be more for you to get annoyed along the way, his family is not like yours.
And if were you, I’d try to put myself in your MIL’s shoes and try to build a good relationship. She’s not being purposefully mean or cruel.

You’re coming across as a bit mean. My Mother was always giving us bits and bobs, my SIL does it. In her culture it’s a loving thing to do. If you don’t want it, donate it to a food bank.
BTW, you’re pregnant, not your husband.

I feel like I might have been guilty of something similar myself. When me and my husband were young we lived very much hand to mouth and there were weeks when we could hardly even afford cat food after we'd paid the mortgage, bills and everything else. And so when my son was a student I used to take him basic food parcels of teabags, toilet rolls, his favourite biscuits etc., which he was always delighted with.

Fast forward a few years and he moved in with his girlfriend. I just unthinkingly carried on with the food parcels, as it just seemed a nice thing to do while they were young and just starting out. And then one day I went round and got handed back a big box of red label teabags and it was pointed out, rather awkwardly and apologetically, that they didn't really have a use for them as "we don't really like cheap teabags. But if you use this kind you might as well have them back, and then at least they'll get used."

I felt really embarrassed, but it was a good way to get across that my handouts, though once welcome, were no longer necessary. I didn't feel offended at all. Just a bit of an idiot. 😊

What the hell is a 'newly released burger'?

Her own mother would likely buy her things she actually likes and enjoys.

How do some posters not see the difference between family/people giving you things they know you actually like vs giving things that the person feels you should have despite knowing that you don’t like those things?

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have stuff you don't want foisted upon you and then to be guilt tripped for a perfectly reasonable response?

I don't as this has not happened to me, however I can empathise. You should try it, it makes for being more pleasant to others.

She's doing it out of love ,I'd probably accept it gratefully and discreetly give away what I can't use.Obviously fresh meat is a problem, not inferring it isnt good enough for humans,do you know anyone who has a dog or cat, I cook chicken for my cats a couple of times a week ( one has health issues,the other is just a foodie)
Honestly, how can you be irritated to that extent when someone is just well meaning? I'd love to have had a mum or mum in law around a bit longer to 'annoy 'me in that way...sorry.

That's exactly it: my mum buys me things she knows we love (as she asks) or things she's already seen in my fridge. Plus the odd basic as she knows I'm not fussy about some things. So thoughtful.

I don't think the OP is spoiled just because she doesn't want food foisted upon her, as she has stated she plans her meals what's wrong with that? We all have our personal tastes as to what we want to put in our mouths. The MIL should try and donate it where it may be wanted, or stop over buying perishables and spend that money on non perishables that can be donated easily, if she wants to give food away

I meant 'that's exactly it' to the poster who said their own mum would buy them things they liked or loved, not random crap or stuff they don't normally eat.

When I was growing up in working class Yorkshire it was quite normal for relatives (or even friends) to send visitors home with a bag of food. It doesn’t seem so now, but when everyone was struggling a bit I think everyone shared what they had. Maybe your MIL is still in this mindset?

‘We’re pregnant’? 🤢Sorry, but no, You’re pregnant, your DP is an expectant father.

I have a relative that does similar- her mother did the same, it’s obviously ‘a thing’.. think it comes from a generation that we’re still impacted by rationing.

You’re not being unreasonable to not want it but you’re being unreasonable to be miffed by it.

I get it though I’m pregnant and would have thrown up at the chicken- can you say your struggling with aversions? . It’s hard to know what to do- can you try and redirect her to by baby snacks pouches? They have a long shelf life - You can always give them away if you’re planning on home cooking weaning and someone would probably be so grateful. A couple on the cupboard though is quite handy for on the go.

We receive what we describe as "red cross food parcels" quite regularly from one of our elderly neighbours. She says it's her way of showing gratitude,and whilst we know that it's sent with good intention, we would really prefer her to either give it to somebody that needs it(we are fortunate enough to not need handouts) or to just keep the money in her purse.
It came about because we are neighbourly and give her lifts sometimes. She's lonely, seems to love shopping but doesn't actually need anything. We tried explaining nicely and for a short while the donations stopped, but then after a few weeks,back to normal.
It's not just food. For some reason she didn't like our doormat, so we were sent a different one, along with teatowels, kitchen bits, even plants for the garden!
It's easier just to say thanks, and then pass it to the food bank.