Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

My MIL does this ALL the time

How embarrassing to try and put someone down for being kind. How do you know their son wants the poster to stop? Surely he'd just say as I only know a handful of people who couldn't manage to speak to their parent about this.

I don't see my mum often but when I do she always arms us with leftovers to go home with. I am nothing but incredibly grateful as it's one less meal I have to cook.

I think it’s quite sweet.
My dad buys us treats everyweek when he does their big shop… party rings for the kids, chocolate, fruit, yoghurts, bottle of shloer for the older ones. It’s a nice treat, and I’m grateful for it.

my MIL is a cow, I wish she would do something like this!

What food back is going to take short life chicken thighs in a freezer bag?

@dolor exactly so what an absolute waste to give it to an adult with no financial difficulties who cooks and shops for themselves already! I would be suggesting she spends that money on goods for the food bank. The OP shouldn’t effectively be forced to waste food she doesn’t need or want.

Be firm thank her very much but you don’t need it and if she doesn’t want it you will give it to a food bank. If you don’t do something now just think of what she may bring for your baby.

You would want your MIL to also buy food that you don’t want or like?

I have a MIL like this. Well ex mill. Anytime kids visit her she sends them home with several shopping bags of food and crisps and chocolates and loads of home Meade stuff. Most is stuff they’ll eat there but not once home here.
the thing that grates on me is that she will make birthday cakes and let kids dad bring down when he visits. Always makes me wonder if she thinks I will forget to make my kids a cake…

Think it's weird but sounds like she would give it anyway. Maybe thank her and donate it to the food banks?

You're not being unreasonable. I'd try find someone that might need it local to yourselves.

Nip it in the bud now or she will be a pain for decades to come. I was going to say you should thank her for the extra food, very nice of her, but she seems to give you a jumble of sales items that you don’t even like or want, and she doesn’t care what you think about it (red flag), in the guise of generous parent.

Agree with pp, refuse to take these bags from her. Make sure dh is on same page or she’ll start sneaking them to him to hide in your pantry and fridge and you’ll be finding dented cans of lima beans until the cows come home.

I’d try to find some middle ground. Give her a list of baby things or things you would actually like to have (be brand specific) if she sees them on a good special and let her go to it.

sounds like she is trying to be supportive but missing the target….

Exactly so donate it straight to local food bank or similar. I’m involved in one and they take donations of in date unopened perishables. If MIL finds out it serves her right if she’s miffed this is controlling behaviour

I didn’t read it that way. Didn’t think food could be shamed that it had feelings!! Lol

I think its a generation thing, my late grandmother was the same and my current mil too, but she's so lovely I'd hate to offend her, we accept the food gratefully and decide what to do with it. Fortunately our journeys wouldn't be conducive to defrosted chicken so it's mainly cake, crisps and fruit.

Very controlling behaviour. It’s not kindness to you it’s passive aggressive and serving some deep need in herself. Maybe not letting go of children or something. Your DP is the person to deal with this. If she isn’t listening to him he needs to shout louder. He could take on donating it to charity food places and also make it clear to her that YOU NEITHER OF YOU WANT THIS. Shouting. She’s doing something destructive and judgemental. He has to stand up to her she’s got a problem.

Not the same thing at all.

You want your MIL to buy you food you dont like??? Thats an insult/control rather than a generous gift. Big difference.

Pick your battles OP this is not it

In our culture it is the norm to turn up at your child's home (married or not) with a bag of shopping. DIL who is not from the same culture has gotten use to our ways and is first to check out the bag to see what's in there!

Either 1) Politely decline or 2) If she insists, give her a list of foods you eat regularly but explain anything not on this list you would need to donate as they won’t fit with your meal planning and you would hate for them to go to waste.

Put in firm polite boundaries now because I think it’s clear how much she expects to be involved once the baby is here. You may even need to discuss that ahead of time, to make sure she understands what will work for you and DH.

Pop it into local food bank?

This is where your husband needs to step up. He needs to talk to his mum and explain that it’s really kind of her but it’s not needed! I have been with my husband more than 20 years and I have a great relationship with the in laws and it’s because I don’t get involved, any issues I let him sort and I’m always respectful, whatever happens with her son will be fine but not coming from the dil, it will just escalate!

If she wants to do something kind, then a great idea would be opening up a savings account for the grandchildren and instead of buying food, put a few pennies in there for them, it will all add up for them when they’re older

If you read more closely this is something she is being asked not to do. Repeatedly. It’s beyond the sweet care you’re describing your Mum as doing she’s being asked not to do it it’s also got a judgemental element as she is not buying food that OP likes. She’s buying food which she thinks they SHOULD eat she has an agenda she’s pushing. Er not sure what embarrassment has got to do with it? Who should be embarrassed here? About what?

Can you not put it that whilst you appreciate her trying to help; it’s really not fair because 1 she’s paying out for stuff neither of you really eat or enjoy 2. The food she’s buying is incredibly high in fat; carbs salt sugar & that’s not what we eat we try to eat as healthily as possible to ward off heart disease etc 3. She’s spending money she could be saving to buy something nice for her new grandchild……. Ok baby might get some hideous outfits but they only wear clothes once then they either throw up or shit on them so grin & bare it x