Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

She didn't says she's vegetarian, she said she often eats vegetarian food.

It's not kind to keep forcing someone to have something that they don't want.

Yes you are rude and ungrateful, just pass it along to someone in need or someone who can use it or a food bank.

Why is it on OP to pass it to someone else when MIL could simply stop giving it to them or ask them what they may need? What if she doesn’t know anyone who needs it? OP can’t give raw meat to a food bank.

It’s another task for OP to sort when she shouldn’t have to.

So OP is rude (your words) for not wanting unwanted food, that they've told MIL is unwanted, yet it's totally fine for you to call her a 'bitch' (it's not, which you'll find out when your comment gets deleted for breaking MN terms of use).

Is there raw chicken of dubious provenance in these parcels?

This is a mixed one for me. A friend of mine used to receive bags of food from a relative. All stuff that they thought "you might find useful". She said it was often food that she wouldn't buy herself, but was often from M&S and she usually managed to find something to do with most of it and more often than not there'd be something really nice in there as a treat and often an envelope with some money in too

The relative really just wanted to do some good and spoil them as she had a lot of disposable income whereas my friend was struggling with 3 kids.

BUT, the contents of OP's MIL's bags are not useful and will no doubt cause offense if she tries to get her to stop them. I'm afraid you're likely on a lose-lose path here OP. Criticised for not being appreciative, but will likely be accused of being a snob if you turn it down on the basis of its contents.

I'd say a simple "we really appreciate you thinking of us, but please don't worry. We have plenty of food and I'm well ahead of the game in making sure we have some batch cooked meals frozen for when baby comes. Please spend your money on something nice for yourself instead" (even if you've not!).

Smiling and saying thanks won’t solve the problem. She also needs to lie about eating it when the mother-in-law asks about it so she doesn't get called unappreciative and ungrateful. She also needs to waste food. Do you think not wanting to lie and waste food because the MIL won’t accept no for an answer is unreasonable?

Well because firstly I wouldn’t be painting any surface my baby is eventually going to be chewing on when teething, potentially.

and more importantly, why should as a FT working knackered pregnant woman with a husband working away, spend my evenings painting something which I HADN’T ASKED FOR.

which is the whole point of the thread. It’s putting someone to trouble and wasting their time.

You know what I would do? I’d say “MIL, do you want me to show you how to meal plan, like I do?”

when she looks at you blankly or says “how do you mean?” just say “well, you seem to often buy far more than you need, so I thought you might need a hand with how to do it. It saves wasting so much and saves money, obviously, which means there is more to spend on luxuries like days out. Shall we sit down now and I can show you?”

be extra sanctimonious and patronising. 😏

She’s just being nice. Never understand why people are rude in the face of a gift or kind gesture. No one is forcing you to eat it. Put it on Olio or something if you don’t want it. Why be rude to your MiL?

What's kind about continuing to give someone stuff they have told you they neither want nor need, and have tried to reject multiple times? Seriously?

My MIL does the same thing and it irritates me BUT she means well and in the scheme of things, it's not exactly a huge transgression. She sometimes over-reaches but I choose my battles, and the reality is I need her help sometimes. We're very different people, but I give her the benefit of the doubt and she usually just wants to feels involved.

Your MIL is a feeder, it's how she shows her love. It doesn't cost you anything to accept the food and say thank you, and it might go a long way towards helping her to feel involved in the pregnancy.

"AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?"

You might want to rethink that last comment though - it makes you sound more than a little snobby! You don't have to eat it - maybe you could use it to cook some bulk meals and freeze it so hubby/helping relatives have easy microwave meals when baby arrives?

Cupboard stuff might be quite nice, but Asda essentials meat is awful quality- is she trying to get rid of it, because she doesn't like it or something? Maybe tell her you don't have space in the freezer or have meat aversion during pregnancy?

Agreed. There’s nothing wrong with a lot of the Asda essentials range and you come across as a bit snobbish with this bit.

agree on the whole it’s bizarre she is giving grown adults food. Different if she said “I’m going to the shops do you need me to pick anything up?”

Why be rude to your pregnant DIL, criticising her food habits and buying food that she does not ant nor asked you for?

No one is forcing MIL to buy it either. She is taking it upon herself to do so and if she was really being nice, she could actually ask OP when she is there if she could pick something up for her? That’s being nice and helpful and showing you actually care.

I judge people who use that particularly nasty sexist pejorative about women.

Amusingly, one turned on me on MN fairly recently. They doubled down on what they'd been using their thread to call others, and promptly said that since I'd objected I must be one too.

Oh, how I laughed ...

OP is not being snobby by not wanting to eat cheap poor-quality meat. Nobody needs to eat meat including poor quality.

YABU to say we’re pregnant.

YABU to blame your MIL it’s your DH who keeps accepting the food, he could say no and stop, just as his brother did.

The OP was being snobby though in this instance if you read her post.

I have read her post. She says that she is not a big meat eater so probably doesn't like it that much. That's why her MIL is buying it for her now she is pregnant. Hardly surprising she doesn't want to eat low quality meat.

OP was all right when MIL was giving only her DH food. It is when she started giving OP food as well that it became an issue and MIL complains about her not being appreciative when OP doesn’t want it.

MIL seems to have chosen to do this because OP is pregnant and has her own personal views in what OP should be eating hence is buying these foods when frankly it is none of her business what OP eats.

@Christmasbeach If it's packets/long shelf life stuff, it can go to a food bank. If it's meat that YOU don't want, just bin it. Preferably in front of her. It's the only way you'll get the message across.

Don't feel guilted into eating something you don't want.

I agree with you HOWEVER OP did phrase it clumsily...

AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

Its the inclusion of 'professional' in the question that has people's backs up. I do get it - I buy better quality food now I can afford to - but the implication is that non-professional (presumably lesser paid or unemployed) should be more grateful for cheap handouts.

I assumed OP included that word to emphasise that she’s self-sufficient, not a uni student (as per her second paragraph) and therefore doesn’t need food handouts from parents or to live on cheap food.

But I agree that it’s an unfortunate choice of words.