Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

You do understand there are some really lovely MIL’s out there and also some absolutely batshit crazy nutters that refuse to accept grown up children make their own life choices.

If you've not experienced this, of course it is easy to dismiss how it feels. Be glad you've not been treated like this!

Newsflash!!!! It's not about the chicken !!!

It's about ignoring your wishes! Yes, it probably wasn't meant in a bad way, but that is not the point being made!

@IloveRioja the chicken wasn't frozen. The packaging was damaged so the MIL put it in a freezer bag. It had reached its use by date and the OP had no way of knowing when the original packaging had been damaged to allow bacteria into the pack. I would have thrown it away as well.

I don't care lol, chicken could have been rotting and I'd have just said thank you. I cannot imagine getting this wound up over it. My MIL brings me stuff like picnic baskets and ice cube trays weekly that she no longer wants, just say thank you and move on😂

My mum sends me food parcels. Kids love them as so many biscuits and cakes

This is how she shows her love. If you don't want it just donate what you can and throw rest away. My mil buys me clothes that don't fit, but she has a good heart. I just thank her and donate it. My sister sometimes likes a few bits of it rest goes to Salvation Army. She lives far away so not like she sees me not wearing it. I'd rather have a mil who likes me and wants to gift me stuff than a nasty one. My first mil was a nightmare so accepting a few bits of new clothing from second one is much better.

Amen!

When I go down to see my dd about 160 miles away she always asks if I can make her a lasagne or a stew and bring with me. Whilst I am there I often batch cook Bolognese or shepherds pies for her freezer. She works a lot of hours and always loves home cooked meals for freezer. She buys ingredients ready for me to cook. Sil comes home and asks what I've made for him too. I sometimes bake a cake, cheese scones or quiche while DD upstairs wfh. Sil often takes leftover portion for lunch following day.

My MIL has been doing this for 30 years, just wait until she starts sending food for the children because you don't feed them properly (we cook from scratch, and smaller portions than they eat). It's her way of trying to help, but it feels terrible because they are on a very low income, and we are high earners.

It’s not really about food, it’s about the fact that your MIL still treats your DP like he’s her little boy to look after, not a capable grown up man, and he happily lets her. By feeding you, she is making you an extension of her ‘children’, and the fact that she bumped it up when you were pregnant makes perfect sense - she wanted to hang on to her status as mother/feeder of the family by turning you into a frozen-in-time adolescent too. Whether you can put up with your DP’s acceptance of the food/pathetically nostalgic mothering without your vagina sealing over is entirely your decision.

Oh just leave her be. Maybe if you don’t want it see if someone else would like it?

Another poster who can't read 🙄 this isn't about food. It's about control.

If you’ve already been straight with her about not needing the help and she’s ignoring suggestions of things that would be welcome, for the sake of your mental well-being, I would just smile and accept. Bin any fresh stuff you can’t use, and donate any in date store cupboard items to the food bank when you go shopping. If she asks about what you’ve done with the food, just don’t respond. She’s enjoying getting a reaction. If this works it should help ward off future similar problems.

For those suggesting Olio, I wouldn’t give away dodgy chicken or anything like it, no one deserves risking their health, including families who are struggling.

@caringcarer Good. For. You. But if they told you they didn't want it, would you keep doing it?

Gifts that make extra work for you are bloody annoying.
MIL does something like this - she gives tickets or vouchers for an experience etc for bdays and Christmas without thinking about how we will organise travel, kids, dog, work etc.

I would just smile and accept.
But then it would continue. And it would continue when the baby arrives.
Intentionally or not, the message it's giving the OP is that MIL thinks she's not feeding her OH properly.

What if it wasn't food but toys, and it was large or potentially dangerous toys? Should she accept those if she neither needed or wanted them?

@KirstenBlest Absolutely. We used to smile and accept and we had cherry pies coming out of our ears for years until we said enough! Then she got offended. There is no nice way around this.

@Mehmeh22 , there is. DP should tell his mother that the food isn't needed or wanted.
If she persists, then he could remove it from the car - not nice but he needs to be firm.

Going by my lived experience, there isn't a nice way around it. You accept it, you're lumbered with crap constantly and you get resentful. You give it back or say no, she gets offended.

OP has already said she's vegetarian and that her MIL dislikes that she is

THIS! Quoting this post to bump it! Ffs

Absolutely not the same as the op. Your dd ASKS YOU to do this. If she asked you not to would you ignore her and do it anyway. I think not.

😆

I can't understand, since MIL is in Asda and planning to buy food for her son and DIL anyway, why she can't message or ask them if they need anything? That would be way more helpful than choosing things she thinks they should be eating.

Obvs it would be rude for OP to give her the entire shopping list for the week but potentially asking for a couple of items might solve the issue? MIL gets to treat them/look after them, they get something they will like

lol that's exactly what happened with me.