Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

I'm shocked at the amount of people pleasers on here who feel it's OP responsibility to graciously accept shite she doesn't want then make her own arrangements to dispose of it. She's gently told MIL she doesn't want/need it and er husband is well aware. MIL has selfishly chosen to ignore because doing this makes her feel good.
Now she's upped the anti, probably in preparation for future maternity/baby stuff to come. Husband has told her again and she has the gaul to say OP is unappreciative. Darm right she is! What I'm perplexed by too is why this is perceived as a gift for OP rather than D and why husband is reporting this back rather than growing a pair and saying Mum, STOP. This is a husband problem as much as a MIL.
I would give Mt husband 1 last chance to sort things but after that I'd be speaking my mind. Maybe even resort to turning up at their house with random gifts, eg maybe a pile of old newspapers (you've heard they're handy for window cleaning) or some potatoes peelings for a face mask!!

No you dont deserve it-you’ve done everything right. You have said your grateful for the thought and asked politely for her not to. If she cared about your opinion, she would have stopped. She’s either controlling or doesn’t approve of your vegetarian choices. You dont have to accept someone buying you food you dont want just because there is a cost of living crisis. If she likes being charitable, suggest that you saw the local food bank desperately need donations of non perishable food.

It really winds me up that some people on here think that MIL’s shouldn’t respect their grown adult children’s opinions.

You need to stop it now (in a firm but polite way) before you baby comes along.

DP has tried to stop this numerous times over the year but he reckons it’s a game she enjoys (the more we contest the more she fights to ensure it ends up in our kitchen).

Huge red flag and doesn’t bode at all well for her relationship with you/her future grandchild when your baby is born. This isn’t coming from a place of love at all, but of control.

You honestly need to put some serious boundaries in place. How is she getting the food to you? If she’s physically giving it to you/your DH, as I presume she is, you need to just stop accepting it. Completely. Don’t make excuses, don’t be polite, just refuse it point blank. You’ve told her this is stuff you don’t want, and she’s chosen to ignore you, so the time for being polite has passed.

You say your relationship is hanging by a thread already, and I’m not surprised if she has so little respect for you. So let it hang. Let that thread break if she’s determined to break it. Why are you the only ones trying to take care it doesn’t break? Why is all that responsibility on you?

She’s the one who stands to lose out most if she destroys her relationship with you. Maybe if you stop dancing to her tune she’ll realise that she needs to behave like a reasonable human being if she wants to see her grandchild. In any case, there’s potential for her doing harm to your future family if she’s determined to ride roughshod over all your boundaries, and you’re not able to stand up to her.

You’re going to be parents yourselves soon, and protecting your child has to take precedence over pandering to MIL. Start practising saying no to her now.

Could you let her know that you haven't been eating the meat and it's such a shame that it's going to waste. Tell her she doesn't need to give you anything, and while you appreciate the thought, it is unecessary. If she wants to give you anything, then perhaps suggest fruit and see if she takes the hint.

Otherwise like others have said, I would reject it on the spot. Open the bag, take things out one by one and say 'hmm we wont eat that, sorry, can you make use of it?' and put it back on the table or in the fridge.

Totally agree. This is a husband problem as much as a MIL. This isn't about being kind, This is suggesting shut up and put up....forever. No. Everytime it happens, get husband to deal with it. I'd resort to putting the bag in his car! BIL seems to have cracked it eventually, sure husband can.

This! Clearly some people think those who use food banks or are homeless don't deserve safe food.

This has been interesting for me….

I buy one of my adult children a shopping bag or 2 mid to end of the month when I know they are struggling to stretch things out. However I buy more treat items that I know they ordinarily can’t afford.

This month with the prices increasing so much, I gave them a gift card for their local super market so they could stock up on their preferred shopping. Maybe make this suggestion to MIL, I’m sure like me, she has good intentions .

Just practice saying the following: "Oh thanks for all the groceries!! Do you have a preference as to which food bank I drop them at??"

Well I’m 44 and my mum still buys me food. Mostly stuff like expensive croissants and posh bread that I wouldn’t buy otherwise - I totally don’t complain and am very appreciative . So I don’t think this is an issue in principle-they are financially more secure than us although we frankly don’t need their help.

but I would hate to be given cheap meat especially as we don’t eat much meat. And any insinuation that I needed to “fatten up” in pregnancy I wouldn’t be happy with at all.

@Christmasbeach - you didn't deserve a flaming at all.

Unfortunately on AIBU this is what tends to happen.

Isn't that most of Mumsnet?

My son’s a (very) mature student so I buy him food. The difference is that we go to the supermarket, he fills the trolley with the instruction not to hold back and I pay. That’s entirely different to what’s happening here.

Some mothers just want to continue to provide for their kids, even when they no longer need looking after. My Mum brings bags and bags of food every time her and my dad come to stay, usually including a full meal for us all to eat. It used to really wind me up. I felt she didn’t trust me to have a fully stocked fridge. Now I just go with it. I’ve realised it makes her feel useful when she no longer has kids at home to look after.

Oh give over. Not everyone is struggling and the OP shouldn't have to eat cheap shite she doesn't want just because some people are having a harder time. It's not a race to the bottom where we all end up in sackcloth and ashes.

Can DP ask BIL how he got the message across to MiL?
She's coming from a kind place but maybe ask her to save her money for a good baby gift?.. she could buy a Moses basket or something nearer the time

fyi - lots of food banks do take fresh fruit, veg, meat, cheese, bread, eggs etc. Some don't as they don't have any refrigeration or have too limited opening times. You need to find out what your local one wants and can accomodate.

but quite agree that no place (maybe not even Olio?) will want repackaged stuff.

If one more person says 'take it to the Food Bank, I'll bloody SCREAM!

Watch out when the baby comes, OP!

My MIL is a lot like yours - it's not a proper meal unless it has a huge slab of identifiable meat, something potato-based and two other veg. She was openly critical of my low-meat diet.

When our first baby was 4 months old, we left him with her, at her suggestion, while we house hunted local to her. I left two full bottles of expressed milk. She said no, all mine were having Farley's rusks at this age, mixed with cow's milk and that's what I'll give him. I said a very clear and emphatic NO, that he was not yet weaned and he was on breast milk only... and that when it came time to introduce him to anything else, it would be done by me and my OH, not her, and it would certainly not be rusks (the advice at the time was to avoid wheat until a certain age[.

Came home five hours later to find her shovelling Farley's rusks into him like no tomorrow. The expressed milk was in the bottle on the kitchen worktop. She claimed he had been "too hungry" for his bottle.

I tell you now I fumed for years. It was so deliberate and controlling on her part. I didn't leave my DC with her again until the youngest was 5 yrs old... and then, only under duress, on one or two occasions.

OP, don't let this happen to you. If I look back at how this all came about, I failed to stand up properly for my eating choices when she was critical, preferring to just roll with the punches.

I go to a food bank every week. It's more of a food share/warm space type of place, and anyone in our village is welcome to come and get whatever the big supermarkets have donated.

There is a wide variety of food there, including meat, cheese, cold meat etc.

I think it depends on the coordinator as to what can be acceptable. Ours drives to Glasgow once a week to get whatever is available. It isn't the same stuff each week. Sometimes there are carrots and sometimes there's steak (!)

We have a free lunch there, too.

Surely food banks dont accept fresh goods? Anyway my DM used to buy Biscuits and chocolate for us (DC had a whole carrier bag once!) sometimes she would sneak in a tin of fruit or something else as well. She was being kind I think .Your MIL is trying to help in her own way ,but its annoying .Just say to her you appreciate the thought,but maybe some things like Toilitries or soaps type of thing instead.Some nice teas ?

Just stick the damn food the bin and be done with it then if trying to donate is going to be a big drama.
It is beyond me why someone giving a bag of food is so upsetting.

Read the thread. You haven't been flamed and a lot think you're absolutely right.

And if she thinks it's a game - give it back to her every single time. Doesn't matter if she thinks you're being ungrateful. She's being controlling (and I hate that word)

Do. Not. Accept. It.

Donate the food. Then your keeping your MIL happy . She obviously gets a lot of pleasure from doing this and sees it as her way of helping. And your also doing a good deed where all the food will be appreciated and eaten by someone in need

Came home five hours later to find her shovelling Farley's rusks into him like no tomorrow. The expressed milk was in the bottle on the kitchen worktop. She claimed he had been "too hungry" for his bottle

I would not have been responsible for my actions (or words) if this had happened to me. What a dreadful thing to have done. No wonder MILs have a bad name on here sometimes.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I'm curious why you didn't just paint the cot in a colour you preferred then?