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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

820 replies

Christmasbeach · 22/01/2023 09:21

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 22/01/2023 14:17

telll her youve both gone vegan, and any stuff she send take it to a food bank

Calphurnia88 · 22/01/2023 14:17

kitsuneghost · 22/01/2023 14:13

Just stick the damn food the bin and be done with it then if trying to donate is going to be a big drama.
It is beyond me why someone giving a bag of food is so upsetting.

Show quote history

Or MIL could just stop giving them unwanted food???

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2023 14:18

I’m now bricking if this is picked up as I’ll be totally fucked as our relationship (with MIL) is already hanging by a thread

Judging by the responses on here, you're not the only one whose MIL does this, so you can just claim it wasn't you if she starts anything.

It seems to me that there are quite a lot of MILs who "donate" unwanted stuff to their sons and DILs. It isn't just you. I often see threads on here on this topic.

Blossomtoes · 22/01/2023 14:20

It seems to me that there are quite a lot of MILs who "donate" unwanted stuff to their sons and DILs. It isn't just you. I often see threads on here on this topic.

It’s always MiLs though, isn’t it? Never mums. Do those women not do it to their daughters do we think? Or are MiLs held to a higher standard?

OriginalUsername2 · 22/01/2023 14:23

Drop it straight round to the food bank and tell her why you don’t need it. You’re not being ungrateful you’re being sensible and practical.

You’re offended and she thinks you’re ungrateful.

In these instances it always comes down to who DP sides with. He could be telling his mum “You’re really offending her” but he’s telling you “she feels like you’re being ungrateful”.

kitsuneghost · 22/01/2023 14:23

Blossomtoes · 22/01/2023 14:20

It seems to me that there are quite a lot of MILs who "donate" unwanted stuff to their sons and DILs. It isn't just you. I often see threads on here on this topic.

It’s always MiLs though, isn’t it? Never mums. Do those women not do it to their daughters do we think? Or are MiLs held to a higher standard?

Not really. I think it seems more unwelcome to some when it's husband's mum rather than their own is all. My dad always tries to send stuff to with me too.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 22/01/2023 14:26

dottiedodah · 22/01/2023 14:12

Surely food banks dont accept fresh goods? Anyway my DM used to buy Biscuits and chocolate for us (DC had a whole carrier bag once!) sometimes she would sneak in a tin of fruit or something else as well. She was being kind I think .Your MIL is trying to help in her own way ,but its annoying .Just say to her you appreciate the thought,but maybe some things like Toilitries or soaps type of thing instead.Some nice teas ?

Some do. It depends entirely on the space we have. We don't accept it within the bank stockrooms as we don't have cold storage. But we do accept regular, organised fresh donations from local suppliers, it is brought to us specifically for the clients we know we will be getting through the doors. The supplier who store it all for us uses his refrigerated van and our clients can have a rummage, see what he has.

We also have a Help Yourself Shelf - for the odd bits and bobs, allotment donations etc

But we don't accept donations of meat and fish from unknown places, people.

OriginalUsername2 · 22/01/2023 14:27

Christmasbeach · 22/01/2023 13:22

I’ve been flamed here and I deserve it. I’m hormonal and MIL has done a lot recently that’s grinding my gears and I was pissed off to wake up to ‘how did you cook your chicken last night?’ She also called DP which he answered that we had our left over chilli instead which of course he’s been flamed by her for being wasteful (that I feel is aimed at me as I do the majority of cooking around here). I went back to sleep as I feel like today isn’t the day for me.

I am really sorry for being a spoilt brat. There is a cost of living crisis and that’s why I don’t mind us getting cupboard items as we can pass them on, but the local food banks around here don’t take fresh food. The App is a good suggestion as I didn’t know it existed - the chicken is in the bin, as I didn’t want to risk myself having food poisoning, just because someone is struggling doesn’t mean they deserve to play roulette with food poisoning either.

I mentioned more that they’re basic items as in we’re not struggling, neither is she, and it’s not even ingredients we’ve ever expressed a taste for. She knows we both love fruit, and if she gave us a bag of essential apples or kiwis it would make much more sense and we would bloody eat them. I feel she’s given us sausages etc as she knows I’m not a massive meat eater (more to do with environmental reasons/lazy cook/health) and she reckons you need meat to survive.

Again, I’m really sorry if I’ve made anyone feel shit. I just needed a rant earlier and wasn’t expecting more than 5 replies. I’m now bricking if this is picked up as I’ll be totally fucked as our relationship (with MIL) is already hanging by a thread.

DP has tried to stop this numerous times over the year but he reckons it’s a game she enjoys (the more we contest the more she fights to ensure it ends up in our kitchen).

You don’t deserve a flaming at all. What adult wants another adult policing their meals?! Phoning up to check you’ve eaten it and getting mad if you haven’t?!

kitsuneghost · 22/01/2023 14:29

Untitledsquatboulder · 22/01/2023 13:57

This! Clearly some people think those who use food banks or are homeless don't deserve safe food.

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Don't think they are sanctimonious. Perhaps as so many on here preach about food banks they assume OP would prefer that to just binning (which is the reason I suggested it). After all if she probably wouldn't be on mumsnet if the was comfortable with just chucking it. It would be straight in the bin, nothing to see here.

nopuppiesallowed · 22/01/2023 14:30

Perhaps this is the way she shows her love - her 'love language'. My lovely MIL often brought us cakes. I really appreciated the thought, time and effort she put into it. I'm not saying you shouldn't discretely give the food to the food bank if appropriate, but it looks as if your MIL is doing it out of love...

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 14:31

This was always going to be a tone deaf thread. It takes a lot to be so oblivious uou post a thread and tell folks uou keep getting free food and you don’t want it, particularly as it’s cheap food.

so many folks are struggling now. It’s like posting a thread saying my diamond shoes are too tight.

sometimes it is good to be aware of the world around you.

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2023 14:32

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 14:31

This was always going to be a tone deaf thread. It takes a lot to be so oblivious uou post a thread and tell folks uou keep getting free food and you don’t want it, particularly as it’s cheap food.

so many folks are struggling now. It’s like posting a thread saying my diamond shoes are too tight.

sometimes it is good to be aware of the world around you.

Well said.

starlight48 · 22/01/2023 14:33

This is not about MIL buying cheap meat at all really
It's about OP not wanting the obligations and emotional bonds which come with marrying a man with a mum who still loves and feels attached to him.......
Basically, if your adult son gets married just pass off

kitsuneghost · 22/01/2023 14:33

kitsuneghost · 22/01/2023 14:29

Don't think they are sanctimonious. Perhaps as so many on here preach about food banks they assume OP would prefer that to just binning (which is the reason I suggested it). After all if she probably wouldn't be on mumsnet if the was comfortable with just chucking it. It would be straight in the bin, nothing to see here.

Show quote history

Sorry quoted wrong post there.

hiredandsqueak · 22/01/2023 14:33

I think MIL is trying to do a nice thing, annoying if you don't want it though. I do confess to sending my adult dc home with my homebaking when they visit on a Saturday, they don't complain and always bring back the tubs for me to refill. I would be a bit hurt if they were complaining behind my back tbh. I love to bake but don't eat it myself so that's why I send it back with them.

starlight48 · 22/01/2023 14:33

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Nanny0gg · 22/01/2023 14:35

hiredandsqueak · 22/01/2023 14:33

I think MIL is trying to do a nice thing, annoying if you don't want it though. I do confess to sending my adult dc home with my homebaking when they visit on a Saturday, they don't complain and always bring back the tubs for me to refill. I would be a bit hurt if they were complaining behind my back tbh. I love to bake but don't eat it myself so that's why I send it back with them.

But they've told her they don't want it and she isn't listening

So it's not a nice thing at all.

Calphurnia88 · 22/01/2023 14:35

So many folks are struggling now.

They are. Which is why MIL should stop buying cut-price food for family members who have told her they don't want or need them. She is depriving other people, who are more in need, the opportunity of buying them.

Nanny0gg · 22/01/2023 14:37

starlight48 · 22/01/2023 14:33

This is not about MIL buying cheap meat at all really
It's about OP not wanting the obligations and emotional bonds which come with marrying a man with a mum who still loves and feels attached to him.......
Basically, if your adult son gets married just pass off

The OP's husband and his brother don't want it

So don't blame the OP.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 22/01/2023 14:41

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 14:31

This was always going to be a tone deaf thread. It takes a lot to be so oblivious uou post a thread and tell folks uou keep getting free food and you don’t want it, particularly as it’s cheap food.

so many folks are struggling now. It’s like posting a thread saying my diamond shoes are too tight.

sometimes it is good to be aware of the world around you.

Nah

Hellybelly84 · 22/01/2023 14:43

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 14:31

This was always going to be a tone deaf thread. It takes a lot to be so oblivious uou post a thread and tell folks uou keep getting free food and you don’t want it, particularly as it’s cheap food.

so many folks are struggling now. It’s like posting a thread saying my diamond shoes are too tight.

sometimes it is good to be aware of the world around you.

Shes asking someone not to buy food that is going to get wasted. The complete opposite of being tone deaf. All thats happening is food is being wasted - do you have someone decide your meals for you as a grown up?

2weeksleft · 22/01/2023 14:44

I totally sympathise, my grandma as lovely as she is has made me cheese and onion pie and lots of soups this week. The thought is there but I’ve been vegan for 5+ years and she is well known for cooking absolutely everything with lard so the soup is off the cards too. My friends are eating well this week though!x

Backstreets · 22/01/2023 14:44

YANBU OP, she's treating you like students living on your own for the first time.

Wishiwasmycat · 22/01/2023 14:45

fiesta · 22/01/2023 09:30

Hmm honestly I think you are not coming off well and coming across as snobbish.. it might be mildly irritating but is this really a hill you want to die on? She is trying to be generous. I know MIL have a bad rep on MN and sometimes rightly so in this case I think you are overeacting

I’ve had this situation myself. My MIL would bring bags and bags of food, mostly processed meats, once some thawing pork chops that were actually rancid, while usually muttering under her breath at the meals I made her when she came to visit. Also bags of biscuits, sweets etc. just too much and it was no use trying to stop her.
not wanting to have loads of food foisted on her does not make the OP a snob. It is actually really stressful having food that you don’t want and how to dispose of it so as to cause minimal food waste.
olio is a great app to use and local community centres will take stuff too.
OP, I feel your pain. I really do.

dontleaveitthere · 22/01/2023 14:45

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 14:31

This was always going to be a tone deaf thread. It takes a lot to be so oblivious uou post a thread and tell folks uou keep getting free food and you don’t want it, particularly as it’s cheap food.

so many folks are struggling now. It’s like posting a thread saying my diamond shoes are too tight.

sometimes it is good to be aware of the world around you.

If it had been something else would that it better?

Mil knows the op doesn't wear many pink clothes and has commented as such in the past. Then repeatedly buys bags and bags of pink clothes for her and gets offended when the op doesn't wear them

Despite being told nicely numerous times it's not necessary and that they really have no need for these pink things she refuses to stop. In fact she sees it 'as a game' and ramps up her efforts. Leaving pink clothes in cars sneakily as she knows otherwise they'll be handed back

These aren't the well intentioned actions of someone caring. This is controlling. And as I said before, it's going to get a hell of a lot more intense when the baby gets here.

@Christmasbeach if you get past the whole hooha because it's food and you're not allowed to be upset about that there are a few of us commenting on how controlling this behaviour is. How did your dhs brother stop it? Your dh needs to stop this now. Is this her first grandchild?

Boundaries. Anyone who crosses them so regularly and sees it as a 'game' when you push back are people to be very wary of.