Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

I wouldn’t get involved with it at all. I’d make it entirely my bloke’s issue - which it obviously is. “Your mum’s done it again. Can you deal with this food, please? I’m not having anything to do with it, it’s up to you how you dispose of it.” Every time. I guarantee it will be stopped.

Stop taking the mental load and put it where it belongs. His mum, his problem.

This is almost certainly controlling behaviour, the MILs other comments on meals out very much back this up.

I understand OP, my mum does similiar, just on a lower level but its still very annoying. I worked out its a/ a different love language b/ a bit of an ADHD (impulsitivity and ability not to listen to what we say), c/ compansation for not so happy marriage. Its tiring.

I’ve been flamed here and I deserve it. I’m hormonal and MIL has done a lot recently that’s grinding my gears and I was pissed off to wake up to ‘how did you cook your chicken last night?’ She also called DP which he answered that we had our left over chilli instead which of course he’s been flamed by her for being wasteful (that I feel is aimed at me as I do the majority of cooking around here). I went back to sleep as I feel like today isn’t the day for me.

I am really sorry for being a spoilt brat. There is a cost of living crisis and that’s why I don’t mind us getting cupboard items as we can pass them on, but the local food banks around here don’t take fresh food. The App is a good suggestion as I didn’t know it existed - the chicken is in the bin, as I didn’t want to risk myself having food poisoning, just because someone is struggling doesn’t mean they deserve to play roulette with food poisoning either.

I mentioned more that they’re basic items as in we’re not struggling, neither is she, and it’s not even ingredients we’ve ever expressed a taste for. She knows we both love fruit, and if she gave us a bag of essential apples or kiwis it would make much more sense and we would bloody eat them. I feel she’s given us sausages etc as she knows I’m not a massive meat eater (more to do with environmental reasons/lazy cook/health) and she reckons you need meat to survive.

Again, I’m really sorry if I’ve made anyone feel shit. I just needed a rant earlier and wasn’t expecting more than 5 replies. I’m now bricking if this is picked up as I’ll be totally fucked as our relationship (with MIL) is already hanging by a thread.

DP has tried to stop this numerous times over the year but he reckons it’s a game she enjoys (the more we contest the more she fights to ensure it ends up in our kitchen).

Take it to the food bank? Or tell your oh to grow a pair and tell his mum that she is wasting her money as you aren't managing to eat it and it's going in the bin.

Just say thank you then chuck it in the bin.

Option 1. Check what yourocal food bank need (most post lists of what they are short of) and ask her for them in her next bag.
Option 2. Tell her "thanks for the food MIL, the local food bank are really appreciating all these donations :)"
Option 3. Tell her you really appreciate the gesture but the truth is you like planning and shopping for your own meals and you have to be honest that the food she is giving you gets either wasted or donated.

She doesn't have to understand your ways but she should accept them.

I feel your pain though as my MIL's love language is via feeding. I did suffer a bit in the early days leaving with a car packed full of produce we didn't want and local things neither DH or I knew how to cook. Over the years it has turned in to her cooking my favourites when we go to visit or adding extra carrots to her stews because she knows I love them. We still leave with loads of food but we make sure to ask for things like say we love her tomatoes or the eggs she gave us last time were amazing so she is happy offloading on to us and we are happy that we are leaving with stuff we will use. She is a really great woman though so ymmv if your MIL isn't as lovely.

I've been so distracted by the onslaught of posts from people who clearly haven't used or donated to a food bank, that I hadn't even noticed this.

I suspect that MIL has some funny incorrect opinions on what is 'healthy' food and vegetarian doesn't fall into that. I know OP isn't vegetarian, but she said she eats a lot of vegetarian food, which MIL has commented on, and I don't think it's a coincidence that now she's pregnant she's started buying her cheap meat. It's not kind, it's wasteful, and it's controlling.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Possibly eggs ?😁

@Christmasbeach - Quick question for you if you'll allow. Are you on speaking terms with your BiL? If you are, and you don't think he would mind a call from you (not your DH), why don't you phone him and find out how he got his mother to stop buying food for him?
That way you will be using the same argument that her other son used on her.

Failing that, could you suggest to your MiL that you really appreciate the thought but with so many people going hungry, you would much prefer her to make the donation to her local food bank so someone in much more immediate need could get the benefit of her kindness? You actually don't need the food and so many others do. Play her kindness and generosity back at her so to speak.

I’ve been flamed here and I deserve it. No you don’t! I hate food waste and it would really piss me off to be given food I don’t want to eat. I really think you need to say to her - thank you for the gesture but it isn’t really stuff you eat, and there’s really no need to give you food. It’s completely bizarre imo.

(However this has reminded me of my lovely late MIL who used to always buy us little Mr Kipling cakes, used to live going there for a bit of a treat!)

Lots probably.How is that relevant? They might be grateful, she's not. Let's forget it's food. We've all had birthday gifts we don't want. We smile and accept its the thought that counts . Now let's imagine you're constantly gifted lily of the value bath cubes and umbrellas.....stuff you do not want, every week! Why should she be appreciative?

Just this - my lovely nana used to do this, I gratefully accepted the items she insisted I take home and then donated the ones we wouldn't use to a food bank

Don't waste but be kind and pass it on

I haven’t read every post but you are getting a hard time from a few on here!

I certainly wouldn’t eat it chicken from a damaged package (who knows when it was damaged) even when not pregnant! I am also in a fortunate position like yourself where I don’t have to eat low welfare meat so I don’t. I also meal plan and so if someone gave me some essential sausages and I was planning to have sausages that week, I’d already have some from the butchers ready to use and I know which one I’d rather use. If I wasn’t planning a meal with sausages then I could cook them but then the ingredients is bought for the meal I was originally cooking would go to waste, which would most probably amount to more than one pack of sausages. For those saying batch cook, that’s fine but I wouldn’t have space in my freezer and the OP is pregnant with a full time job so probably doesn’t have the energy. To be honest I’d then probably realise that I’d used ingredients I don’t like to cook it and it would most likely not get eaten anyway. My alternative would be to pass it on if anyone would want it or throw it and that would annoy me as my bin is always full of my 4 month old and 2 year olds nappies. I don’t have the room for unexpected rubbish!

I agree, it is a waste of food but it isn’t the OP wasting it, it’s the MiL for bringing bags of unwanted food in the first place. For those saying take to a food bank, they aren’t going to accept meat donations! And yes, there are lots of people who would be grateful for this food but it doesn’t make the OP ungrateful for not wanted it when she doesn’t need it.

Your DH needs to say something and nip this in the bud.

Yes, I'm just imagining those awful knitted booties, or maybe an outdated cot bumper or some equally obsolete item.
I'd give husband 1 last chance to sort this then I'd be resorting to rudeness....maybe arriving at her door with to return the food.

Why is it the pregnant WOMAN's job to manage the unwanted goods being dumped on them, which her DH has already told the Mil to stop dumping on them?

Not to mention the fact that much of its perishable and is not only useless ot any foodbank but actually costs them money.

But hey, what really matters here is enabling somebody to virtue signal at others' expense.

Some people are obsessed with meat

your mil clearly thinks one cannot have a decent diet with out meat

sad

And till they come...

still - bollocks!

I don't think she's a control freak at all. This is what mum's and nans did. My Nan bless her showed her affection through food all the time, everytime we visited she fed us and would send us home with stuf, her kids and the grandkids I was 40 when she died. She didn't mean any harm she just wanted to make sure we all fed and taken care of and I miss my nans bizarre food packages. If you don't want it just accept with a smile say thanks and donate it to a food back if it is too below you to eat

I'm 38 and my dad brings me food! The difference is that it's stuff he knows I like
Or sometimes he says "meet me at Tesco and we will have a coffee" and he will insist on paying for my food shop
He dropped some fruit jelly sweets off last week as we had been talking about them

DP has tried to stop this numerous times over the year but he reckons it’s a game she enjoys (the more we contest the more she fights to ensure it ends up in our kitchen).

Then just wash your hands of it. It’s his problem. Make him deal with it and ignore it. Refuse to even discuss it.

That doesn’t mean she has to be grateful. It’s wasteful to give people food they don’t want.

Shes being kind in her way. Might not make sense to you but that's obviously her way. Just accept it and donate to someone who could really use it. Keeps you both happy