Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

She is just trying to help. Accept the food graciously and just take it to a food bank etc.
No need to hurt her feelings by telling her or saying anything at all.

Give it to a food bank.

While the sentiment might be one of kindness, the kinder thing to do would be to message or call the OP and say I'm (or going to) in Asda is there anything you'd like me to pick up while I'm here?
If OP says no were fine, then possibly she might pick up a treat that she knows they like or even a bunch of flowers.
Buying lots of (perishable) food that you are unsure whether they will eat or have sufficient storage for is not that helpful.

and taking perishable unlabelled food to a food bank is equally unhelpful and they will also not be grateful for it!!

The most shocking thing about this thread is the number of people who have no clue how food banks work. And clearly don't donate to them themselves.

My local food bank is eight miles away and only open a couple of hours on a weekday for drop off - which is when I'm working. They, obviously, don't take fresh food. They most definitely don't take fresh meat or fish.

My nearest supermarket does not have a food bank drop off, but one further away does. It does not take any fresh food. I shop online mostly though, so I'd have to make a special trip to take stuff there.

I would not be impressed at being given random food that didn't fit my style of eating.

Fuck me the point that food banks don't want fresh meat in random food bags really isn't landing is it?

YANBU to want to choose the type of food you eat. She obviously thinks DH isn't getting enough (cheap) meat. So it's a way of getting you to cook what she wants him to have. It's a bit controlling. I think if she saw a nice cheese or some unusual biscuits it would be a nice treat. We're not loaded but I would rather eat decent meat a couple of times a week than cheap sausages & chicken thighs every day.

YANBU. This has given me flashbacks to my ex MIL who used to do similar, treating me & ex-husband like incompetents who couldn't fend for themselves. She had 3 sons and mothered them well beyond normal age, which I think they didn't mind, but I found really patronising.

I think she, and probably your MIL, believe they're acting out of generosity, but I saw it as quite territorial tbh. And I think buying food for people who don't need/ask for it is just as wasteful as throwing it in the bin anyway.

Or maybe MIL could listen and ✨ stop giving them bags of food that will go to waste? ✨

Surely that's more efficient than persistenting with buying them food that is neither IMO nor needed, just so OP can take - the limited times that will be accepted - to the food bank.

The mind boggles at the mental gymnastics people do on AIBU to ensure OP is wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️

*neither wanted or needed

I'm surprised that so many people have suggested it!!

Don’t be miffed! She’s trying to help. Maybe have a chat about the type of food you like so if her budget for you is £30 a week and you’ve been getting 15 items, if she buys better quality stuff, you might only get 8 items but you’ll actually eat it. She’ll still feel as through she’s helping and you’ll get something you like.

How many times have people said-the food bank dont want meat! MIL needs to find hobbies other than the supermarket and trying to contol what her grown up kids eat!

You missed all the other people who made the point before you. I daresay everyone understood what she meant.

Again, please do NOT do this. No food bank would take in second or third hand, fresh foods in damaged packaging.

Why is this even being considered? Are food bank clients worth so little thought to some?

Give it to a foodbank!

Ha ha, not really...just thought I'd join in the nonsense 😄

Good idea!

I don’t eat Asda Essentials, I don’t judge people who do though so why do you think it’s acceptable to judge people who choose not to buy this food?
And she CANT give fresh chicken to a food bank as so many other people have already said

Sorry wrong thread damn phone 😂

She's complained to your DP that you're not appreciative. You're not. Isn't that rather the point? Why would someone be appreciative of a gesture they haven't asked for, don't want, and have tried to make the point as politely as possible? And despite the predicable number of posts brushing this behaviour off - that you're not sufficiently grateful and she only meant to 'be kind' - there are a number of accounts on which I'd find this troubling.

First is the infantalizing of a grown, professional adult in her thirties. If she's still accustomed to treating her little boy as a young student then that's between the two of them: start it on me directly and I'd have no compunction about asking - insisting if necessary - for it to stop.

Second is the problem that you've told her gently you don't want this, and she's pushing back by complaining about your ingratitude. This, right here, is an overstep of your stated boundaries. Once the baby arrives it will be the next, and the next.

Third, and probably most revealingly, is that she's already starting the manipulative behaviour in the form of the well-worn strategy of triangulation. She's complained to your husband, but hasn't raised the point with the person who's directly pissed her off; i.e. you. Be wary of people who do this.

IMO, you need to nix this quickly or be prepared for a difficult transition into parenting. You've tried the softer, kinder approach and it didn't work. You now need to be more assertive and direct.

YADNBU. This isn't a benign gesture.

Just suggest she rechannels her funds into wipes and nappies for the baby instead you could end up never having to buy a nappy or a wipe for its entire babyhood.

For the love of God.

www.bigissue.com/news/social-justice/how-you-can-find-food-bank-near-you/

I totally feel for you. My MIL does this as well. I’ve already shopped and meal planned for the week (and often batch cooked) and she brings round random food that needs eating in the next few days - I then have too much food and some of it is going to be thrown because as it’s fresh it’s not donatable. I then feel like rubbish throwing away decent food that people could benefit from. It’s not snobbery or ungrateful ness on my part. I hate food waste and it’s not a kindness to make my family waste food. I’ve tried to stop her, ask her to tell me when she’s gonna do it so I buy less that week or ask her for things that can be stored but she won’t stop. It’s got to the point where I worry about seeing my in laws because I know I’m gonna have to throw a load of food away.

Wrong thread @Whatsthestitch should you have been on the dick pic one?!

Presumably your DP's brother is still receiving high-end meat rather than these items so your DP's mother is aware that there are different perspectives.

There's absolutely no reason that you should have the hag of donating food to Olio or foodbanks.

As PPs suggest, your DP needs a conversation in which he conveys that you appreciate the thought but you need to be in charge of your own menu planning, especially now that you are pregnant. Return the food if it's on the backseat.