Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

I don’t know how many times it needs to be said, but MOST FOOD BANKS DONT TAKE FRESH MEAT.

It’s reckless giving opened chicken (who knows
when the packaging got damaged) to a pregnant woman.

Your h needs to tell MIL that it’s kind of her to think of you, but you have plenty of food and to please not bring any more as your meals are planned. Her behaviour is extremely bizarre.

@BeeDavis the man impregnates but that's the end of his biological role - the woman is the one pregnant.

Women get triggered because yet again its patriarchal nonsense giving men credit for something where women do all the work (of growing carrying and birthing the baby).

DP does try to reject these bags.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that I'm not appreciative.

What did you DH say to that comment? It would've been the ideal point to kindly tell her to stop. 'We understand it is coming from a place of love but it's not helpful for us. We can afford to buy our own food and prefer to buy what we want ourselves' and it pushed further 'actually it is just adding a job in - having to re-think meal plans/eat something we don't fancy/find a home for it to stop it going to waste'.

My guess is that being honest with her and communicating his needs won't go down well. It will be tears, tantrums and PA comments.

To me showing love is listening to what the person is saying. She clearly isn't listening to what you are saying, so I don't think it's coming from a true position of love.

It's going to get worse after baby arrived. He needs to pull his mum aside & channel her generosity more productively: for everyone;s sake.

I don't think the OP is being snobbish. I won't eat low welfare battery chicken either.

Say (or get DH) to say 'it's very kind of you to think of us but we can't use the food and I hate throwing it away. Why not put the money saved towards something for the baby in X months time. Thank you'

I think ^^ this is the best way forwarward. MIL will still feel that she is usefully contributing.

@Christmasbeach has your DH actually told his mum that you eat mainly vegetarian food and meal plan, so being given meat on or near its use by date isn't that helpful?

I wouls also donate non perishables to food banks. The need for food banks is so high right now.

And, sorry but only you are pregnant. I also get irritated by "we're pregnant"

Why should the OP go to the trouble of donating the food she didn’t even ask for. This is overbearing behaviour, I’m with you OP.

You could say that about anything though couldn’t you? My aunt used to keep giving me bags of charity shop knick knacks and clothes I didn’t want or ask for. I don’t think I ought to have been grateful because there are people who would have wanted or needed those things, it was annoying,

I agree.

It's really selfish and wasteful of MIL to keep buying them lower priced and discounted food that they've clearly indicated isn't wanted or needed, but others may be in desperate need of.

sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

We'd have to bin it... and that would cost us money to do.

I get comments like yours about the work I do for a crisis centre too. Like I am not sufficiently 'fluffy' or abjectly grateful for the unthinking anything that gets carelessly flung in our direction.

Sometimes well meaning gestures are costly. And here, anonymously, I can say "Fuck off with that stupidity" and hope that someone will take it on board and understand why such 'piety' becomes so grating!

Well exactly…even more reason for MIL to stop wasting it!

Please don't!

My late DM used to do this -- packets of broken biscuits, mystery parcels out of her freezer, cake (but homemade was always accepted 🤗) and flowers that the flower stall guy used to give her for a fiver at the end of the day. This would have been about eight years ago.
The latter had to be sorted through and if there was a half usable bunch that would be lucky. But she thought it was a bargain; I though he was ripping her off.
So it was annoying but she liked to do it so I mostly put up with it. Although it could accelerate alarmingly so I had to try and keep it in check.
You have my sympathy. I think it can be about control...

Surely as a “pregnant professional” you can easily work out that you could donate the non perishables to a food bank?

You sound like a complete snob, TBH.

Oh God, the 'children are starving in Africa, you know' excuse.

Your MIL sounds controlling and annoying. I would HATE this, particularly as my MIL's tastes in food are very different from mine. Your DH needs to tell her to pack it in and that while you appreciate the thought, you can afford your own food and her donations mean you end up with leftover food in the house, because you'd already shopped.

Drop it off at a food bank, she doesn't mean any harm she probably trying to help, it's not the worst thing in the world to do, it's annoying yes maybe you could mention that she could be spending the money on herself rather than you

Why are women constantly expected spend their time and effort managing the unwanted attentions of other people? She’s fucking told her no!

Adding a job to a busy person’s life? Or the MIL could listen to what they have already politely said and donate to the food bank on her (most likely) free days in the week.

Should she be sorting through food she doesn’t want/need/eat with a newborn?

What's the problem, just give it to a food bank or someone who needs it and would be grateful. As for being a brand snob, think yourself lucky you don't have to "lower yourself" to eating Asda essentials and can instead buy food from Waitrose, M&S and all the other overpriced shops. What a delight you sound.

MIL is trying to insert herself into your business. She is not sim0,y being kind hearted.
I think you’ll be in a losing battle if you try to reject it. Just tell your dp that you’re not eating it. Behave as if it doesn’t exist once it’s arrived and leave him to deal with his mum.
If it’s possible to donate perishable food somewhere then do that.

I have a relative that does this. It's all very well saying tell them straight but they don't get it and they feel hurt because they feel like it is their way of contributing or showing love and support. I make lovely noises about the random food, thank profusely and then food bank it or pass it on to people who would like it. If there is something useful in the gift then I make sure to comment on how thoughtful or delicious that particular bit of food was. No harm no foul.

This is just the start. Wait till the baby is born! My PIL, because I am pescatarian, go to the effort of bringing meat to my DP sometimes already cooked! He is 37yo and he is not an every day meat eater and we chose a veg and fish diet for our DD as well. That seems to be a problem lingering in their head and lately they have been very opinionated about what my DD should eat. The way I see it is that there are PIL that are very envolved and opinionated and others that are just happy that their children left the nest and have their own families and ultimately untitled to make their own decisions. And I mean decisions about, well, in my case, about everything, from what we eat, the nursery DD goes, how many hours a day... How much money we spend in the house, holidays, dinners! So now we follow the Royal Family moto, don't complain, no explain. We ignore the food issue as we understood that that was just the beginning and we stopped sharing the many everyday life details to avoid unwanted opinions and confrontations. And this is my advice, eat the food if u like or give it to someone in need. If you want them to stop buying random stuff you don't want just say it once and see what happens...Avoid confrontation because they will part of your life for probably a long time. But keep them at arms length if you want to keep your privacy specially after your baby is born. And BTW congratulations...

My OH's mum does this. It completely doesn't bother me. Goes into the cupboard/fridge and we will use it if and when we want it. If you don't want it give it to a food charity and say you ate it.

No she doesn't. I wouldn't appreicate it either. Are you jealous?