Newborn and toddler, dh won't take turns to sleep but is angry all the time

[Nobleroses]

Just that, another nightmare night of no sleep. I was still in one bed but dh and toddler were in another as toddler woken up in the night saying he felt ill. Toddler wanted to go downstairs at 7am, so toddler came in and asked if I was coming down with them, I said no babe go with your dad mummy's going to get a little bit of sleep. Dh went downstairs ranting "wouldn't that be fucking lovely". I asked him not to swear in front of toddler "Oh piss off with the perfect parent act" he isn't normally sweary and aggressive but we are running on a minuscule amount of sleep and it's turned him into just this angry man. I tried to go back to sleep but could hear him getting irritated by everything our toddler said or did, toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby" I go downstairs and say right I've got him, go get some sleep.

Dh starts ranting and raving he doesn't need sleep, he's fine, fuck off back to bed. I said there's no reason to swear at me, we need to be a team to get through this, go get some sleep. He's just shouting at me go back to bed go back to bed on repeat. Toddlers crying no mummy stay I want mummy daddy go to bed. Dh just won't admit that he's tired and it's making him horrible and just argues with everyone that he's fine. I said again, gently, look I'm not having a dog at your parenting, we're both tired and stressed and we're both going to have different points where we hit our limit, we're both tired but right now I'm ok and I'm not angry, you are, so you need to just go take some time" he just raises his voice again "are you still fucking going on woman just shut up and go to bed"

Toddler doesn't let me go, I don't really want to leave them alone when he's in this mood as he's not being the nicest to our toddler. He's just sat on the sofa drinking his second coffee in 20 minutes on his phone but he's just raging and the atmosphere is shit. I'd feel so much more relaxed if he'd just go get some sleep but he won't. He never will which means then time when one of us could be sleeping is wasted and I end up with a constantly angry overtired husband. It's getting really bad if he ever actually falls asleep he'll wake up and it's like I've got my husband back but most days just this sweary shouty arsehole, it's like he's too proud to tag team and feels like he wins some award for being awake all the time but he's just making me hate him being around. I cannot say that to him though as he just says that I'm boring and need to stop going on about how he needs sleep. But he does. AIBU?

He is horrible.

Bullying a toddler because he's tired.

I'd suggest you start making plans to leave.

Sounds awful OP, your poor toddler.
It's definitely a difficult time, but he's being an arsehole and you need to have an open and frank conversation about it when he's in a better mood.

It's shit because when our toddler was born we took it in turns and were fair to each other and it worked. There was none of this. He's normally really patient and kind to toddler. It is just the chronic lack of sleep making him like this but it's hard to move past it when he won't admit that he needs to go and get some sleep and just rages at everyone instead. It's ruining my maternity leave

He's a horrible man child. The only way that we got through 2 under 2 was literally tag teaming sleep, both in the morning, and a nap each in the afternoon, it was exhausting!

Obviously now isn't a good time and I'm sorry that this morning is falling on you. Could you take the DC out for a bit so that DH has enforced rest and then come up with a proper plan this evening.

Hopefully that might help with the immediate issue but in the longer term he needs to shape up or ship out.

Lack of sleep is torture and I remember it well (2 dc in 15 months) but your H is being a prize prick here. You are right you need to be a team otherwise it will drive you apart. His attitude towards your child is a disgrace and I would be having some serious words with him when he is being more rational, if he cannot handle it you need to be considering your route out of there.

he’s petulant and his behaviour is astoundingly unreasonable!!

I'd be absolutely livid at him talking to me like that and doing it in front of the toddler.

I'd be very tempted to send him away for the weekend to think about whether he wants to stay married.

Honestly I'd ask him to leave, at least temporarily.

Or you take the kids and go and stay with your parents?

You can't let him subject you and your toddler to abuse.

Don’t listen to all the LTB. Why would you leave yourself alone looking after a newborn and a toddler. You know the reason why he is acting like this and you’ve said it is out of character.
if he won’t talk about it maybe you could write him a text saying what you’ve said here so he can read and digest it?

He’s a shitbag. DP is a bit of a bear on no/bad sleep and it does make him a worse/belligerent parent – he insists on going head to head with our preschooler and it’s like two bulls locking horns – but nothing on this level. He would never swear (generally or at me), he would accept if he needed sleep, he can recognise he’s being an arse.

Next time your DH has had some sleep so is in an amenable mood, I would have s proper come to Jesus talk with him: as in, his sleepless temper is such that you’d consider LTB unless he addresses it. List the ways in which he speaks to you, and the toddler. Point out it’s abusive. Normally I wouldn’t suggest “confront the abuser” as a technique but it sounds like he’s not actually a raging arsehole, he’s just someone who can’t cope on broken sleep. Any underlying issues? DP has ADHD and I suspect that impacts his ability to cope when tired.

He sounds like an arsehole. Funny how mums don’t have the luxury to act like this.

Have you tried having set days when you get a lie in and when he gets a lie in?

Well he is behaving far worse than the toddler. It sounds like the toddler is having to deal with your DH's bad behaviour, rather than the other way around.

Can DH go away for a couple of nights? He needs to break the cycle of his behaviour and reflect on things a bit.

Never mind if he is usually nice, right now he is being abusive and you need to get him to leave.

I'd get quietly furious with him, going into the living room and tell him "you've been an absolute cunt this morning because you're tired. Either get out the house for the day or go to bed, as I'm not having this shit from you"

Have the discussion when he’s had some sleep and is in a good mood - ‘You have so much more patience when you’ve had enough sleep. Toddler behaves better when you’re more relaxed too. We should tag team lie ins so we both get as much sleep as possible’

He is an absolute arse hole. I wouldn’t have him speak to me or my child like that. He needs to leave right now, and consider how he is going to move forward.
He is being abusive to you and your child.

100% this. No way would I tolerate this, or allow my toddler to be exposed to it either.

I have just left one of these.

It took two years of escalation.

Be careful.

He’s not well OP. These are not the actions of a well and balanced person.

If you can get a time when you see a glimmer of his old self talk to him.

He needs rest and probably outside help to make him see what an arsehole he’s being

Saying that even in someone’s darkest days they should not be so quick to take out their vitriol on you or your child. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Where is everybody sleeping? Can you reorganise this so that whichever of you is off duty actually gets some uninterrupted sleep and then swap it about so you both get some?

Another thing you could try is that whoever is up early with the toddler takes them to the park / cafe. Again helps the remaining person to sleep without getting involved in their parenting.

I know it is in effect rewarding bad behaviour but he needs to go to stay with his parents for the weekend, get some sleep and reflect on what he's doing and how he envisages the end game playing out if nothing changes.

At least that gives him the opportunity to come back with a constructive plan and an apology. If he can't manage that then I guess you know where you all stand.

If that was my partner I’d ask him to leave for the day anywhere but near me or the children. Arsehole. Great example he’s setting.

What a few posters are missing here is that the op has tried to send him off to sleep but he point blank refuses. Would rather martyr himself, stay up and scream at his toddler and be abusive to his wife.

If he won’t go to bed when OP offers to let him, he’s hardly going to obediently trot off when she tells him to leave the house. He sounds likely to commit physical violence against one or both of them. What an absolute prick. I’d leave the house myself, it’s not fair but your child needs to be safe and away from that behaviour.

toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby"

I got this far. Your poor toddler. I would be taking toddler and baby out of the house (and switching off my phone) for at least the whole day, and possibly permanently.

You keep excusing his behaviour as being because he’s tired. My husband has shared the sleepless nights with me since our son was born and has never, ever spoke to our child like that. Your husband sounds nasty.

I don't really want to leave them alone when he's in this mood as he's not being the nicest to our toddler

If I ever felt I couldn’t leave my toddler alone with my partner, tired or not, I’d be making plans to leave.