Newborn and toddler, dh won't take turns to sleep but is angry all the time

[Nobleroses]

Just that, another nightmare night of no sleep. I was still in one bed but dh and toddler were in another as toddler woken up in the night saying he felt ill. Toddler wanted to go downstairs at 7am, so toddler came in and asked if I was coming down with them, I said no babe go with your dad mummy's going to get a little bit of sleep. Dh went downstairs ranting "wouldn't that be fucking lovely". I asked him not to swear in front of toddler "Oh piss off with the perfect parent act" he isn't normally sweary and aggressive but we are running on a minuscule amount of sleep and it's turned him into just this angry man. I tried to go back to sleep but could hear him getting irritated by everything our toddler said or did, toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby" I go downstairs and say right I've got him, go get some sleep.

Dh starts ranting and raving he doesn't need sleep, he's fine, fuck off back to bed. I said there's no reason to swear at me, we need to be a team to get through this, go get some sleep. He's just shouting at me go back to bed go back to bed on repeat. Toddlers crying no mummy stay I want mummy daddy go to bed. Dh just won't admit that he's tired and it's making him horrible and just argues with everyone that he's fine. I said again, gently, look I'm not having a dog at your parenting, we're both tired and stressed and we're both going to have different points where we hit our limit, we're both tired but right now I'm ok and I'm not angry, you are, so you need to just go take some time" he just raises his voice again "are you still fucking going on woman just shut up and go to bed"

Toddler doesn't let me go, I don't really want to leave them alone when he's in this mood as he's not being the nicest to our toddler. He's just sat on the sofa drinking his second coffee in 20 minutes on his phone but he's just raging and the atmosphere is shit. I'd feel so much more relaxed if he'd just go get some sleep but he won't. He never will which means then time when one of us could be sleeping is wasted and I end up with a constantly angry overtired husband. It's getting really bad if he ever actually falls asleep he'll wake up and it's like I've got my husband back but most days just this sweary shouty arsehole, it's like he's too proud to tag team and feels like he wins some award for being awake all the time but he's just making me hate him being around. I cannot say that to him though as he just says that I'm boring and need to stop going on about how he needs sleep. But he does. AIBU?

Tell him to leave for a few days, then he can get sleep somewhere else and then you can talk properly. But honestly sleep deprivation isn’t an excuse for the way he talks to you, boring, going on etc is how he views you. You can’t change that it’s him, and verbally abusing and scaring your toddler is a deal breaker, no decent parent can allow that to go on unchecked. Something needs to change today.

toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby"

He is awful. There is no excuse for speaking to a toddler like this. I would not want to be with a man who makes his child feel this way and not feel immediate remorse. Tiredness is not an excuse for being awful to your children.

We've all snapped but all that swearing, aggression and unpleasantness in front of tiny children is not on.

I know this sounds like I'm excusing his behaviour and I’m not, but could he maybe have PND? Saying this because I had a similar mindset to your husband with our first - I had to stay awake and help and I was constantly overtired and raging but refusing to accept help. Had some very dark moments of shouting and swearing at my DS too which I’m not proud of. Finally got diagnosed with PND and after getting some help I got loads better. God knows how DH and I stayed married because I would probably have left me but I’m bloody glad he didn’t.

PND can affect men too so maybe when he’s gotten some sleep you can talk to him about getting help? He might refuse though. Such a hard situation. Hope he comes around soon 💐

Yes every parent whose ever shouted or snapped at a toddler should immediately leave the relationship. The children would be so much better off.

He needs a shake. Yes perhaps it could be solved by sleep, but his behaviour at the moment is emotionally abusive. Your toddler sounds scared, to me. I think you need to be clear to him that his behaviour is completely unacceptable, and that its his responsibility to sort it out. Tell him if he doesn't think it's overtiredness, fine, but what is his explanation? Or is this just the way he is choosing to behave?

Do you have family or friends you could go stay with, or money for an airbnb? Escape for a bit and make him realise how serious this is.

If he’s normally a decent guy, I’d secretly record him ranting at you and your toddler and play it back to him when he’s in a better mood. He needs to hear just how aggressive he is being and how frightened your son is, and hopefully realise that he has to make some changes as you can’t go on like this.

I end up with a constantly angry overtired husband. It's getting really bad if he ever actually falls asleep he'll wake up and it's like I've got my husband back but most days just this sweary shouty arsehole,

It's not just someone someone snapping at their kids. He needs to get some sleep and stop being such a dick. He doesn't need to be this tired, the OP has said he can sleep but he's choosing to stay awake and be a duck head and is a 'shouty, sweary arsehole'.

He needs to sort it out, get some sleep, see the GP or something. It's not fair on the OP and the children to live like this.

I would be suggesting he moves out for a few days. That atmosphere is toxic for your babies and you would would be better off looking after them alone

Nobody is saying that, of course everyone snaps. Not everyone verbally abuses their toddler leaving them sounding scared. That’s not normal or acceptable behaviour.

I want to tell you to put cameras in your home. If one of you isn't going to remove yourself for at least a short time then record this behaviour. Your poor child.

No amount of tiredness makes swearing Infront of your toddler and bullying them ok. Stop telling him it is ok. His parenting isn't fine at all. I'd be leaving. My little one wouldn't be treated like that. He's holding into you because his dad is scaring him.

Oh, that's horrible. I suggest you tell him what you've said here, and insist that you come up with a plan so you both maximise your sleep.

There's no point him being up if he's just on his phone with a face like thunder; he's not parenting, just making you all feel bad and scaring the toddler.

Tell him he's ruining your maternity leave - time you won't get back.

If he refuses to change, ask him to leave for a while.
Good luck.

It's hard to know what's normal when you only experience parenthood with one person.

I have three kids under 6 OP. We are tirrrrreed.

We can both be grouchy, but in no way would I or my partner swear at our children. My partner has called my toddlers baby's before (not often) when they're tantruming over something silly. But never when shouting, more of a "why are you whining like a baby. Talk properly, it's just a cup" etc.

We all act differently, but what your husband is doing is completely unacceptable. He's resentful and unhappy (aren't we all at times) but he's taking it out on his family and his defenseless child which can't go on.

You need to sit down together and form a plan. Whether it's that you both get a lie in each weekend, you Saturdays, him Sundays etc. Something you can both look forward to. Same with night wakes.

But you're right, I definitely wouldn't leave my child alone to be verbally abused by him. And if he doesn't buck up his ideas, then I think I'd be asking for a break. Perhaps he can go stay at his parents for a few weeks to reassess what he wants.

Raising young children is bloody hard work. For everyone. But it doesn't mean he can abuse you all verbally.

I feel so sorry for your poor toddler, he must be terrified. I don’t know what the answer is but whatever happens you cannot let your children be treated like this. Imagine how intimidating your adult-man husband is to a small child, especially when swearing and shouting, poor kids. And they should not be hearing your husband talk to you in that way, that’s what they’ll think is normal going forward.

What is shouted at your toddler is terrible. Poor little guy. If your DP had instantly realised his actions and made efforts to make amends then the picture would be different. But he didn’t at all. And he kept going on at you.
I would be seriously considering a break for everyone’s sake.

You post feels me with guilt and shame, as I had a very similar experience. I stayed too long, trying to placate him and ‘fix’ the problems, while he became more demanding and shouty. My children had to listen. I took too long to leave, that is my biggest regret.

Absolutely this!

swearing like that in front of the children and talking to you in that way is not OK - even when the children are not there. Take them out of that situation , it’s not fair on them.

It will also give him time to reflect.

It’s unlikely to the the first time. People don’t often post in desperation during the first event.
But look, the op dh has done the job, op
certainly wont be asking him to get up with children again will she. She will put her own well being to the side to protect her children from this experience again.

But he did try to get sleep?
He was in bed with the toddler, whi had been up and down saying they were unwell and even if the toddler was asleep, your husband wouldnt be gettinga decent sleep sharing the bed.
You were in a bed by yourself getting sleep.

When toddler woke up, it was your turn. He sent toddler to you to get up so he could sleep. You told the toddler to go and get dad up so you could sleep.

Why did you do that? It was actually your turn with the toddler. Your husband was trying to get sleep.

Then you turned to and acted all concerned and told him to go and rest. By that point, he was so exhausted and so annoyed with you for not getting up first that he wouldnt back down and calm down.

Now, his reaction isn't ok. He just cannot behave like that. But you've said it is out of character so dont hang him for this. You can work through it but you need to actually get up with the toddler when your husband really needs sleep instead of telling toddler to wake dad after dad has been in bed with them for hours and it is not his turn to rest.

*now his turn to rest

@WeepingSomnambulist They have a newborn so I would imagine OP has been up most of the night with the baby? Having two that don't sleep is very tough but it is tough on both parents and how do you split the sleep if one adult is acting like a petulant tit?

@WeepingSomnambulist I assume the OP has been up with the newborn all night.

I’m seeing this as well.

I mean his reaction and verbal outburst is horrible and unacceptable- but being really honest I’ve been there and felt just like that. (I had a baby with autism - now aged 10 - who once went 16 hours solidly screaming without any sleep at all and honestly I felt I was going to lose my mind, he didn’t sleep more than 3 hours in a row for 8 years)! Once I was awake and up and feeling angry there was so way I could go back to sleep again. You both sound completely at the end of your tether.

He obviously should not be speaking to your toddler like that.

So you were up in the night with the baby and he was up with the toddler? I suppose whoever had the worst night should have had the lie in but that’s beside the point now.

His behaviour was disgusting, don’t exposure your kids to this shit, it’s damaging, get your stuff and go stay with family or tell him to leave. You need to take a firm stance on this.