Newborn and toddler, dh won't take turns to sleep but is angry all the time

[Nobleroses]

Just that, another nightmare night of no sleep. I was still in one bed but dh and toddler were in another as toddler woken up in the night saying he felt ill. Toddler wanted to go downstairs at 7am, so toddler came in and asked if I was coming down with them, I said no babe go with your dad mummy's going to get a little bit of sleep. Dh went downstairs ranting "wouldn't that be fucking lovely". I asked him not to swear in front of toddler "Oh piss off with the perfect parent act" he isn't normally sweary and aggressive but we are running on a minuscule amount of sleep and it's turned him into just this angry man. I tried to go back to sleep but could hear him getting irritated by everything our toddler said or did, toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby" I go downstairs and say right I've got him, go get some sleep.

Dh starts ranting and raving he doesn't need sleep, he's fine, fuck off back to bed. I said there's no reason to swear at me, we need to be a team to get through this, go get some sleep. He's just shouting at me go back to bed go back to bed on repeat. Toddlers crying no mummy stay I want mummy daddy go to bed. Dh just won't admit that he's tired and it's making him horrible and just argues with everyone that he's fine. I said again, gently, look I'm not having a dog at your parenting, we're both tired and stressed and we're both going to have different points where we hit our limit, we're both tired but right now I'm ok and I'm not angry, you are, so you need to just go take some time" he just raises his voice again "are you still fucking going on woman just shut up and go to bed"

Toddler doesn't let me go, I don't really want to leave them alone when he's in this mood as he's not being the nicest to our toddler. He's just sat on the sofa drinking his second coffee in 20 minutes on his phone but he's just raging and the atmosphere is shit. I'd feel so much more relaxed if he'd just go get some sleep but he won't. He never will which means then time when one of us could be sleeping is wasted and I end up with a constantly angry overtired husband. It's getting really bad if he ever actually falls asleep he'll wake up and it's like I've got my husband back but most days just this sweary shouty arsehole, it's like he's too proud to tag team and feels like he wins some award for being awake all the time but he's just making me hate him being around. I cannot say that to him though as he just says that I'm boring and need to stop going on about how he needs sleep. But he does. AIBU?

Tired or not, he's being verbally abusive.

Do not leave him with the children on his own again. You're putting your child in danger.

Are they in the UK?
Custody isnt a thing in the UK.

There is resident parent and non resident parent. It is very, very unusual for the non resident rent o not be granted any contact time, whether that's days in their home or days in a contact centre. Even rapists and domestic abusers still get access to their kids.

Do you mean that he is the resident parent and she gets X number of days with the kids?
She could, of course, choose not to see the kids at all and then he is default "sole" parent but he wouldnt have won that in a court.

Your poor child.

This is very abusive behaviour, tired or not.

I think you need to tell him it's marriage counselling or splitting up now.

It's not on.

Telling him to go to sleep isnt working. So instead of coming up with the solution I'd let him so that and just focus on the facts of his behaviour and the effect on you. So 'for the past few months you are constantly angry. You shout and swear at me, you're sarcastic, you shout at the toddler for completely normal toddler behaviour like preferences over cups and he is scared of you. I'm becoming scared of interacting with you as I know most of the time I'll get shouted at. It's not acceptable and makes me feel .... and if you don't find a way to change this, i won't be staying in the marriage as its not healthy for any of us. How are you going to work through this and what can I do to help'

Stop excusing his behaviour saying he’s tired. He’s a wanker and being tired is no excuse at all.

Came on to say exactly this.

Sleep deprivation does awful things to people but this really isn't an excuse for his behaviour. You were tired too but you stayed calm and offered him the chance to get some rest. He refused because he was being petulant and pathetic.

Treating a toddler like that is vile. I really don't think I could put up with that long term. You probably don't want to aggravate him when he's in that sort of mood but that shouldn't stop you calling out this abusive behaviour. It's totally unfair to a poor child who doesn't have a clue why daddy is being so nasty.

As pp said, outline the facts 'right I've offered you the chance to sleep and you've refused. You are being abusive to me and dc and I won't put up with it. Go to another room and sleep or don't sleep but either way do not treat us in this way.'

I'd imagine he's ashamed of himself for not coping, he thinks he should handle the toddler while you sort the baby but he can't manage and is ashamed of it. Its not easy to admit you're struggling.

The way he's been behaving is unacceptable but I'd attempt a calm, constructive discussion rather than slinging him out etc. If he's been decent before, it's unlikely he's just turned into an arsehole. Men can experience depression with a new baby too.

I found it much harder to be patient with my toddler when dc2 came along, I got better at noticing was losing my cool, taking a deep breath, putting shoulders down etc. Maybe he needs to think about what coping mechanisms he has.

He can't keep on like this but I wouldn't LTB just yet.

For goodness sake, cut the guy some slack. He’s knackered , and he lost his temper. If OP follows all your ‘advice’ , she will be yet another ‘ o it’s so hard being a single parent’ .

presumably the guy is still working?

I would be absolutely livid if my DH spoke to my toddler like that. Beyond livid, I'd be tempted to tell him to leave temporarily if he did that and only come back when he can be a decent father. Tiredness isn't an excuse for that type of behaviour.

You need to sit down and have a talk with him when he's had a sleep and tell him things need to change.

Oh fuck off. Nearly all parents have experienced this level of sleep deprivation, only cunts behave like this. Amazing how op manages to not verbally abuse her toddler but I guess she’s not a man so the standards are different 🙄

Sorry, but it's one thing swearing at me when you're tired but do the same to my crying toddler and it's another story. She said this behaviour is a regular occurance when he's tired.

This. I would also ask him to leave. When he has calmed down I would read him the riot act. It’s completely unacceptable, I don’t care how fucking exhausted he is. He goes out, has time out. And then you decide how you want to deal with this. It’s despicable of him to take it out on your toddler and talk to you like that in front of them as well.

presumably the guy is still working?

Presumably he gets a break when he's at work, because that's what it is, a break compared to looking after a baby and toddler all day when you don't even get 30 seconds to yourself. No excuse.

YANBU. He's an arsehole

This x 100000000000000000000000

Getting shouty and angry and even swearing is ok as a one off, not great but it happens. What I think is unacceptable is that it happens a lot of the time. Most of us get annoyed, shout, then feel shit, have a sit down and chat with our partners and agree a way forward to stop it happening again. We don't continue to martyr ourselves, get more tired and shout and swear at a toddler and partner all the time.

Op sit down with him when it's all calmer and he's not tired and agree a plan forward. Shared responsibilities, lie ins etc, you need to start working as a team again. If he can't do this then you need to think about what your future holds and how to protect your dc.

This. Just leave him to it OP. You will prob have a crap day entertaining and avoiding home but I'd stay out as long as possible

Can you enlist the help of his parents? Get them to talk to him and realise that he needs to sleep, as others have said, get them to persuade him to go to theirs for the weekend? Then talk about it when he's being rational?

@Glorianna

Funny how mums don’t have the luxury to act like this

omg this is so true

A mother writing that she had done his would be lavished with support. Seen plenty threads like it.

Here's the difference, the mother would be on here because she is remorseful. Its bad enough to scream at your frightened toddler but still being an arsehole afterwards shows he doesn't give a shiny shite that he's being an abusive bastard.

I am properly evil when I an sleep deprived which is why I chose not to have kids, but even on my worst days I had it in me not to shout at a child or snap my partner's head off. This really isn't okay.

The way he is behaving is unacceptable but you know this. So I'm not going to say LTB because you say this isn't who he usually is and you seem to have to strong grasp on the situation rather than being clouded from it.

I will say my DH was exactly the same at one point. However he was depressed, unable to sleep due to insomnia and 2 small children who didn't enjoy sleep much. It wasn't until he admitted to himself that he was really struggling and that he was behaving appallingly to us all because of it that he got help. Some CBT and a few weeks of antidepressants and it was like living with a different man, the one I originally married. He was calmer, sleeping better, there was no more shouting or anger or tension in the air. It's been over 12 months now and he is doing much better. But I was on the verge of leaving him back then, because I couldn't and wouldn't put up with it or allow my children to be treated the way he was. It was only when I took the kids to my mum's for the weekend and said I wouldn't be back unless he did something about it that he did.

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason.

My second child never slept when he was a baby and it was a killer. I do remember shouting at my screaming newborn "WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP!" because I was exhausted. I had been alone all day with a newborn and a 22 month old. Then baby hadnt slept all night, had colic and just wanted to be on me, then I had to get up the next day for the toddler. I was knocking on for 36 hours awake and was on my last nerve. DH was away with work.

I swear DH and I nearly divorced as I was so angry with him, he was angry with me as he thought I was unreasonable. Jeez, looking back now it was just a mess.

Going from 1 child to 2 was harder than 2 to 3. The whole dynamic changes.

You know your DH best , and if you are sure it's just a sleep thing you need to have it out with him. He needs to be told he is being abusive mentally to his family. I don't jump on the LTB train, as I know how much lack of sleep can change you but you also need to be sure you are protecting them babies. And doubt, move out.

We are all horrible when we are tired. We have a newborn and two older kids. Perhaps, like my husband, yours finds it difficult to nap. After some testing times, mine sleeps in a separate room while I sleep with the baby and tend to her all night. He gets up at 6am with any children that are awake and takes care of them until at least 7.30am (when he usually goes to work) so I can get a lie in. You all need to try to be forgiving at this time and if he needs to chill out with his phone and a coffee once you are up, no problem!