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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Newborn and toddler, dh won't take turns to sleep but is angry all the time

117 replies

Nobleroses · 21/01/2023 08:17

Just that, another nightmare night of no sleep. I was still in one bed but dh and toddler were in another as toddler woken up in the night saying he felt ill. Toddler wanted to go downstairs at 7am, so toddler came in and asked if I was coming down with them, I said no babe go with your dad mummy's going to get a little bit of sleep. Dh went downstairs ranting "wouldn't that be fucking lovely". I asked him not to swear in front of toddler "Oh piss off with the perfect parent act" he isn't normally sweary and aggressive but we are running on a minuscule amount of sleep and it's turned him into just this angry man. I tried to go back to sleep but could hear him getting irritated by everything our toddler said or did, toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby" I go downstairs and say right I've got him, go get some sleep.

Dh starts ranting and raving he doesn't need sleep, he's fine, fuck off back to bed. I said there's no reason to swear at me, we need to be a team to get through this, go get some sleep. He's just shouting at me go back to bed go back to bed on repeat. Toddlers crying no mummy stay I want mummy daddy go to bed. Dh just won't admit that he's tired and it's making him horrible and just argues with everyone that he's fine. I said again, gently, look I'm not having a dog at your parenting, we're both tired and stressed and we're both going to have different points where we hit our limit, we're both tired but right now I'm ok and I'm not angry, you are, so you need to just go take some time" he just raises his voice again "are you still fucking going on woman just shut up and go to bed"

Toddler doesn't let me go, I don't really want to leave them alone when he's in this mood as he's not being the nicest to our toddler. He's just sat on the sofa drinking his second coffee in 20 minutes on his phone but he's just raging and the atmosphere is shit. I'd feel so much more relaxed if he'd just go get some sleep but he won't. He never will which means then time when one of us could be sleeping is wasted and I end up with a constantly angry overtired husband. It's getting really bad if he ever actually falls asleep he'll wake up and it's like I've got my husband back but most days just this sweary shouty arsehole, it's like he's too proud to tag team and feels like he wins some award for being awake all the time but he's just making me hate him being around. I cannot say that to him though as he just says that I'm boring and need to stop going on about how he needs sleep. But he does. AIBU?

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 21/01/2023 11:23

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/01/2023 10:15

Telling him to go to sleep isnt working. So instead of coming up with the solution I'd let him so that and just focus on the facts of his behaviour and the effect on you. So 'for the past few months you are constantly angry. You shout and swear at me, you're sarcastic, you shout at the toddler for completely normal toddler behaviour like preferences over cups and he is scared of you. I'm becoming scared of interacting with you as I know most of the time I'll get shouted at. It's not acceptable and makes me feel .... and if you don't find a way to change this, i won't be staying in the marriage as its not healthy for any of us. How are you going to work through this and what can I do to help'

I think this is the best advice.

Your poor poor toddler.

And poor you! But you need to step up and protect your kids from his anger, it’s damaging them. Being tired isn’t an excuse. You definitely need to throw it back at him, and tell him it’s up to him to change it or you won’t be staying .

Quinoawoman · 21/01/2023 11:24

Mamai90 · 21/01/2023 10:57

A mother writing that she had done his would be lavished with support. Seen plenty threads like it.

Here's the difference, the mother would be on here because she is remorseful. Its bad enough to scream at your frightened toddler but still being an arsehole afterwards shows he doesn't give a shiny shite that he's being an abusive bastard.

He's probably going down a shame spiral - knows what he's doing is awful, feels ashamed, shame makes him act even more irrationally. I've been there myself. Women tend to reach out to others when this happens - men tend to internalise.

Thoughtful2355 · 21/01/2023 11:25

Don't let him verbally abuse his kid and you. That's not fair.

Velvian · 21/01/2023 11:46

From the title, I am taking that he is not particularly sleep deprived, he is sleeping in a different room to his wife, who is up with a newborn in the nights. I read it like, this particular night, the toddler happened to go into him, as they were not feeling well.

Regardless, he needs to be removed from the situation for the moment, preferably he leaves, or if he won't, OP, baby, toddler and all the paraphernalia will have to decamp.

stopringingme · 21/01/2023 11:54

@Nobleroses He is taking competitive tiredness to a new level.

If you are both off work all weekend agree that (other than illlness) one of you stays in bed Saturday morning and one Sunday morning but it needs to be a mutual agreement and it needs to be flexible to a certain degree.

Fraaahnces · 21/01/2023 12:19

He’s verbally abusive to you and your child. Your toddler was scared of him. I’d be giving him notice.

Passanotherjaffacake · 21/01/2023 12:24

My husband is a horrid person with lack of sleep, no emotional regulation at all and there is a vile atmosphere in the house that I will not subject my children to.

I left him for a while and took my little one. He is better now and we are more of a team. You might need to press the red button?

BunchHarman · 21/01/2023 21:27

Your husband is a failure.

Minfilia · 21/01/2023 22:20

Being tired is not an excuse to be an abusive cunt.

He is behaving appallingly to you and your child. How have you not kicked him out? Seriously? The mind boggles

Tiredmamma8 · 21/01/2023 22:23

There’s really only two choices here:

couples therapy

or

you leave with the kids.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 21/01/2023 22:57

The second child is what broke me and ex DP up. He turned into a vile, horrid bastard and never went back to his old self. He couldn't cope with 2 children, keep an eye on it OP, it may well be a temporary thing but multiple children do sometimes tip people over the edge.

user1492809438 · 21/01/2023 23:32

Vile vile man, not an adult. There is never an excuse for swearing at a toddler and you are deluding yourself if you think he is a halfway decent human being. I read your comments excusing his behaviour, they are the comments a mother might make about another child. Is this a partnership?

Hatscats · 21/01/2023 23:34

Being tired is not an excuse to treat you and your child like shit.
he is pathetic and needs to get a grip!

Triflenot · 21/01/2023 23:44

Do you have any other help OP?
Sleep deprivation is such a killer for anyone.

mrsfollowill · 21/01/2023 23:59

He sounds awful - can you tell him to go away for few days and leave you on your own as it will be easier than dealing with his man-baby tantrums plus the kids, Horrible for you but really he sounds like such a a twat- who rages at a toddler???!

piedbeauty · 22/01/2023 11:13

Tiredmamma8 · 21/01/2023 22:23

There’s really only two choices here:

couples therapy

or

you leave with the kids.

Couples therapy is not recommended with an abusive partner.

billy1966 · 22/01/2023 11:40

That is a dreadful read.

Your husband is highly abusive to you and your poor toddler.

I would ask him to leave and I think you need to reach out to Women's aid for a chat.

You clearly think this is acceptable because he is tired, but what you have written in truly shocking and not normal.

If my husband was shouting at me and my children like that, I would be ringing the police.

Stop normalising his highly abusive behaviour.

That you call him a good man is extraordinary.

I know what no sleep looks like and it is awful, but screaming abuse at your wife and child is not acceptable.

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