Newborn and toddler, dh won't take turns to sleep but is angry all the time

[Nobleroses]

Just that, another nightmare night of no sleep. I was still in one bed but dh and toddler were in another as toddler woken up in the night saying he felt ill. Toddler wanted to go downstairs at 7am, so toddler came in and asked if I was coming down with them, I said no babe go with your dad mummy's going to get a little bit of sleep. Dh went downstairs ranting "wouldn't that be fucking lovely". I asked him not to swear in front of toddler "Oh piss off with the perfect parent act" he isn't normally sweary and aggressive but we are running on a minuscule amount of sleep and it's turned him into just this angry man. I tried to go back to sleep but could hear him getting irritated by everything our toddler said or did, toddler started crying because he wanted a different cup and dh just erupted "SHUT UP YOU BABY" toddler crying even more "I'm not a baby daddy I'm not a baby" I go downstairs and say right I've got him, go get some sleep.

Dh starts ranting and raving he doesn't need sleep, he's fine, fuck off back to bed. I said there's no reason to swear at me, we need to be a team to get through this, go get some sleep. He's just shouting at me go back to bed go back to bed on repeat. Toddlers crying no mummy stay I want mummy daddy go to bed. Dh just won't admit that he's tired and it's making him horrible and just argues with everyone that he's fine. I said again, gently, look I'm not having a dog at your parenting, we're both tired and stressed and we're both going to have different points where we hit our limit, we're both tired but right now I'm ok and I'm not angry, you are, so you need to just go take some time" he just raises his voice again "are you still fucking going on woman just shut up and go to bed"

Toddler doesn't let me go, I don't really want to leave them alone when he's in this mood as he's not being the nicest to our toddler. He's just sat on the sofa drinking his second coffee in 20 minutes on his phone but he's just raging and the atmosphere is shit. I'd feel so much more relaxed if he'd just go get some sleep but he won't. He never will which means then time when one of us could be sleeping is wasted and I end up with a constantly angry overtired husband. It's getting really bad if he ever actually falls asleep he'll wake up and it's like I've got my husband back but most days just this sweary shouty arsehole, it's like he's too proud to tag team and feels like he wins some award for being awake all the time but he's just making me hate him being around. I cannot say that to him though as he just says that I'm boring and need to stop going on about how he needs sleep. But he does. AIBU?

You're being far too tolerant and making excuses for him, to the detriment of your kids. Tired or not, this is abusive. It's not a one off, it's a repeated pattern of behaviour. I'm guessing you're as, if not more tired than him yet you're managing not to be abusive to him and your children. I get it, it's difficult but you are offering him chance after chance to sleep, trying to be supportive/understanding and not challenging him, yet he continues to swear at you and shout at you and your toddler. There's nothing else you can do, this is on him now. I would be asking him to leave until he sorts himself out, those poor kids.

Wowwwww he is vile isn’t he!! That was a really uncomfortable read. Your poor baby. You did the right thing being calm but I have no idea what to do to get him to shut up and fuck off in that situation when he’s ranting and raving. Foul.

That sounds really difficult. Are you able to take the kids out somewhere for the day? Then hopefully when you get back you can have a good, honest chat and lay down some ground rules.

I know how easy it is to snap when you're knackered and kids are being fussy and annoying, but the way he spoke to your child is horrible. It's really telling too that your husband didn't scare himself a bit by being so cruel.

Your husband's behaviour is not your responsibility, but you do need to stand up for your toddler when he's being mistreated. I'm afraid you're making excuses for your husband, and your toddler is suffering.

You’re minimising and excusing his repetitive abusive behaviour by saying he just needs sleep. If you’re a good person and you snap because you are tired and need sleep you feel guilt, reflect on your behaviour afterwards and take steps to change it. If he was genuinely a non-abusive man whose mean, shouty, emotionally abusive behaviour towards his toddler and wife was just down to lack of sleep he would feel regret and remorse afterwards and work to recognise and remove the triggers.

Your husband is letting his behaviour become a pattern, that is what makes it emotionally abusive. He obviously doesn’t care and if it was genuinely just because of lack of sleep then he would be able to reflect on his behaviour outside of the moment but it doesn’t sound like he is doing that.

People can change, just because he was once kind and respectful doesn’t mean he is still that way now and doesn’t mean he will ever be that way again. I would be taking steps to leave as it sounds an awful atmosphere for your toddler to be in.

Yes lack of sleep is awful and soul destroying and for the first bit when he was a bit ranty going downstairs I was sympathetic but after that? Nope.

swearing at and belittling the toddler- not ok.
refusing to take up a very sensible and reasonable solution you are offering and choosing to be stroppy and sulky- also not ok.
continuing to sulk, swear, be abusive and cruel to you and frighten the toddler- past not ok and into abusive territory and he needs give himself a massive shake.

he’s not the only tired parent in the world and he has a wife who is sensible and willing to work with him to share the load and make sure you both get more sleep. He is behaving appallingly and would have crossed a bit line for me this morning and I would be be telling him go away for a week and stay in a hotel and reflect on it before we talk again. I think I’d expect some serious grovelling and self awareness.

I also think I would struggle to get past it unless he showed genuine awareness that he has behaved badly. He’s not a child he’s a father and disturbed sleep comes with the territory. He can’t lash out in the way he does at you and the kids. A brief oh FFS I’m shattered is normal but his behaviour is not.

your toddler is scared of him today and that is never ok.

I think people are getting themselves a bit frothed up because it's a man. A mother writing that she had done his would be lavished with support. Seen plenty threads like it.

Sleep deprivation is torture. Actual torture. The OP has said that this isnt who he is. They've been through it before and managed to take turns and he act like this.
On this occasion, it was too much and his reaction was a response to the actual torture of sleep deprivation.

I've done it. I was a single parent with a 2 year old and 6 week old. Not a single parent with their dad taking them at the weekend. He left and we didnt see him for 4 years. I was ALONE. I went through the newborn and toddler stage alone. So when I say I got no sleep, I actually got no sleep.

I had my moments when I broke.

Now, there are 2 of you. Still isnt any easier. But you've said that he isnt like this. You're both sleep deprived bandit does sound like you were asleep when your toddler came in and my guess is your husband had been in bed with the toddler and awake the whole time. It pushed him over the edge but then you told the toddler to get him up. And he snapped.

The snapping isnt OK. That behaviour cannot happen again. That's not what I'm saying. But I'm suggesting you wait until the air is clear and have a proper talk. Ask him what happened to make this morning so bad for him. Find a way to communicate when you're so exhausted that you really cannot handle anymore without just sending the toddler back to the other parent or swearing.

This I'd an extreme situation. You need to let things calm and then sort it out. If at the point, he wont listen and wont accept how wrong his reaction was, then you consider next steps.

If my partner spoke to our toddler like that I would make plans to leave. It's just bloody nasty.

Imagine thinking its OK to bully your toddler and wife because you are tired. Snapping - understandable. This is past that. Get some bloody anger management but don't subject your poor partner to it.

I have had 2 under 2 at one point and we were both very very tired, and never has he raised his voice or swore at me. And vice versa. And if it makes a difference, I'm not a naturally placid person but still I learnt to keep it under control because my husband deserves better than that. What is he teaching his poor son? To treat his wife like shit? Poor you OP. Hope you navigate through this

Tell him what he is doing is child abuse and you'll leave him if he ever does it again, he can get all the sleep he wants then. Absolute cunt.

I’ve snapped at my toddler, I’ve snapped “IN A MINUTE!” when they’ve asked for something what seems like the hundredth time. I’ve never berated them and called them a baby for crying. I’ve never been so angry and volatile that my partner is worried to leave our child with me. The OP’s partner hasn’t just snapped at a toddler once, this is repeatedly abusive behaviour and I can’t believe you’re trying to minimise it.

This is really bad op.

I think you should take the baby and toddler and go stay with a relative for a few days.
Tell your husband to sleep as much as possible and when you come back you will be tackling the issues fairly.
Absolutely NO Swearing in front of toddler - that is very poor form.

Butin my book he'd get one last chance and then I'd be done. He can't treat you or your children like that and what example does it set to your toddler witnessing this and you stay for it?

I'm sorry for you.

I’d take the children out for the day and tell him to go to sleep whilst we’re out and grow the fuck up.

Also, I think you missed this part..

most days just this sweary shouty arsehole

I think children would be better off without a parent who was a sweary shouty arsehole most days. This isn’t a parent that lost it one morning out of exhaustion. This is repeated behaviour. There also wasn’t one bit of remorse shown.
When I’ve snapped at my toddler, if not immediately, always within a few minutes I’m feeling guilty and giving them a cuddle. This man continued to be angry and aggressive to his partner and child.

You say 'you can't talk to me like that, this is abuse, I will ring the police if you keep doing it'

THIS.

This is not just a moment of frustration and snapping. He is making a choice by continuing his aggressive behaviour to you and A TODDLER FFS. He is a disgrace. If my husband ever spoke to me or our child like that you wouldn’t see me for dust. This is not a normal reaction to tiredness.

So sad that your toddler is trying to calm their daddy, clinging to you and telling him to go to bed.
That's fear

This is so far from OK, it’s untrue.

These threads make me appreciate my DH so much. But it also terrifies me that our DD might end up with one of these specimens.

I remember feeling murderous through lack of sleep, but managed to never scream, swear at and frighten my family.

I find it chilling that a couple of people on this thread are minimising this. Some posters here have frighteningly low standards.

This is horrendously cruel and unkind.

You have a responsibility to get your toddler away from this. Is there anywhere you can go in the short term?

He sounds really lovely. He will crush your child's spirit just like my parents did with their constant shouting and swearing and your LO will end up with a chronic anxiety problem.

My best friend left his wife because she was exactly like this - but on a long term basis.
He tried everything but she just kept on being an absolute arse to him and their two kids.

He now has full custody, and rightly so.
The MN man-haters out in force again I see!

I'd be explicit. "I cannot leave toddler with you right now because you're being an arsehole and I don't trust that you won't make him feel like shit which let's face it isn't fair because he's fucking 2. He's actually afraid of you right now, and you can resolve this by going to sleep and behaving like an actual human being. So go the fuck to sleep" I find when someone is cursing a lot you need to speak their language for them to get it. And then when they're their nice self really bring it home what they're doing.

If he still isn't repentant- or willing to change his ways then I'd give him an ultimatum.

Yeah he has full custody, sure

My DH had one episode like this when our youngest was a baby. I told him I wouldn't tolerate it, that if he ever behaved like that again I would throw him out, and I meant every word. I was livid and so protective of my child.

You need to have that conversation with him. Regardless of him being tired, he is being abusive and he needs to know that and change.

And if he won't, you need to end it for the protection of your child.

There’s not a chance I’d be sharing a house with him whilst he’s verbally abusive to your toddler.

Maybe telling him he needs to leave until he can control his temper will be the wake up call he needs.