Family comes first surely ?

[Pinkchenille]

4 years ago my friend started a cleaning business. My mum was looking for a cleaner so I gave her my friends number . After 18 months or so she started to clean for my mums ndn too.

My mum has always had the opinion that if you want something you work for it so isn’t very forthcoming with helping out when I’ve struggled but my youngest is now in full time school so I wanted to work but I’ve not been able to for years due to some medical issues . I said to my mum would she consider letting me be her cleaner and as she has that kind of work ethic opinion mentioned above she was happy to do this as she would be helping me out but I wouldn’t be doing nothing in return.

she gave her cleaner (my friend) notice and I’ve now been cleaning for her a few weeks . Her ndn is one of her best friends as they’ve lived there for over 30 years and she had been talking to her and ndn has now given notice and asked me will i clean for her too (she’s aware of my medical issues and knows this will make throngs easier for me I’ve known her years and it was her suggestion)

My friend (well I’m not sure if she is anymore) has accused me of poaching her clients !!! But I’m not . They had given notice and yes I asked my mum but i didn’t approach her ndn. She’s says I shouldn’t have asked my mum but it’s my mum and surely family comes first especially given my circumstances 😞

For me, it would have been really weird if your Mum hadn't changed to you, knowing you needed the money and were looking for cleaning jobs

Totally agree.
If she'd said no, everyone would be saying how awful she was to leave her daughter in financial difficulty when she could help her out with some work.

OP you can't win on here.

However, either way, the friend is not unreasonable to be annoyed with the way things have gone. However, if she's any good she'll already have new clients, good cleaners are apparently hard to come by.

i wondered if your diagnoses of autism and adhd might explain why you are struggling to see this from your friends perspective?

This

YANBU. It's your mum lol.

I’m not a troll and I’m very upset at that insinuation I’m going to leave this thread now

Op you've said you don't understand what you've done wrong. But you've been told over and over why your friend would feel upset. This thread is becoming pointless now. For whatever reason you are unable to show any empathy towards your friend's feelings. I can't see it changing 12 pages in .

And I think that's the point, OP. You "just thought" about what you wanted and needed without any reference to what impact it might have on your friend. I appreciate that your autism may well be a factor here, but that is what your friend is angry about - that you looked at this situation from an entirely selfish point of view without thinking about how it would be from her perspective.

I just needed to keep the electric on and feed my children . I didn’t realise we could get UC

im not a bad person at all

I’m not a troll either . I don’t think MN is the place for me as I never meant to be unkind

And you are perfectly entitled to do whatever you need to do to keep the electric on and feed your family.
But you can do that and still feel empathy that it is going to hurt and negatively affect your friend too.

Yep, I can totally understand why your friend is pissed off with you.

Don't take it to heart, Op. this is an absolutely horrible place sometimes.

I think your autism is playing a part here, with you struggling to see your friends point of view, and I do think some people have been very harsh with you.

Let's hope ,for the sake of your mum and ndn, that you don't get fed up with cleaning, or decide you don't need the money anymore in a fortnight or so. If you do you will have shafted 3 people rather than just 1. That would be quite something. Presumably if you find you are entitled to UC you'll drop them faster than a hot brick.

I don’t think you are a troll or a bad person.

You just have no empathy or understanding of others feelings. And I appreciate that could well be related to autism. But that doesn’t make it any less hurtful to others around you.

The op has said she is autistic so actually probably doesn’t understand social norms or others points of view. Calling someone with additional needs a pig headed witch is disgusting and just goes to show how a lot of people really aren’t that understanding of mental health problems despite claiming to be.

These sort of responses are exactly why there are threads every week of how nasty this place has become.

Op, do what you need to do to get by, and if that’s a bit of cash in hand to feed and heat your family then so what? Its not like you’ll be buying a fancy car or holiday for a few hours cleaning. Would be nice to see women support each other when we’re down instead of a pile on!

I can confirm this is 100% accurate. It happened to my Dad and he is in a really awful financial situation now paying back £300 pm and living off of £500 (on a state pension).

I literally don’t understand the point of the thread at this point😅

This thread is a complete wind up. No one can be that self absorbed.

I’m starting to think the same thing!

I'm sure you're not a bad person, OP, and despite what people might say on MN, most people would do what they needed to do in order to feed their kids.

I think the main issue is that you seem to have a blind spot with regard to understanding how this situation is perceived by your friend. It is unusual to be so lacking in empathy that you genuinely can't understand this, and that's why you are getting so many negative comments on here.

I accept that your intentions weren't bad, but your lack of ability to empathise makes it seem like you don't care about how your actions might impact on other people.

Also, this has majorly pissed me off tbh. My husband tried to claim PIP 3 times for very similar conditions and has been categorically refused and has gone from job to job struggling to earn money as he has no job but having no choice but to leave each one due to his disabilities. It affects his home life majorly as well but here you are playing the fucking system when been allowed to claim it.

Also, try telling your mum that family comes first.

Can't believe anyone would see their child and grandkids struggle like that.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with that, OP.

Of Course family would employ family… it makes sense, I’d be upset if I started a business and my family continued to use another provider, I would hope they would use me …

Please OP step away from this board. This has been awful to read. I think bullies thrive on boards like AIBU as it's a way they can bully behind a screen. I understand others points of view but some of the responses have been absolutely vile and I can't imagine anyone saying things like that to someone in real life.

I don't think you were wrong. Your mum has every right to change cleaners so does the neighbour. However, I think you should have told your friend before you asked your mum and explained, instead of her losing customers and finding out you were the reason why.

Your mum can do as she wishes. Your ndn can do as she wishes. You can do as you wish. Your friend is entitled to think very little of all 3 of you. I suspect she will have the last laugh and that it won't be very long in coming.