Family comes first surely ?

[Pinkchenille]

4 years ago my friend started a cleaning business. My mum was looking for a cleaner so I gave her my friends number . After 18 months or so she started to clean for my mums ndn too.

My mum has always had the opinion that if you want something you work for it so isn’t very forthcoming with helping out when I’ve struggled but my youngest is now in full time school so I wanted to work but I’ve not been able to for years due to some medical issues . I said to my mum would she consider letting me be her cleaner and as she has that kind of work ethic opinion mentioned above she was happy to do this as she would be helping me out but I wouldn’t be doing nothing in return.

she gave her cleaner (my friend) notice and I’ve now been cleaning for her a few weeks . Her ndn is one of her best friends as they’ve lived there for over 30 years and she had been talking to her and ndn has now given notice and asked me will i clean for her too (she’s aware of my medical issues and knows this will make throngs easier for me I’ve known her years and it was her suggestion)

My friend (well I’m not sure if she is anymore) has accused me of poaching her clients !!! But I’m not . They had given notice and yes I asked my mum but i didn’t approach her ndn. She’s says I shouldn’t have asked my mum but it’s my mum and surely family comes first especially given my circumstances 😞

You've been no friend to this person. You've poached her clients and put your needs above hers which you're entitled to do but don't come here looking for absolution or validation of your actions.

You're not a good person.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have taken the opportunity. I completely understand why you have taken the jobs.

BUT, this doesn’t make it any fairer on your friend. It’s still going to have a negative effect on her and she’s going to be upset. I don’t see how you can’t understand that?

OP may it be worth your while having a chat with your friend and explaining your financial situation and how hard up you are which is why you asked your mum for the work. Or explain to her you didn't approach the NDN at all but she asked you.

It’s not being self absorbed it’s the facts. You said everyone but 71% isn’t everyone . Some posters - not many but a could have said I’m not being unreasonable . If it was 100% and no replies saying I’m not U then yes you would be correct saying ‘everyone ‘ . It’s just a fact it’s not self absorbed

Seriously OP just leave the thread. You won't get anything useful here. Feed your kids and heat your home. Your ex-friend will survive no doubt.

It’s not validation I want I’m just struggling to understand why she is so angry and I can see from some replies why I do actually just struggle sometimes to understand others perspectives

I think you are getting an unreasonably tough time on here - I am one of those who voted that you are NOT being unreasonable.

These are people you introduced to her.... so you are not poaching people you didn't have a prior relationship with.... they have moved to you. (Poaching people is usually when you have met them through the company eg if you had been working from your friend and then left with a couple of her clients you had not known before)

In my world:

1. Your friend would be grateful to you for providing her with two clients who she didn't have to find herself - she's had 4 years income from them
2. After 4 years, your mum decides to ask you as her daughter to clean for her to help you out - ABSOLUTELY FAMILY COMES FIRST and very strange if your friend does not understand this
3. her neighbour - an old family friend as you describe it - also wants to help you. ENTIRELY UNDERSTANDABLE - the daughter of an old friend and someone she cares about

In my book, the only thing you didn't do - which if she was your friend would have been appropriate - is take her out for a drink and tell her once your Mum had make the decision that this was what was happening and that you hope she understands.

But I had to put my children first they can’t be in a dark house with no electric and hungry with no food I would not put friendship morals before my children’s needs

Presumably she feels the same way. Which means she has to put HER family and herself before a client-poaching ex-pal.

You did what you did and you obviously feel okay with it. Most people (including me) are pretty 'meh' about you poaching your own mother as a client. It's the neighbour that feels a bit more problematic.

Either way, you feel fine with what you did. However, you expect your (ex) FRIEND, whose income has taken a hit due to you taking her work and may now be experiencing financial hardship herself, to be okay with as well. And that's where YABU.

I earn a fairly good wage, my outgoings are easily covered by my monthly salary. I do frequent overtime to pay for my “luxury” things like hairdressers, holidays, events etc.

If a friend then “poached” my overtime, whilst I may understand they needed to do it to heat their home etc. I would still be upset they did it in an underhand way. And I would then be even more upset that they couldn’t see it was a bit of a mean thing to do, even if it was a necessity.

ps I am neurotypical, not neurodiverse if that is relevant.... totally get that you don't always see the world as others do... and REALLY sorry that this board is giving you such a tough time

For me, it would have been really weird if your Mum hadn't changed to you, knowing you needed the money and were looking for cleaning jobs.....

May I ask why you bothered to make a thread if you're just going to respond to every criticism with whiny "but faaaaamily!" responses?

Regardless of what you did or why you did it, you are coming across as a deeply unpleasant, unlikeable, whiny, self-absorbed, pig headed witch. Not to mention you're now also breaking the law by being uninsured and not declaring your earnings. If I was your ex friend I'd report you and hope you get rinsed.

Agree with @loveyouradvice

You provided those clients to her. Not nice for her to lose them but she had them because of you. If she had found them herself and you were poaching them it would be different.

@Pinkchenille

are you really genuinely struggling to see why she would be angry op? Really?

“If I hadn’t done this she would have all hers and I’d have 0”. She’s a CF and a half! Getting her clients and KEEPING THEM by offering a good service and RUNNING HER BUSINESS.
I think you’ve missed a trick - Sod arsing around over two cleaning jobs! Bigger fish to fry OP.
Let’s think how we can make this work for you - How about Next? I bet they’ve got LOADS of clothes compared to you. Go and help yourself to two things. They’ll still have loads and you’ll only have two, so fair enough!
Don’t stop there though - Try it at M&S, Tesco, Harrods. Wherever you like.
Or maybe you show someone your £10. They’ll take £2 off you because you’ll still have more. Sounds fair eh?
You pinched your friends client. A fact is a fact. Your Mum told the ndn who probably feels some loyalty to you through your Mum (and who probably booked your friend through your mum) and now you have that client too.
These are facts.
You do whatever you like. I personally WOULDN’T sack someone off to give the job to family but I like to think I have a moral compass.
Your friend can think whatever she likes of you, that’s her right, but for goodness sake, stop the ‘my need is greater’ act because ultimately, you’ve just lost your friend some money and that is her concern.
Oh, and she may no longer want to be your friend but you weren’t her friend anyway so I shouldn’t worry.

Because she likely relies on that money.

Unless she’s wealthy and cleans as a hobby then she’ll need her income as much as the next person.

I suspect that your many issues will mean that your cleaning commitments fall apart fairly quickly. At that point your mother and ndn will want your former friend to fit them back into her schedule. I very much hope that she is fully booked at that point and tells them to fuck off. My SIL is autistic. She has no empathy with anyone else either. It's very difficult to like her sometimes.

OP, you seem to be missing the point.

Fair enough if you need to shaft your friend in order to feed your kids. Honestly, if I was really struggling, I would do whatever I needed to do to ensure that my dc's basic needs were met, and I would be prepared to lose friendships over it if I genuinely believed that that was the only option. Things are difficult for a lot of people right now and I understand that.

What I don't understand is that you don't seem to get why your friend would feel hurt and betrayed. You say that you don't understand what you've done wrong because you needed the money. That does sound incredibly self absorbed and entirely devoid of empathy.

If I had to toss my friend aside in order to feed my dc, I would probably do it, but I would feel incredibly guilty and I would totally understand my friend feeling hurt and angry. You don't seem to appreciate this?

Well yes because I don’t know her exact finances from what i can tell she is ok but I don’t see her bank statements so i don’t know for definite. I don’t think she’s in the same situation as us and I only did this as needed a little extra each week

I call bull

Surely no-one is this obtuse

You are being horrendous.

You excuses are not justifying what you done. You behaved disgustingly, you have no defence.

Wow. There've been some utterly vile comments on this thread, but this is really fucking unpleasant and ableist to boot.

This is now turning into a bit of a pile on.

I agree the OP has behaved in a very entitled manner but she has stated she has autism (amongst other issues) and it's obvious that this is an issue here and she really can't see the other point of view.

I can't see any good coming of this.

Op, the only thing I can suggest you do is show your mum this thread because from what you've written here she should be ashamed for not helping you and your kids out, rather than having you clean for her whilst shitting yourself.

i do struggle to see others points of view yes I always have. I just thought we need extra money what can I do

This is the very definition of nepotism - irrespective of skills and past performance your friend was given the heave-ho in favour of a family member. This is a friend, not someone you don't know, so really not a nice thing to do. You could have approached your friend explained the situation and asked if you could take over at your Mum's, if you found her another client. To accept the neighbour is what pushes it over the edge for me.

Don't be surprised if your former friends lets your mutual friends know that you can't be trusted.

Troll level obtuseness.