Child Maintenance Issue

Throwaway0912 · 2023-01-19T23:16:12+00:00

Name change as don't want this linked back or picked up by The Sun. Looking for some outside perspective on this as I think we've got overly emotional. Background info DH has a child (11) from a previous short, casual relationship. Child maintenance by private arrangement since birth, currently £500pcm and has been for 2-3 years now. He uses the calculator as a guideline and rounds up to an easy number. Child's mum got in touch and said she's struggling and needs CMS increased to £700. The issue is, in the last couple of years, we've had children and DH has dropped hours to reduce our childcare bill. He was the higher earner initially, but I then overtook him and his job is more flexible so it made sense for our circumstances. The CMS was never reduced, wasn't really considered because we work from one pot, it's a non-negotiable outgoing, it was just left as it was. However, based on his current situation, when he checked the calculator said he should be paying around £330. He got back to child's mum and said he can't increase to £700, he'd need to stay at £500 and then reassess in September when our childcare reduces. All hell has broken loose. He's now saying screw it, go through CMS and pay the £330. Child's mum is saying it needs to be £700 or she's "taking it further". I'm just lost on what to do. I know it's not my issue to sort but he's my family and we're a team, I'm also a mother and don't like to think of another mother struggling. AIBU for wanting to push for it to remain at £500? Or should I step back and leave him to his knee jerk reaction of the CMS route? Is there a middle ground we've not considered?

HashBrownandBeans · 19/01/2023 23:17

Let her go to the CMS. I imagine she will soon change her mind about the £500. We are all struggling.

Flamingogirl08 · 19/01/2023 23:19

She's going to shoot herself in the foot I'd be inclined to agree with your husband on this

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/01/2023 23:20

I'd encourage him to leave it at £500.

I can see why it would annoy him, but CMS is the basic so paying a little more when you can afford it is the decent thing.

No point spiting his child just to get back at the mother.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 19/01/2023 23:22

I'd encourage him to keep paying the £500. Ex can go to the cms. They'll tell her he only has to pay £330. He can then continue to pay £500 but ex will be off his back about it.

CrackerIsland · 19/01/2023 23:24

Keep offering £500 if you can afford to do so, I wouldn’t reduce it out of spite. Let her take it further if she wishes. She’ll soon discover she would’ve been better off sticking at £500

SpacersChoice · 19/01/2023 23:28

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Original poster

Throwaway0912 · 19/01/2023 23:30

Thank you all so far, spite is exactly what it feels like and why I've felt so uneasy about it.

Sure, it would be lovely to have an extra £170 right now but not by removing it from a child.

I think he's just having an emotive reaction, he's always tried to do the right thing money wise, it's never been good enough, and now this. My head is pickled.

OP posts:

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/01/2023 23:31

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This. And I say this as a mother who CMS decided the father doesn't have to pay a penny to.

Flamingogirl08 · 19/01/2023 23:34

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Unfair comment. OP sounds like she's trying to do the right thing.

Original poster

Throwaway0912 · 19/01/2023 23:36

Thank you for your input. I did expect to get slaughtered on here.

His child has never been less than.

We didn't whack out more than we could afford to pay for. We made a decision based on our circumstances, for a short term period of time. We knew we would have a tighter couple of years, as I'm sure many do.

OP posts:

SpacersChoice · 19/01/2023 23:37

Flamingogirl08 · 19/01/2023 23:34

Unfair comment. OP sounds like she's trying to do the right thing.

Show quote history

No, it’s not unfair. I’ve been around here for c.12 years and every single second mother’s post about child support starts with “short casual relationship but we’ve been married 14057382 years and are a family and a team” - language which clearly excludes the first child, and makes them seem lesser because of the duration/type of relationship. It’s such a fucking yawn fest.

Cats23 · 19/01/2023 23:39

I'm v much going against the above here.
I know someone in almost same situ, the childs Mothr has continuously asked for CM over the years when the father has always paid more than CM would.
The mother has threaten on a number of occasions, to remove contact fromthe father unless more cm is paid.
The father reminded the mother that he has always paid more than CM, the mother still demanded, so she went to CM and now recieves half the amount the father has always given...
IMO, the mother did deserve less after constant threats.
The father pays for many things outside of the original payment and then the CM decision also.
I would say Op, go to CM or the mother of your SS might not stop asking and threats may start about contact

Original poster

Throwaway0912 · 19/01/2023 23:40

SpacersChoice · 19/01/2023 23:37

No, it’s not unfair. I’ve been around here for c.12 years and every single second mother’s post about child support starts with “short casual relationship but we’ve been married 14057382 years and are a family and a team” - language which clearly excludes the first child, and makes them seem lesser because of the duration/type of relationship. It’s such a fucking yawn fest.

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I genuinely do apologise, I hadn't seen it that way and I didn't mean to cause offence.

OP posts:

Flamingogirl08 · 19/01/2023 23:43

SpacersChoice · 19/01/2023 23:37

No, it’s not unfair. I’ve been around here for c.12 years and every single second mother’s post about child support starts with “short casual relationship but we’ve been married 14057382 years and are a family and a team” - language which clearly excludes the first child, and makes them seem lesser because of the duration/type of relationship. It’s such a fucking yawn fest.

Show quote history

I don't think it excludes the child. The ex maybe? I do see your point but it was unfair to suggest the maintenance going down was because of them having children they can't afford when actually it's a knee jerk reaction to the child's mother trying to get more money out of them.

Chantelle302412 · 19/01/2023 23:43

Bloody hell she’s lucky to be getting 500 as it is I get £160 a month. I’d let her shoot herself in the foot and come running back. Everyone’s struggling and he has other children and family to think of.

Rtmhwales · 19/01/2023 23:43

I don't feel the OP meant it to disregard the first child.

To me it felt more she was pointing out DH and his ex were never married so the ex wasn't used to a certain standard of living her ex provided and that it set the history of how long he's been paying £500 for, consistently despite income fluctuations.

Nightynightnight · 19/01/2023 23:44

Does your husband have a relationship with the child? And if so, could he offer support in a different way? Does her mum have to pay for any childcare and if so could your husband help to cut down her costs by looking after her too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/01/2023 23:47

Chantelle302412 · 19/01/2023 23:43

Bloody hell she’s lucky to be getting 500 as it is I get £160 a month. I’d let her shoot herself in the foot and come running back. Everyone’s struggling and he has other children and family to think of.

She's not lucky simply because she's getting more than you.

I hate that train of thought. It shows such low expectations of men.

Overandunderit · 19/01/2023 23:48

You're not going to get a fair ride OP.

Ive no idea what "taking it further" could even mean given he's paying more than minimum.

Did your DH explain to your his ex about the change of hours before it happened? It could seem like an excuse now if he didn't

Ponderingwindow · 19/01/2023 23:48

I would encourage him to keep up the current payment. Cms is the absolute minimum and he voluntarily reduced his income. Could he really sleep at night taking money from his child?

the truth is that costs are going up. He probably should be looking for ways to increase his financial support. It’s not a legal obligation, it’s a moral one. If he can’t afford the increase she has requested, then she has to accept that, but he could still be looking for other ways to help. Perhaps he could cover more childcare or more school runs since he is on reduced hours? Maybe he could be using some of his extra time to shop sales for cheaper clothing, not just for the clothing he buys for the child for your house, but he could offer to do some of the mother’s shopping if she gives him a specific list and a budget.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 19/01/2023 23:50

Chantelle302412 · 19/01/2023 23:43

Bloody hell she’s lucky to be getting 500 as it is I get £160 a month. I’d let her shoot herself in the foot and come running back. Everyone’s struggling and he has other children and family to think of.

Bloody hell. You're lucky to be getting £160 as it is I get sweet fuck all.

Ffs. I hate this attitude. She's not 'lucky'. Her ex is clearly a decent guy who (presumably) earns more than yours or mine.

caringcarer · 19/01/2023 23:53

£500 per month pays for the child's food, clothing and contributes to the gas and electricity. Sounds like ex partner is just struggling at the moment. Has your DH told her he is working less hours as doing childcare for his other children. Maybe she does not know this. He should tell her he is playing £500 but only has to pay £330. If she wants to go to CMS she will find out for herself. If he does not have formal access he should secure it.

BelleMarionette · 19/01/2023 23:55

You sound perfectly reasonable.

How often does he have his child for overnights? Could this perhaps increase if the mother is struggling so much?

SpacersChoice · 19/01/2023 23:56

Chantelle302412 · 19/01/2023 23:43

Bloody hell she’s lucky to be getting 500 as it is I get £160 a month. I’d let her shoot herself in the foot and come running back. Everyone’s struggling and he has other children and family to think of.

I get £0, it’s not a race to the bottom. Tell your ex to get a better job.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 19/01/2023 23:59

Rtmhwales · 19/01/2023 23:43

I don't feel the OP meant it to disregard the first child.

To me it felt more she was pointing out DH and his ex were never married so the ex wasn't used to a certain standard of living her ex provided and that it set the history of how long he's been paying £500 for, consistently despite income fluctuations.

It makes no difference if it was a one night stand or long term relationship, end result was a child.