Page 6 | Child Maintenance Issue

doctormike · 21/01/2023 07:45

“Be Brave” Even if you are not pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 07:46

Throwaway0912 · 19/01/2023 23:16

Name change as don't want this linked back or picked up by The Sun.

Looking for some outside perspective on this as I think we've got overly emotional.

Background info
DH has a child (11) from a previous short, casual relationship. Child maintenance by private arrangement since birth, currently £500pcm and has been for 2-3 years now. He uses the calculator as a guideline and rounds up to an easy number.

Child's mum got in touch and said she's struggling and needs CMS increased to £700.

The issue is, in the last couple of years, we've had children and DH has dropped hours to reduce our childcare bill. He was the higher earner initially, but I then overtook him and his job is more flexible so it made sense for our circumstances. The CMS was never reduced, wasn't really considered because we work from one pot, it's a non-negotiable outgoing, it was just left as it was. However, based on his current situation, when he checked the calculator said he should be paying around £330.

He got back to child's mum and said he can't increase to £700, he'd need to stay at £500 and then reassess in September when our childcare reduces. All hell has broken loose.

He's now saying screw it, go through CMS and pay the £330.

Child's mum is saying it needs to be £700 or she's "taking it further".

I'm just lost on what to do. I know it's not my issue to sort but he's my family and we're a team, I'm also a mother and don't like to think of another mother struggling. AIBU for wanting to push for it to remain at £500? Or should I step back and leave him to his knee jerk reaction of the CMS route? Is there a middle ground we've not considered?

Let her "take it further" and go to CMS. If he's confident on his figures.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 07:48

Throwaway0912 · 20/01/2023 19:59

I think we're sorted. DH left for pickup a bit earlier to have a face to face chat. Took a payslip and just set his stall out, as in, this is how it is, accept it or go to cms, here's my income, ball is in your court now. He said he tried to understand if there's been something specific caused this, like a big unexpected expense or a change in her income or whatever that might mean a bigger issue for DC, but nothing was forthcoming so he's no further forward really.

Just going to keep on as we were and if cms get in contact then so be it, at least we've done the best we can do.

Thank you again to everyone who has chipped in since last night, I've taken a lot of support from this, even just as a bit of reassurance we've not got this completley wrong. Off to drown myself in a bottle of red!

Yes this seems the best solution. He's left it up to her. Even if she does go to CMS and get the lower amount he can always send her more to make it up to the amount he wants to send if she accepts it.

LookyEre · 21/01/2023 08:15

I don't know why on earth you'd be looking to increase it in September either tbh. £550 is perfectly acceptable for 1 child who you have most weekends and school holidays.

aSofaNearYou · 21/01/2023 08:46

Changechangechanging · 20/01/2023 23:53

It's more than enough money for them to be comfortable

Days who? At one point my childcare bill was in excess of £1.2k a month. Just so I could work. £500 wouldn't have touched the sides. Not that I got anything.

I'm talking about school aged children - DSD is 11.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 09:34

She's well within her rights to go to CMS and your partner is well within is rights to insist on sticking to the CMS calculation if he wants.

Personally I think all parents, together or not, should be trying to get themselves in a position where they will be ok to look after their child financially should the other be unable to work, be imprisoned, or die.

Changechangechanging · 21/01/2023 10:43

I'm talking about school aged children - DSD is 11

the need for childcare doesn’t stop once a child reaches school age. And for some people, support is needed into senior school depending on maturity and special needs. My youngest at 13 has a serious medical condition that requires careful handling. He can manage it - just - but he ended up in hospital early year 7 when left to his own devices. It can be tough to balance everyone’s needs in these situations and frankly, it isn’t cheap!

aSofaNearYou · 21/01/2023 11:09

Changechangechanging · 21/01/2023 10:43

I'm talking about school aged children - DSD is 11

the need for childcare doesn’t stop once a child reaches school age. And for some people, support is needed into senior school depending on maturity and special needs. My youngest at 13 has a serious medical condition that requires careful handling. He can manage it - just - but he ended up in hospital early year 7 when left to his own devices. It can be tough to balance everyone’s needs in these situations and frankly, it isn’t cheap!

I'm sure OP would have mentioned if they had significant special needs driving up costs.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 11:15

aSofaNearYou · 21/01/2023 11:09

I'm sure OP would have mentioned if they had significant special needs driving up costs.

Show quote history

Yes that would be a massive drip feed and a half

KnickerlessParsons · 21/01/2023 11:34

In principle he shouldn't use the fact that he's decided to have two more children with a second wife to avoid paying the appropriate amount to support a child he had before the new relationship started.

That's not the case in this situation as he seems to be paying more than he legally needs to, but I'm "just saying" for future ref.

LookyEre · 21/01/2023 11:41

KnickerlessParsons · 21/01/2023 11:34

In principle he shouldn't use the fact that he's decided to have two more children with a second wife to avoid paying the appropriate amount to support a child he had before the new relationship started.

That's not the case in this situation as he seems to be paying more than he legally needs to, but I'm "just saying" for future ref.

I don't think anyone has said they should have they?

MeridianB · 21/01/2023 12:41

You sound very sensible and your DH has and continues to do the right thing. Offering an extra £50 plus subscriptions is generous and she’s going to look like an idiot if she goes through CMS now.

Well done for ignoring all the nonsense about not caring on this thread.

The thing that stands out in your OP, and is a common theme in these threads, is that more money was demanded, then a huge row happens. Often the RP denies contact at this point, too. Where the NRP has been consistent and responsible, why can’t this be a grown-up conversation?

”Things are really tight right now, are you able to increase maintenance to help please/could you pay for the school trip, etc” Surely this would land better than starting off super angry for no reason.

funinthesun19 · 21/01/2023 12:50

Often the RP denies contact at this point, too.

A very shitty move, really.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 12:51

funinthesun19 · 21/01/2023 12:50

Often the RP denies contact at this point, too.

A very shitty move, really.

Yes, if she messes with contact OP suggest he goes to court.

Godlovesall26 · 21/01/2023 13:12

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 11:15

Yes that would be a massive drip feed and a half

Show quote history

She even mentioned the dad had asked if there were special circumstances like an unexpected expense or something and she seemingly had nothing to say.,

He showed her his payslip, he’s already trying in my eyes. It’s not a race to the bottom, sure, but £170 extra isn’t exactly a small amount.

If she really needed it for specific circumstances you’d have thought she’d show up with even a simple spreadsheet with her outgoings etc, as the husband has shown her his circumstances. Maybe he can suggest that as a last resort, but you’d have thought proof would be the first thing she’d send ? If she doesn’t have any then it’s just as unfair to deprive the two other children ?

ElsieMc · 21/01/2023 13:18

£500 is a huge amount op. I say this as someone who has struggled to get a penny for my gs who lives with me. I think the most I ever received as £170 per month and it was based on around £39000 when I knew he earned nearer £60,000 with loads of overtime. He went self employed and I then got a nil contribution yet he was doing the same job/role where he earned£60,000.

Whilst your dh should support his son, as well as the CMS calculator stating £330, does this take into account other children reside with you?

I would get your DH to explain what the calculator says (and I am sure she has checked) and she needs to go to CMS if she wants a change. Child support is such a sorry state in this country. The CMS, set up to avoid the issue of child poverty, is not fit for purpose. It lets so called dads like my gs's get away with non payment and you are faced with intractable, ill trained staff who frustrate and cause you so much stress. I don't know what she means by taking it further? With whom, a body who will reduce the payments she receives.

Mumuser124 · 21/01/2023 15:46

@KnickerlessParsons

Why, why should a first child and ex have a monopoly on the fathers fertility?

Is it only ok to reduce child’s standard of living if the mother decides she wants more children? How utterly entitled.

KnickerlessParsons · 21/01/2023 15:57

Mumuser124 · 21/01/2023 15:46

@KnickerlessParsons

Why, why should a first child and ex have a monopoly on the fathers fertility?

Is it only ok to reduce child’s standard of living if the mother decides she wants more children? How utterly entitled.

You're twisting my words.

The man got into a relationship and had two more children in the knowledge he was already supporting one. As it happens, he is supporting the first one more than adequately, according to the law.