Child Maintenance Issue

[Throwaway0912]

Name change as don't want this linked back or picked up by The Sun.

Looking for some outside perspective on this as I think we've got overly emotional.

Background info
DH has a child (11) from a previous short, casual relationship. Child maintenance by private arrangement since birth, currently £500pcm and has been for 2-3 years now. He uses the calculator as a guideline and rounds up to an easy number.

Child's mum got in touch and said she's struggling and needs CMS increased to £700.

The issue is, in the last couple of years, we've had children and DH has dropped hours to reduce our childcare bill. He was the higher earner initially, but I then overtook him and his job is more flexible so it made sense for our circumstances. The CMS was never reduced, wasn't really considered because we work from one pot, it's a non-negotiable outgoing, it was just left as it was. However, based on his current situation, when he checked the calculator said he should be paying around £330.

He got back to child's mum and said he can't increase to £700, he'd need to stay at £500 and then reassess in September when our childcare reduces. All hell has broken loose.

He's now saying screw it, go through CMS and pay the £330.

Child's mum is saying it needs to be £700 or she's "taking it further".

I'm just lost on what to do. I know it's not my issue to sort but he's my family and we're a team, I'm also a mother and don't like to think of another mother struggling. AIBU for wanting to push for it to remain at £500? Or should I step back and leave him to his knee jerk reaction of the CMS route? Is there a middle ground we've not considered?

To add to this, he's offered a payslip if she does want to pursue CMS. He's fully employed so isn't hiding any of his income and if she does choose this route, he intends to still pay what has been paid, as DC, as has rightfully been pointed out, shouldn't be impacted for the financial choices we've made to suit our current situation.

'Women like you' ? A woman who has said she is concerned that her husband is thinking of going through CMS and doesn't like to think of another mum suffering and wants it to stay at £500? That sort of woman?

This is a woman that is trying to be fair and caring to all her children, she's not being callous and saying just go through CMS. So stop projecting and stereotyping second wives in such an unfair way.

What you say about whacking out more babies is just as unkind and disrespectful to those children.

Perhaps the reason for saying that the child is the product of a short, casual relationship isn't because she's trying to say that the child is less important, perhaps it's because she knows that women like you will assume she's the other woman and make unkind and uncalled for remarks.

For some posters it always has to be the fault of the man, regardless of the reality.

With respect I think that any increase is a bad idea. Don’t feel pressured by the people on here who would have second families live in poverty to pay more to the first family

500 was more than cms. She wanted even more. Staying at 500 is more than reasonable. If she “takes it further” and that means cms that’s her choice.

Would you be open to the lass living with you for a year or two and seeing her mum on weekends/holidays? If she is 11 - 12 I fully appreciate that can be a terrible time to move but right now she can't spend time with friends most weekends anyway and that age can be a bit strained between the primary parent and their kids. I'm just musing as to whether this is about more than money, and if the ex is feeling a bit ground down.

I think you (and DH) have been perfectly fair. If she wants to go down the CMS route then let her, but hopefully continue to pay the £500/£550 as usual.

If you have more than one child, you should try to act fairly between them, no matter who the other parent is. Obviously you can't equalise everything but it's shit to say that the only children you are going to contribute substantially to are the ones that you live with. It's got nothing to do with the other parent and what they're providing, it's what you as the father are providing for your children. Yes, there might be less to go round, but a fair share of what there is should be directed at all of your children.

In any case, that's not the situation here - the OP's husband is contributing a significant amount to his child.

Can't imagine she'll drop it for 50 quid. She might accept it but someone who threatens taking it further isn't going to suddenly understand she's not the only one with money worries.

I think giving in to her was a mistake op. She knows you'll give in, she'll keep doing this. I understand keeping it at the same level but I wouldn't be asking how high when she told me to jump.

Her behaviour suggests she’s not a nice person. Pandering to people who use threats is very foolish, you’ve shown yourselves to be ready to be bullied and she’ll do it again.

You don’t have to grovel on here because you’ve had the temerity to marry a man who had a child. Some people will always project their own issues on threads like this but they’re usually irrelevant to your own situation.

He's not heard back yet but he's at the stage now where he's done what he can, it's just not an option right now to go any higher than what he's offered.

I know technically he's paying more than he should "legally" but we are in a position that he can do more without it putting us up the shit, so it's the right thing to do.

He doesn't spend as much time with her as he'd like to and I think he's felt that a lot more since having DC that he does live with, but there's not much we can do about that just now.

I truly did expect to get a rough time here, it is a difficult subject. I'm not the other woman either, I appeared on the scene much later. Just trying to navigate a tricky situation best we can. I need a large bloody wine tonight.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong op. There's a lot of very unhappy women here who enjoy bringing others down.

He shouldn’t have to increase it just because his ex needs/wants him to. She doesn’t get to have a say in your household finances like that.
He’s paying £500 - that’s a lot of money and more than he officially should be paying. She’s already got enough from him.

You have your joint DC to think about too. You have all of your budgets planned already. You need that money. She can’t just decide it’s hers.

She can blackmail all she wants. She can go to the CMS all she wants. She won’t be getting £700. If anything she will be worse off if she’s not careful. We’re all struggling. She will have to find her own way of getting an extra £200 instead of your household having to scrimp to meet her demands.

Your dh shouldn’t have to increase his hours to get some extra money to send her either. He’s paying £500 ffs.

My dh ex did this.

They had a private arrangement for him to pay her 500 a month, she wanted more which we didn't have so she went to CMS who said that DH should be paying a minimum of 330. So that's what we now pay, we top up with things the dc need like shoes or coats etc but after the way she behaved it's what she deserves.

Let her go to cms she'll end up with egg on her face.

I don't think you've come across badly at all, OP.

It was clear to me that it was a heat-of-the-moment comment from your husband, which I completely understand.

Step mums get such an unnecessarily hard time on here just for being a step mum. It's pathetic.

It is at take it or leave it stage now, we can't physically or financially do any more. I'm not increasing my hours, I work FT as it is, and if DH increases his we'd be worse off as we'd have extra childcare to pay. He does 32 condensed into 3 days, so he's not exactly sitting on his backside in a 12 hours a week job or something.

I felt quite sad last night at how it had all come about, upset that someone is struggling, but I feel a bit pissed this afternoon.

It's obvious that you're both doing your best to compensate financially for the fact that your husband's day-to-day parenting of his DD is more limited than would be ideal. Ultimately, your husband has three children not one to consider.

I think it depends if the Ex will see sense here that she is getting a good deal and to stop always thinking to ask for more...

My DH started out with a private arrangement of £350 for 2 kids then a year in she decided she should get £150 per child so 450 ( partner had 2 with her but she had a son previously who he had helped raise for 7 years)

He refused and offered other ways if it was a money issue she made our life's a nightmare for 3 months with constant abuse and contact so finally he said I'll go to CSA and you will get what they tell me which turned out to be £270 and they wrote to him in early aug telling him first payment is payday September

Come august payday she was on the phone asking where the £350 was... he says payments start in September so nothing due in august and she got £0 and I know it was spiteful but she drove us to it!!

Hi op I think 500 is more than reasonable, considering you also pay for half of school trips / uniform etc.
we have a step son who my partner has full custody of, I have my own from previous relationship.
we get 400 from my ex and 250 from his.
we never however ask for extra or half of uniforms etc.
now everyone’s finances has been effected but current issues we have no asked for additional as we are aware they are in the same situations.

Why was he OK with his child missing out just to make a point?

@fastandthecurious1

I think it was probably a knee jerk reaction to somebody trying to take the mick out of him in the name of his child. He came to his senses the next morning and presumably calmed down.

Well personally, regardless how much people on here say CMS is just the minimum, I think £500 is more than enough and a bit of an insult to people who are actually struggling, for one child. He's not exactly going to be suffering if his parents are "only" spending £1000 a month on him alone. I would not consider £700 and I would go through CMS. Their figure sounds a good one.

But if you're really against it, just stick with the £500

It isn't for you to fund her lifestyle.
It sounds like you and DH do as much as possible and way more than other people.

I would never increase payments because she has kicked off about it. She should act like an adult about it and not be making demands. You aren't a money pot that she can just kick off at if she wants more money.

Keep the payments at £500 and I'm sure she would appreciate it if she realised he could be reducing it down to the minimum payments.

Good. They don't get to treat the other parent like shit until they get paid more money. It isn't pay per view 🙄

I know it was spiteful but she drove us to it!!

Yes, of course, she is responsible for your behaviour. Why on earth should you be held to accountant for your behaviour, eh?