Child Maintenance Issue

[Throwaway0912]

Name change as don't want this linked back or picked up by The Sun.

Looking for some outside perspective on this as I think we've got overly emotional.

Background info
DH has a child (11) from a previous short, casual relationship. Child maintenance by private arrangement since birth, currently £500pcm and has been for 2-3 years now. He uses the calculator as a guideline and rounds up to an easy number.

Child's mum got in touch and said she's struggling and needs CMS increased to £700.

The issue is, in the last couple of years, we've had children and DH has dropped hours to reduce our childcare bill. He was the higher earner initially, but I then overtook him and his job is more flexible so it made sense for our circumstances. The CMS was never reduced, wasn't really considered because we work from one pot, it's a non-negotiable outgoing, it was just left as it was. However, based on his current situation, when he checked the calculator said he should be paying around £330.

He got back to child's mum and said he can't increase to £700, he'd need to stay at £500 and then reassess in September when our childcare reduces. All hell has broken loose.

He's now saying screw it, go through CMS and pay the £330.

Child's mum is saying it needs to be £700 or she's "taking it further".

I'm just lost on what to do. I know it's not my issue to sort but he's my family and we're a team, I'm also a mother and don't like to think of another mother struggling. AIBU for wanting to push for it to remain at £500? Or should I step back and leave him to his knee jerk reaction of the CMS route? Is there a middle ground we've not considered?

Tell her you’ll need to stick at £500, and if she pushes it further make it clear you agree to abide by any CMS award.

I think she’ll regret that rather quickly!

Will try to answer what I can.

Contact wise, yes, there is now consistent contact after a rocky start. Has been for a long time now.

I'm not sure she was aware his hours were reduced, their contact is minimal. He didn't reduce his child maintenance so I don't suppose she would have noticed. We don't live close enough to do school runs so contact is weekends (3 in 4) and school holidays.

With regards to extras, there's obviously birthdays and Christmas - sometimes they do their own or they half depending on what DC wants. Big things like school trips, uniform, one off big expenses, is usually at least half.

Some things I hadn't thought about here like offering to cover additional childcare, thank you. We do buy clothes and pick up things along with ours if we see something, or replace if something looks like it's getting small, but also something to make a conscious effort over so good suggestion also.

I know we're all struggling and it's not a race to the bottom. We're going to have a proper look at outgoings and see if it can be increased any before September.

I'm aware I've not come across well but I do appreciate all of the comments and viewpoints, it's helped see things more calmly.

So he reduces his hours to suit his new family circumstances and now intends to reduce his maintenance because he can get away with that by his ex going through the CMS? Is that right?

He's a petty little man if so, isn't he? Don't make excuses for him. This is how he will treat you and your children should you split.

I think you've come across as very well balanced and reasonable. The Ex probably isn't aware of how much she stands to lose going via CMS. It's tough times for a lot of people so putting her in the picture with an update on your finances should help her understand what is or isn't unreasonable to expect by way of an increase.

You've got everything back to front I'm afraid.

He reduced his hours to suit his new family circumstances, kept maintaince to ex at the previously agreed higher level, fully intended to continue with that as they have arranged their household finances with the £500 ringfenced, got a demand for more money from the ex, told her "not right now, possibly later in the year when circumstances change", were met with a load of abuse, got fed up and decided to go down the official route to arrange payments which would result in a loss of £170pcm to the ex.

I agree that reducing the payments out of anger would be petty.
However I'd be tempted to let her get on with it, see it through, then just return to the £500 amount once she's seen the difference between what she gets and what the law says she's entitled to.

It is ridiculously petty, I agree. And why I'm here, looking for some rational input.

He never has paid the minimum, but he has been lax the past couple of years in keeping on top of increases, so in that respect she was perfectly right to ask for a review.

I don't think he'll go down the CMS route, I honestly think he's just had an irrational reaction to what's happened between them. I hope so anyway, he's never behaved like a dick where children are concerned before so I wouldn't like to think he's capable of it for exactly the reasons you describe.

It’s not ‘lucky’ for a child’s parent to do slightly more than the absolute bare legal minimum.

I’d encourage him to keep it as is. In the child’s interests.

@SpacersChoice

It in absolutely no way excludes the child, it excludes the ex.

Everyone seems to be missing the point here.

She can't kick off because he won't increase it further than he should be paying and it's great that he has always paid more than he needs to.

If she keeps being a cow about it, then yes go directly through the csa and it will be reduced right down to the £330.
Serves her right for being a cow and making demands of your DH.

You can then make a decision if you keep paying the £500 when she comes crawling back and realises she has made a mistake.

Have you even read the post ?! 😳

How does it exclude the ex? She’s an ex so she is already excluded. Stating the relationship was short and casual is designed to make the child seem less than.

You're coming across really well OP. There's just some cranks on here who like to pick people apart no matter what. £500 sounds like the best option.

That's not at all what OP has said!

I get her point, I’m struggling with how to have a similar conversation with my ex but I think expecting a 40% increase is a lot and she needs to be realistic. Let her go down the CMS route, her choice. As for “Sure, it would be lovely to have an extra £170 right now but not by removing it from a child” believe me, she doesn’t give a shit about your kids… not her problem and she won’t be thinking about it like that.

This. Why is he punishing his first born over this, he doesn't sound very nice.

Why should she come back crawling? Has the father crawled to her given that she is doing most towards bringing up THEIR child.

The obvious thing is just to say, look when financially things improve I'll look to increase it. There should be no element of " punishment" in it.

leave her to it the only person who’s going to loose out is the child if she carries on
doubt any parent would do this
once she’s exhausted her threats she’ll probably be more reasonable to deal with

Going round throwing threats about then finding out your child will loose out because of her threats
then yes you would have to crawl back so her child doesn’t loose out

tbh isn’t the first thing you’d check how much you’d be entitled to before kicking off

Serves her right for being a cow and making demands of your DH

It's the child that matters here. Attempts at punishing the ex are also going to impact on the child.

isn’t the first thing you’d check how much you’d be entitled to before kicking off

How would she check? They live a distance a part. Ex will have little sense of lifestyle. He's hardly going to be providing his wage slip each month. The way to check is by contacting the CMS, surely?

That's not at all what OP has said!

OP agreed with me.

Or tell him to get "a" job my ex was told to pay 180 he countered that offer by paying zero 🤔 his girlfriend helps him buy paying for his new xbox his new car just until his inheritance comes in obviously she doesn't realise its never going to go back in her pockets

And yes she thinks we had a short casual relationship too we were actually married she also thinks both the kids were my idea they actually were not plus the marriage was his idea im not bothered its AMAZING how people twist things

(For disclosure, my ex pays £35pw, and has done for over a decade for our two teenagers, so £150 a month-ish - for both, not each)

I think you sound very reasonable. I understand his snap reaction to the hassle from her, by suggesting he go along with reducing the maintenance in line with CMS calculations, but agree that if the £500 figure is still manageable, it would be best to continue paying that.

Has he been honest with his ex regarding his income at the moment? I bet she imagines his income is much higher, she won't have picked a figure out of nowhere, especially when it seems things areHasreasonWonkabhad le between you all.

You've

is won

Had some great suggestions of other ways you could contribute in the meantime.

Good luck, I hope it works out peacefully for you all.

(Formatting
Wonky because eMN can't get their shit together)

At the end of the day, if DH and the ex were still together, he would only have his money to contribute to the household. Has his money suddenly gone up by £200…no. So where does she expect this money to come from, that’s right…you. We get this from the ex all the time.

In fact, DH and the ex had a private arrangement for years. The ex was absolutely convinced that DH was screwing her over and insisted on a CMS case, even though DH said he was paying more. Oh how we laughed when the CMS calculated he needed to pay £65pcm LESS than he had been.

Spoiler, he carried on paying the same amount as he’s not petty but it did kinda serve her right, especially when we got the panicked text messages.

@SpacersChoice

I don’t agree, I think it is to give context that the bond between ex’s is not so great that you would be disadvantaging yourself for their benefit.

I would be far less likely to put myself out for somebody I have known for a little while over somebody I have know for a lot longer and have a deeper bond with.

Presumably the child is loved by their father as child is his, so really can’t see how pointing out it was a short relationship excludes the child.

@SpacersChoice hey there is a reason I get £40 a week and mostly that is because he has 3 other children so he pays £560 out a month to all 3 mothers. We are also still in a relationship but living apart mostly when we are all under one roof he pays for most of it as it’s his place we live in so it is pretty shallow of me to say what I did but I’d love to be getting £500 or a bit more than £160 cause it would help more as he earns £££ a week and I struggle. But then I do take note of the ones like you that don’t get nothing and realise how hard it must be for you on your own

This.