Child Maintenance Issue

[Throwaway0912]

Name change as don't want this linked back or picked up by The Sun.

Looking for some outside perspective on this as I think we've got overly emotional.

Background info
DH has a child (11) from a previous short, casual relationship. Child maintenance by private arrangement since birth, currently £500pcm and has been for 2-3 years now. He uses the calculator as a guideline and rounds up to an easy number.

Child's mum got in touch and said she's struggling and needs CMS increased to £700.

The issue is, in the last couple of years, we've had children and DH has dropped hours to reduce our childcare bill. He was the higher earner initially, but I then overtook him and his job is more flexible so it made sense for our circumstances. The CMS was never reduced, wasn't really considered because we work from one pot, it's a non-negotiable outgoing, it was just left as it was. However, based on his current situation, when he checked the calculator said he should be paying around £330.

He got back to child's mum and said he can't increase to £700, he'd need to stay at £500 and then reassess in September when our childcare reduces. All hell has broken loose.

He's now saying screw it, go through CMS and pay the £330.

Child's mum is saying it needs to be £700 or she's "taking it further".

I'm just lost on what to do. I know it's not my issue to sort but he's my family and we're a team, I'm also a mother and don't like to think of another mother struggling. AIBU for wanting to push for it to remain at £500? Or should I step back and leave him to his knee jerk reaction of the CMS route? Is there a middle ground we've not considered?

Errrr because the money is for CHILD support. It’s for his child.

Does the mum work, if not she needs to get a job!

I'd keep it as it is. If she wants to take it further I guess that's the CMS and if so pay that amount.

Let's not forget there are other DC here. They have financial requirements too - the SC does not trump any other child and visa versa.

And of course the DM is just as entitled to reduce/increase her hours as your DH has done. She has a responsibility in this too.

3 kids by 3 mothers …red flags everywhere!

Does the mother work? is she still single?

Many mothers get by with their own income (or not if they don’t work) and whatever benefits they may or may not be entitled to. £500 is a lot of additional money and as OP stated has always been rounded up above the CMS calculation. £6k a year would pay for all the additional utilities, food, school uniform, personal clothes and birthday/Christmas presents for the child and leave some aside for any wraparound childcare and hobbies.

Times are hard for everyone and she is demanding more simply because she can, even though she knows cost of living will have also affected her child’s father and presumably is aware he now has more children. Seems like she is hoping it is the path of least resistance to improve her financial situation.

Threats to take it further clearly imply refusing contact and similar. Completely unreasonable.

I would keep offering the same with the explanation that it is more than CMS calculator and what can be afforded in the current situation. Offer to increase nights with the child if that will help with her costs, if it works for your family. If she does go to CMS it may humble her and she’ll accept the situation. If contact becomes an issue and it goes to court, she won’t win and she will have inflicted a whole bunch of unnecessary drama and stress on her child.

Both the mother and your husband escalated. Whilst his reaction was in response to her aggression it was aggressive too. They both threatened each other.

The right response would have just to restate his offer. Without all the justification and background which just create potential points of grievance for her to focus on.

There is nothing you can do about her anger. If she is struggling financially it comes from stress. A bit like your husbands response.

Speak to him and ask what he really wants to do for his child. Get him to move away from responding to the mother’s behaviour. Hopefully it will be to continue to pay £500. Then go back to the mother and remove the CMS threat and offer £500. Keep offering it. Don’t explain why just offer it as it is.

Hopefully she when she finds out it is more than she is entitled to she will climb down her ladder.

when the tension is gone your husband might want to speak to the child or mother about the current situation. The hardship might be very serious and it might put his child’s welfare at risk. Beyond the situation you are in.

If her DH and his ex were living together then he'd be contributing more than £500 a month so this argument doesn't really make sense.

And if your husbands ex was sending panicked emails about £65 a month then it sounds like she's struggling. It's really unkind for the pair of you to laugh about it.

@Tandora

£700 isn’t really for the child though is it? It’s to make the mums life easier so she doesn’t have to either get a better paying job or work more and contribute an equal amount.

You would have to argue that this child costs £1400 a month bar the 4 days they are with father , so £1400 for 24 days?!

Some people have incredibly low standards for men.

You're being reasonable OP just some people on here who have obviously been treated poorly by their children's father and are protecting on to you

For clarity - I don’t mean the Op

Sounds to me like he thinks the moneys for her he’s not making the direct correlation that it’s for his child. I’d be side eyeing him over this and it would give me pause for thought.

Ideally, he'd make a similar level of contribution (financial and otherwise) to all of his children.

His financial contribution to your joint children has reduced, but he has increased his parenting contribution and spends additional time with them, which they benefit from in terms of their relationship with their father. This also provides you as the higher earner with more flexibility to do your job, and so has an indirect financial benefit for your children.

His reduction in hours has no similar parenting benefit or indirect financial benefit for his other child. So if he chooses to reduce his payment to £330, based on lifestyle choices he and you have made for the benefit of your family, he's directly disadvantaging his other child - she receives the same amount of time (which is quite a small amount of time anyway) but much less money. So that does seem a bit of shit thing for a parent to do.... in making career or other decisions, they should take the welfare of all their children into account, not just the children they live with at the moment.

@Colderthanever

Youd side eye your husband for not allowing somebody to demand a substantial chunk of your family pot that impacts your other children?

£500 is a lot of money when you are a separated couple.

This child already has a father who doesn't live with her or spend that much time with her. Surely it's directly for her benefit if her mother can afford to work less, is less stressed and can spend more time with her, as otherwise she has very minimal quality parental input compared to the dad's other children.

I don't think you come across badly at all. You've come on here to get feedback and instead of pointing things out that some may see and be aware of that others don't in a constructive way people have to jump down your throat. They don't come across well op.

You guys know what you can afford if you can't afford to increase don't. Just keep stating the same calmly. She may be panicked about the col increases and not having an increase in years will make her feel that one is due but that doesn't mean you have the means. Don't make counter threats. Don't respond to threats to 'take it further' unless it affects seeing his DC. If she allows him to have a rational conversation then he can tell her that if your situation improves then of course you would look at it again?

@Sleepless1096

Unortunately that’s just the reality of being a separated family, you can’t expect the financial support you once would have had as a couple. If the father was rich then I can see an argument for it but you can’t just demand more money and expect to get it because you are a mother and then have a tantrum when you do not get it.

There are many things that would benefit my children that I am unable to afford. There is not an unlimited pool of money for most people, sometimes a mum has to step up and maximise her own earnings even if she’d rather spend time with her children, single or not.

Sounds like ex partner is just struggling at the moment.

Does she think she's the only one, though? Does she never see the news?

As for “Sure, it would be lovely to have an extra £170 right now but not by removing it from a child” believe me, she doesn’t give a shit about your kids… not her problem and she won’t be thinking about it like that.

Did I misunderstand that? I read it as OP saying that, yes, they could well use the extra money, if the child's mum wanted to shoot herself in the foot by insisting on the amount that the CMS ruled, but was acknowledging that it would be very unfair on the child to lose that money; not that the £170 would/should be taken from OP and DH's child.

While I agree re “short casual relationship”, where does op say she can’t afford childcare for her kids? Ultimately the child’s father’s income has gone down so CMS will go down. That’s life - you can’t control how many kids your ex has nor does the kids born first get precedence.

all children are equally important.

Call the CF’s bluff. Just cause she calls it CM, how does the child suddenly cost her an additional 40%? Inflation is 10%. Do not give in to her or the threats.

shes 11 or 12 though and spends most weekends with her dad. Absolutely no reason her mum can’t work full time

I think in this case he needs to say. Unfortunately, I'm not in a financial position pay more child maintenance. I currently earn £x PCM. The child maintenance calculator says that I need to pay £X but I didn't what my life choices and change in salary to impact DC and have therefore have continued to pay £500. I appreciate that everyone is struggling and wish I could do more. If my financial situation changes in the future I'll up the maintenance accordingly.

I wouldn't stick it to her and reduce her payments. It's pretty. Shes obviously struggling or she wouldn't ask. Ultimately, it will impact on his children who I'm sure he loves and wouldn't want to struggle unnecessarily.

Just getting a chance to catch up now, honestly thank you everyone for your thoughts, there's been some really balanced opinions that have helped us straighten this out.

Too many replies but there was a poster who said they both escalated the situation - exactly that. There was upset and anxiety on both sides and neither of them helped.

DH this morning has seen his overreaction of going to CMS for exactly what it was, a ridiculous hot headed comment. He would never disadvantage DC, any of them, if he can at all avoid it.

DC mum does work, but like the rest of us is feeling it and panicking.

We've relooked at our financial situation and have offered to increase to £550, and will revisit again in September when childcare reduces and see what else is possible. Having DC more isn't logistically possible for us or their mum, unfortunately.

Taking some of the other advice of other ways to help, it's a small thing but DH has said to use our logins for the likes of Netflix, Disney, Spotify. It doesn't make a huge dent but it's an extra £20/30 that we're already paying anyway, and in a roundabout way frees that expense up for DC mum.

Hoping she accepts this as we really have tried. She's a nice person, money worries do funny things to all of us I think.

@Sleepless1096 is the only person who gets it. The adults should stop getting into petty arguments and he should start doing what is best and equal for all of his children.

I completely agree re the “short casual relationship” that it's completely irrelevant when it comes to the needs of, and providing for, the resulting child; but I wonder if some people say this to make it clear that they weren't the OW, who 'took the father away' from his kids that he'd been living with for years with his DW/their DM, in case people assume and criticise them for this.