To be disturbed by what I heard

[Mtngfres]

Seeing the post about not wanting to share life stories at work has reminded me of a group training exercise I did just a few weeks ago that involved sharing and being vulnerable.

Everyone felt comfortable and shared some difficult things about their childhood. Mine were fairly tame compared to others - parents divorcing, low self esteem, bit of depression etc.

It turned out that nearly half the room had been victims of some pretty terrible abuse. Details were revealed that I won't go into but I've been left feeling quite disturbed by what I heard. One story in particular was so horrific and everyone cried, including the very unemotional men.

I see rationale for being open in these settings and admire this person for their bravery at speaking about it but a few weeks later I feel so disturbed by what I heard and part of me wishes I'd not heard it. It's not that I see them differently or don't feel sympathy for their ordeal but I just didn't expect that level of revelation in a training setting and its floored me.

They also shook and cried a lot when they told it and so it's clearly still very very raw and difficult for them.

Maybe IBU for feeling like this - I just felt unprepared to hear those things and I guess horrified that it happened to so many in the room. The world can be such a terrible place.

There is no rationale for a workplace creating a situation where people feel pressured to share overly personal information. Totally inappropriate.

And it's not always safe for people to let go of their feelings and reveal private information to colleagues and then just be sent home to deal with the aftermath. That really isn't good.

OP, I think you need to talk to your HR department about this. It's completely unfair to put you in that situation and for some, it could be hugely triggering to hear descriptions of others' abuse. If you sign up for group therapy, fair enough, but this is work, not group therapy.

I'm sorry you've been put in that position.

It sounds like a totally unreasonable and inappropriate exercise

That is so inappropriate. I would give feedback to whoever organises training.

I don't believe everything I hear. There's currency in victimhood. People are full of bullshit, people lie and people make stuff up. I wouldn't give it too. Much thought.

Was this at work?????? I think it's very irresponsible for work to have done this!! People can disclose things and then regret it. You can't predict how people will treat you afterwards. It all sounds cultish.

If this wasn't work, or you perhaps work in an unusual profession where this is relevant, then I hope there is ongoing support for people.

I'm not surprised you are a bit shaken. Any empathetic person would be.

Completely agree. This sounds really inappropriate.

Where were the boundaries?!

What kind of work do you do?

This sounds like a course I went on a while back called double loop learning. The only purpose it served was to get people to a point of vulnerability they would never go to in a normal office setting. I also think they used it to gather covert info on people so the powers that be could decide who was “in” and who was not.

I refused to to open up and was labelled difficult. I didn’t care as I knew what they were doing was harmful and unethical.

YNBU. As a poster just said, it's completely unethical and harmful. It's normal to feel disturbed by people sharing really difficult things and shows you have empathy so don't feel bad about it. They absolutely should not be doing this. Even in professions where people have to listen to difficult things like this, they will be given appropriate support and supervision for dealing with it. Its horrendous that these things seem to be fairly common in workplaces.

The theory is that high performing teams trust each other and that trust can be accelerated through mutual vulnerability.

I’ve seen this work and not work.. Run badly and it’s like sharing an anecdote - brief and no tangible benefit. Run with people who don’t like each other and it’s a disaster as people can feel traumatised and victimised. Run well in the right group and when the people sharing are in a good mental state, then it’s okay and can work.

I was forced to facilitate a session and I spent the whole intro telling people only to share what they felt able to. That group loved it!!

I have very mixed feelings about it.

@Mtngfres Hearing other people recounting their traumatic experiences in detail can be traumatic for you.

You might be experiencing secondary trauma or vicarious trauma.

The link below has very good information about it. It is intended for health professionals who are frequently exposed to other people’s trauma, but I think it has some helpful information for you.

www.bma.org.uk/advice-and-support/your-wellbeing/vicarious-trauma/vicarious-trauma-signs-and-strategies-for-coping

As a victim myself, it's hard not to give you a bitter response, but instead I will try to understand...
Like others, I'm not sure if it's an appropriate exercise or not, mainly because what people choose to share can't be predicted and if someone goes down deep it then tends to have a domino effect and you can get multiple traumatic stories... or silence. If the company wanted to do this again they could perhaps give some guidance that certain topics may be triggering for others to hear. Though it may then defeat the object of being vulnerable.

We had a similar training exercise many years and I still get cross thinking about it. There was no easing into it, the trainer just went straight from team bonding ideas into asking each of us to share a traumatic experience. I had recently lost a grandparent and was still grieving, but one woman had just returned to work after a stillbirth. Utterly, utterly inappropriate and insensitive, and someone must have complained as we never used that trainer again

I also went to what sounds a very similar few days long course.

It was horrific.

I'm still angry if I think about it now.

People were forced (it was almost brain washing) into sharing stories that made them vulnerable and emotional with other people from the same company that they didn't know well (multiple large departments had people attending). It was almost a form of brainwashing as they built it up slowly and cleverly (slyly) to the point where if you didn't share an emotional story you were a failure.

My old boss had a lunch meeting called “pause and be inspired”. Some of the things people shared were personal, quiet traumatic and just too much. I declined to be the “sharer”. Even attending and listening to everyone’s stories was traumatic

"You don't see them differently."

This is why I would never tell anyone what happened to me because of people like you.

Honestly.

If it's affected you this much you need to report it to HR.
But also, how awful for you

Sounds wildly inappropriate- an employer deliberately deciding to get employees to tell personal trauma on the off chance it’ll make them more money.

Id either decline or just lie if it were me - make something up that is just about enough. My personal life is fuck all to do with my employer, and my childhood or family life even less so.

I don’t understand why this is being pushed in the name of training or inclusivity. I genuinely don’t see one benefit of forcing personal trauma to become public knowledge amongst colleagues.

I’ve been shocked reading threads about things like this happening in a work setting. Surely it must be against human rights to force people to reveal such personal things. All of the plasters being ripped off and trauma being exposed. And some people must feel differently about their colleagues after hearing certain things.
we live in an over-sharing world, it feels like the world is going crazy. I don’t understand what peoples personal lives have to do with their jobs.

Yes, I've noticed this trend too and not sure how I feel about it. I've been on a work course recently where some of the prompts resulted in people being very open and vulnerable about their personal lives, and raised some difficult issues. I mainly appreciated it. It was good to have a development course that recognised everyone has different goals and encouraged people to be open about how their career is part of the overall picture, rather than a blind focus on how to progress up the career ladder.

However, I'm a fairly heart on my sleeve person and I recognised that some of my colleagues who prefer to keep a very professional 'work self' probably weren't enjoying the environment. I also wasn't subjected to any conversation that I found uncomfortable - your example sounds very difficult.

I think you could feed back to the moderator/organiser that this type of session isn't welcomed by everyone and actually they need to exercise more control over the group and this type of potentially triggering discussion. I also think people need to feel empowered to share nothing and it to be recognised that that is equally ok!

Thanks for all the comments. Can't reveal details about line of work but it's not psychology or a setting where people may be better equipped to hear and deal with certain things.

I see the comment that I'm making it all about me - i know my reaction isnt important in grand scheme of things but I'm not ashamed to admit I found it very hard to hear and don't feel well equipped to hear about other people's abuse, not because I have no empathy or don't care but because I have a lot of empathy and it's really hit me. I couldn't stop crying when I heard and then when it was my turn to speak almost felt bad for sharing fairly run of the mill problems that seem so insignificant next to real trauma