To be disturbed by what I heard

[Mtngfres]

Seeing the post about not wanting to share life stories at work has reminded me of a group training exercise I did just a few weeks ago that involved sharing and being vulnerable.

Everyone felt comfortable and shared some difficult things about their childhood. Mine were fairly tame compared to others - parents divorcing, low self esteem, bit of depression etc.

It turned out that nearly half the room had been victims of some pretty terrible abuse. Details were revealed that I won't go into but I've been left feeling quite disturbed by what I heard. One story in particular was so horrific and everyone cried, including the very unemotional men.

I see rationale for being open in these settings and admire this person for their bravery at speaking about it but a few weeks later I feel so disturbed by what I heard and part of me wishes I'd not heard it. It's not that I see them differently or don't feel sympathy for their ordeal but I just didn't expect that level of revelation in a training setting and its floored me.

They also shook and cried a lot when they told it and so it's clearly still very very raw and difficult for them.

Maybe IBU for feeling like this - I just felt unprepared to hear those things and I guess horrified that it happened to so many in the room. The world can be such a terrible place.

Your workplace sounds terrible doing this in the name of training. I would be furious about this - they have no right to out people in this situation. I can look back at 'training' exercises I've been at in the past and some have been inappropriate (massaging your colleagues) and unpleasant (first aid training where the trainer was delighted to share very unpleasant details with us from when he was a paramedic) but sharing trauma in such an unprotected way is unethical and potentially very damaging to everyone. I can't see any way this can be justified.

If it's a relevant work situation, then this kind of training has gone on since time immemorial and surely you expected it? As your work field is so unique you can't say what it is, we have no way of knowing.
If it was for a job in which vulnerable people/abuse/legality etc aren't everyday situations then clearly there was no need.
But while we don't know if you work in Tesco or in a top grade psychiatric unit/prison, who knows?

Though I'd say the fact that everyone felt comfortable opening up, (as per your OP) yet you are still traumatized might say more about whether the job (again, if such training is relevant) is for you or not.

Don’t be ridiculous. No one should be forced to listen to traumatic and potentially driggering experiences. The OP isn’t a trained professional. Also, no one in a workplace setting should be coerced into sharing such intimate experiences. I wonder how many of those who shared really regret it now.

Where do you work OP? I can’t begin to imagine this kind of thing happening in my office. It seems so wildly inappropriate.

You seem nice.

I would absolutely hate that. I never share anything other than cake, work info and jokes with my colleagues.

How are you supposed to handle it? With your sister or friend you know what they want from you - a hug/drink/ring someone etc. You can't possibly know what a vulnerable colleague would want because it's a forced intimacy.

I am so shocked by this! It sounds highly manipulative not to mention unethical.

What are the management of these companies thinking? People who have no experience or knowledge of mh and abuse have no business initiating these sorts of discussions. At best it is naieve and at worst it is hugely cynical.

So basically they are trying to make you bond over bad experiences so they can make more money?
This is absolutely disgusting can’t believe it’s allowed.

Jeez this practice sounds highly unethical and I would very strongly question the motives behind any management team that felt that it would be beneficial. The fact that some people here who have experienced it feel that there is an ulterior motive to sort the wheat from the chaff is shocking and manipulative in the extreme. I am very private at work and this would make me deeply un comfortable. It is up to us as individuals how and when - and even if - we share our vulnerabilities, and that is an important part of peoples' coping mechanisms after trauma. I would either refuse to share or make something up. And then I would complain.

It is about her and has every right to protect her mental health.
She sat through it with no warning or prep. Very unprofessional of the company.
There's a reason people train to be therapists. Not everyone is equipped for hearing about traumatic experiences especially when they feel helpless.

Sounds inappropriate. Not sure what your workplace were trying to achieve by doing that.

This must have been pretty terrible for your whole team, and I’d hope this wasn’t some gimmicky ‘trust’ exercise that then left the victims and those who listened with nowhere to go and no follow up support. Sharing information like that in anything other than a therapeutic setting, or amongst close family or friends, is entirety inappropriate, unnecessary, and unethical, and I think you do need to inform HR. Has your team discussed it post event?

Also, it means that because people remember this stuff because then it defines those people as the victims of that trauma for the rest of their time there. "Do you know Sue, from accounts? You know, the one that had that still birth."

And what about the fact that it lays people open to bullying.

Fuck me. It beggars belief in its scope for damage.

This really hits the nail on the head. And it is so, so wrong. Asking people to expose their trauma just so shareholders or business owners can make as few more quid, that’s what it boils down to really.

On this and the other thread, very few seem to have found this kind of exercise personally beneficial. It’s intrusive and should not be done. My mental health is non-negotiable.

Yes sadly trauma is everywhere. I work in an environment where I chat day to day with people a lot, on a very shallow basis & it astounds me sometimes that everyone has their story, everyone is going through something. Sometimes it's big like loss or some sort of abuse.

It is really upsetting to hear about peoples traumatic experiences, it would be unusual not to feel upset.
I don't know why this workplace didn't do some sort of debrief or offer follow up counselling? This would be entirely needed & I think this could be fed back. Not just for people who hear stories that are traumatic but also for the sharers of the story. Also, I think it's right to say that for the average work environment, it's a bit much to expect from people.

On the plus side people survive abuse & trauma, not always intact but if they're holding a job down I'd say they are functioning which is testament to the resilience of human beings.

I'd try to walk away with something positive like this, it is uncomfortable but sadly when you scratch the surface you don't know what is going to be revealed.
Personally I am very aware of human suffering & lean more on the side of delving into this, but no-one should be pushed into sharing or hearing the most vulnerable parts of another person.

I found it very hard to hear and don't feel well equipped to hear about other people's abuse, not because I have no empathy or don't care but because I have a lot of empathy and it's really hit me.

Its appalling to ask people to share their traumatic experiences in the context of a work training setting. Even if people are hearing traumatic stuff in their day job, sharing their own stuff is very different. As well as the way it’s impacted you, I’d worry about the people who shared who could easily be retraumatised and left feeling very vulnerable.

There would usually be a clear health warning explaining people only share what they are comfortable with, and also explaining the need to consider other people in the room who may be impacted by what they hear for many reasons. The facilitator should have set clear boundaries after the first people shared too deeply - if the facilitator didn’t know how to do that, they had no right running such an exercise.

Does hour workplace have an Employee Assistance Service/employee counselling? It would be worth accessing it if they do just to give yourself somewhere you can speak openly about your feelings and help you cope.

The facilitator has acted in a hugely unethical way.

I'd hate to be put in this position. One of the good things about work is that people can take you at face value and not judge you on your background, or your life story. It's purely on how you get along and how good you do your job.

If anything like this happened in my workplace I would walk. What gives employers the right to use some psycho babble latest training fad to manipulate their employees. I would be going straight to the top with this OP it is inappropriate and potentially damaging for all concerned.

WTAF?! Are they taking notes from the Scientology movement or something?

Hell would freeze over before I got involved in any of that bollocks 🥶

OP isn't a trained professional, close friend or relative in this case, but a colleague.

No one should be forced into such a situation at work, esp with no warning.

Other people's stories could have triggered someone else who wasn't ready to face their situation.
There wasn't even a trained professional to help.

I spoke to my GP and had counselling, have never spoken to my family or friends because some (not all) people will see/treat you differently.

What a terrible comment. You have missed the point entirely.

Op is upset by what they've heard like someone who reacts to hearing terrible news stories. People avoid the news for that reason but this came out of the blue at work.

Really? You sound like my 17 year old. What is the point in saying this? OP's not making it all about her; she is showing empathy for that person which is entirely appropriate and makes her human. Her reaction to it also means that there is value in discussing what is a highly unethical way of training people, particularly in the hands of cavalier trainers the potential for management to use the information to their own ends. This thread will hopefully give the OP some pointers to find a way to discuss it with her HR department without compromising herself, and hopefully prevent similar "training" happening in the future, thereby benefitting others, not just herself.

Maybe try and think a bit more critically about why someone posts before slamming someone down with teenage-style sarcasm.

This exactly. Who wants to be dredging up all sorts of personal stuff at WORK of all places!!

The point of saying this is that some people really get off on passive aggressive point scoring and being sanctimonious. Or what they think is point scoring, because it actually just makes them look very dim.

What a pile of wank. Work is a necessary construct in order to earn money, go home and enjoy life, whatever type of work it may be. Not all this touchy-feely tripe.

I wouldn’t have shared anything about my life. It’s absolutely nobody’s business.