To be disturbed by what I heard

[Mtngfres]

Seeing the post about not wanting to share life stories at work has reminded me of a group training exercise I did just a few weeks ago that involved sharing and being vulnerable.

Everyone felt comfortable and shared some difficult things about their childhood. Mine were fairly tame compared to others - parents divorcing, low self esteem, bit of depression etc.

It turned out that nearly half the room had been victims of some pretty terrible abuse. Details were revealed that I won't go into but I've been left feeling quite disturbed by what I heard. One story in particular was so horrific and everyone cried, including the very unemotional men.

I see rationale for being open in these settings and admire this person for their bravery at speaking about it but a few weeks later I feel so disturbed by what I heard and part of me wishes I'd not heard it. It's not that I see them differently or don't feel sympathy for their ordeal but I just didn't expect that level of revelation in a training setting and its floored me.

They also shook and cried a lot when they told it and so it's clearly still very very raw and difficult for them.

Maybe IBU for feeling like this - I just felt unprepared to hear those things and I guess horrified that it happened to so many in the room. The world can be such a terrible place.

Rubbish. I smell BS.

@2023bebetter I completely agree. Most adults are not mature enough to cope with even a small amount of sharing. They gossip. It changes how they perceive that person. This can harm the career prospects of the sharer. It is totally inappropriate to ever put someone in a position like this. We don't live in a commune with our work colleagues. The idea that we should feel obliged to share information with them that we don't even share with all our friends is preposterous.

I agree. I have always kept work and my personal life totally separate.

This - the revelation itself may or may not have been appropriate - forgive me if I missed anything, but it depends on your job/ training/circumstances etc - but for someone to open themselves like this to a room full of people (something the may later regret) and not to receive trained support afterwards - and for as long as they needed it - is very troubling.

I helped a friend once who was a severe alcoholic. She asked me to take her to go see her sister. Which I did. She then said would I be sit with her. Which I did

she then told a story to her sister which obviously I heard that terrified me to my very soul. I didn’t sleep for days and I could t believe what she’d gone through. Even 3 years later I suffer severe nightmares from it but all I think is

i didn’t go through it……….fuck me

You are completely fine to be feeling this way, it's not making it about you at all, it was totally inappropriate and I imagine I would feel similar in the same situation. My husband has had an extremely traumatic past and I struggle to hear about it, I am not trained to deal with it and its a big thing to have on your shoulders and not be able to help the person at all.

MN can be awful at being nasty to posters in similar situations to yours, of course you are posting about your feelings and how it affects you, that's the point of posting, to get advice and help for you. You can't help the other person but you have been upset by something and are entitled to feel that way.

Is all this ‘sharing’ a newish fashionable import from across the pond?

Makes me think of the often dreaded rustic ‘team bonding’ exercises from some time back, where staff had to make rafts out of dead sheep and catch hedgehogs to cook for dinner.
OK, I exaggerate, but not far off. Dh was once sent on one - he actually didn’t mind it but for ‘bonding’ purposes he thought it a complete waste of the company’s money. It was a trendy exercise then, though - not to mention a nice little earner for the businesses that ran them.

And surely the others should have the choice to be the audience for the sharing. It should definitely be a two way street.

Please formally complain OP. Put it in writing as you have in your post. I speak as someone who works in HR that this sort of course is completely inappropriate in the workplace. Awful both for those feeling manipulated or coerced into sharing, and those having to hear it.

It's probably some trendy new fad that training people pick up on as a great new way to justify their existence. I would strongly oppose something like this in my organisation, if it was ever suggested. I am not a 'sharer' and have some difficult things in my past that I've not even told close friends less alone some random person from Accounts.

A formal complaint will bring home to those organising and approving this sort of 'training' that it does have consequences, and you may then help others then not have to go through the same thing.

OP, can you say a bit more about what actually happened to make everyone feel they had to share such personal stories?

I hear that you were on a training and someone shared something super-personal, and then lots of other people did, but I've missed the part where the training specifically prompted anyone to do that.

So it was interpersonal skills training and were all in service business (law/ insurance).

The trainer himself shared first and spoke about a family stillbirth so that set the tone. Then one by one we went round and revealed 'what made us who we are today' which included the abuse stories, family suicide, mental health issues etc.

For those saying report to HR - one of the stories was shared by main HR person. I'd essentially be telling them their story made me uncomfortable after they had courage to share. I don't feel like I can do that

Just read your update.

I am sorry they had go through that but I’d still complain - go above them to their line manager.

i think I’d also be looking into the background of the training company and their credentials around this . Dealing with trauma is a complex area and needs professional support.
Please can I ask what support (after this training ) anyone is offered? I would be really worried that someone having to ( or being encouraged to) disclose the level of trauma you described may well be tipped into further crisis.

I would be asking what the aim and expected outcome of this interpersonal skills this training was to be exactly? How was the sharing of personal traumatic experiences with colleagues in the workplace likely to help you in your current job role? Was due diligence done on the organisation brought in to run this workshop?

That sounds triggering and entirely inappropriate based on the course content.

I definitely think you should go to HR (despite them having people present) and raise concerns