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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law

121 replies

GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 20:05

I have a 12 week old baby. I haven’t had a good relationship with MIL for years - she and I are not close at all. She has a good relationship with her son (my husband), and will often see him when he pops round to see her (without me). She’s never once invited me over or asked me to do any kind of activity with her. During the pregnancy, she didn’t contact me once to see how I was doing. We had a big fall out also, due to an argument I’d had with my husband. I sent her some nasty texts.
Since giving birth, she’s made comments saying she isn’t seeing the baby enough, but due to my non existent and bad relationship with her, I’d never feel like popping in there.
I attend a hobby on a Friday where my husband looks after the baby. I found out that on Fridays she has been coming to my house secretly and seeing the baby. My husband has been inviting her. I am furious and feel like this has massively impacted my trust with my husband. AIBU?

OP posts:

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 20:06

The secrecy would annoy me

daemonologie · 19/01/2023 20:09

There is no way that someone who wasn't in good term with me would have access to my baby. They'd have to make it right with me beforehand. Your DH has picked a side. I would be livid.

harriethoyle · 19/01/2023 20:10

Isn't this actually the perfect solution? You don't have to see her, she sees son and grand baby, thus removing pressure to go at other times.

I agree though that the secrecy would annoy me. Your DH shouldn't have done that.

CrocodileShoooooesCrocodileShoes · 19/01/2023 20:10

Did you ever invite her out, or ask to go over?

Unless there's a lot of information missing it sounds like you were the one in the wrong here.

Neither of you really bothered with each other, then you sent her nasty messages because you argued with your husband.

No wonder she doesn't want to be around you, and your husband obviously wants to see his mum so arranges it when you're not there because you don't like her

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/01/2023 20:12

I think you might need to take the bull by the horns and tell your DH that it's time to clear the air with her. You can get it off your chest. She can respond. Then everything is out in the open. You might say something like,

"Are we able to build a better relationship with mutual respect? How are we going to move forward with this?"

You'll probably have to be the adult here, then you can decide what is going to work best for you.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 19/01/2023 20:13

You openly admit to having played a part in this and sent nasty messages. Be the better person and reach out for your child's sake. Your husband should not have to pick between his wife and his mother.

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 20:16

How do you get into a situation where your MIL is unpleasant for years, your husband doesn’t defend you and yet you have a new baby?

Do you just not get on but nothing especially problematic? If this then I’d leave then to it.

Is she the type to badmouth you and try to alienate you from your child?

A LOT of information missing here.

BevMarsh · 19/01/2023 20:16

If your dh wants her to see your child then he takes baby to visit her when it's convenient to you both.
I'd be livid she'd secretly been in my home.

daemonologie · 19/01/2023 20:16

You've known her years and she's never bothered with you before so she's not going to now. Why would she when she gets access through her son. She sounds like an interfering nightmare. Don't feel sorry for her. She made her bed. Yanbu

DestinysGrandchild · 19/01/2023 20:16

harriethoyle · 19/01/2023 20:10

Isn't this actually the perfect solution? You don't have to see her, she sees son and grand baby, thus removing pressure to go at other times.

I agree though that the secrecy would annoy me. Your DH shouldn't have done that.

I agree.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 20:20

BevMarsh · 19/01/2023 20:16

If your dh wants her to see your child then he takes baby to visit her when it's convenient to you both.
I'd be livid she'd secretly been in my home.

It's OP's husband's home too.

Imagine a woman posting that her DH wouldn't allow her mum to visit her home or her baby.

ExtraJalapenos · 19/01/2023 20:21

I don't understand the issue.
She gets to see her grandkid. You don't have to cross paths with her when that happens. Isn't that the best solution?
How do u know she's complaining that she doesn't see baby enough if you don't have a relationship with her?

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 20:24

I don’t see the problem either. She see’s her grandchild and son when you’re not there. You’re annoyed about the secrecy but perhaps you need to ask why he didn’t tell you? It’s never easy when a spouse falls out with your parent, trying to navigate that and keep both happy is really tough.

Brefugee · 19/01/2023 20:25

aside of the secrecy - given your reaction that's not surprising - i think this is a perfect solution. It is your DHs child too and he can have a relationship with his mother, and build a relationship between his mother and his child. You, OP, need have nothing to do with it.

I loathed my MIL but was always happy for DH to visit her with our DCs. I just never went with them.

milawops · 19/01/2023 20:26

The secrecy would piss me off but other than that it's win/win. She sees her son and grandchild and you don't have to deal with her. What was your husbands reasoning for hiding her visits though?

Swiftswatch · 19/01/2023 20:29

Of course you are being unreasonable. Why should he have to keep his child away from his mother??
It doesn’t sound like she’s really done much wrong to be honest. It sounds like she sided with him when you two had an argument and then you were immature and dragged her into it via the texts.

JudgeRudy · 19/01/2023 20:31

What do you mean 'secretly'? How did you find out? Did you husband lie or just not mention it? Had you agreed she was banned from the house?
Now if there's been lieing that would piss me off but that aside, isn't that a perfect time for her to come round? Are you angry she's in your house or angry that he's not been honest?

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2023 20:31

BevMarsh · 19/01/2023 20:16

If your dh wants her to see your child then he takes baby to visit her when it's convenient to you both.
I'd be livid she'd secretly been in my home.

It's his home and his child too.

And whilst normally I'd say he should back his wife, with the information so far, the OP isn't covered in glory either.

Glorianna · 19/01/2023 20:36

Your husband and his baby are entitled to a relationship with their mum and grandma.

isadoradancing123 · 19/01/2023 20:36

Its your husband’s home also, why shouldnt he invite his mum

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 19/01/2023 20:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MrsR87 · 19/01/2023 20:36

i think the only person who is ever so slightly in the wrong here is your husband for keeping her visits secret. But, from what you’ve said she’s hardly going to text you and be like “by the way when you’re attending your hobby, I pop round to see baby”. She might not even know that you don’t know.

Unless there is a reason (ie she’s dangerous) why you don’t want her to see your child, it seems like the perfect solution. She gets to see her son and grandchild and you don’t have to see her.

Perhaps she didn’t contact you during pregnancy because she’s scared you’ll accuse her of being an interfering mil…you’ve admired you’ve already sent some nasty texts.

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 20:40

The secrecy would annoy me
so would her being involved in an argument you had with DH. Why is DH involving or siding with his mum so much?

but it’s your husbands house, mum and baby
at least she’s seeing the baby and you don’t have to see her?

you should probably say sorry for being rude to her. Assuming she isn’t horrible, your op only says you were rude to her, you don’t mention anything she’s actually done wrong, if she has, to warrant you having an issue with her being in your home.

Cas112 · 19/01/2023 20:40

The secrecy would annoy me but she also should be able to come round and see her grandchild

OnePerson · 19/01/2023 20:40

It;s your husbands baby too. Seems the ideal solution to me. I expect he kept it a secret because he knew you wouldn't allow his mother to see his baby without making a drama out of it.

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