Mother in Law

[GingerBiscuit2]

I have a 12 week old baby. I haven’t had a good relationship with MIL for years - she and I are not close at all. She has a good relationship with her son (my husband), and will often see him when he pops round to see her (without me). She’s never once invited me over or asked me to do any kind of activity with her. During the pregnancy, she didn’t contact me once to see how I was doing. We had a big fall out also, due to an argument I’d had with my husband. I sent her some nasty texts.
Since giving birth, she’s made comments saying she isn’t seeing the baby enough, but due to my non existent and bad relationship with her, I’d never feel like popping in there.
I attend a hobby on a Friday where my husband looks after the baby. I found out that on Fridays she has been coming to my house secretly and seeing the baby. My husband has been inviting her. I am furious and feel like this has massively impacted my trust with my husband. AIBU?

You sent her nasty messages? I think you need to apologise. It's his house too and he's trying to keep the peace. Can't you just grow up a bit and tolerate her? Why should she be friendly to you when you obviously are hostile to her? Clear the air, start again

The DH, and MIL are doing this behind his wife’s back. That is the main issue I see here. It’s not stirring up trouble to bring this out into the open. It’s simply not going along with being not being supported by her husband.

The DH, and MIL are doing this behind his wife’s back

Now why do you think that OP's DH didn't mention it? If I was married to a partner who sent nasty texts to my mother, I'd invite her round TO MY OWN HOME when he wasn't there, too. And I'd find no reason to mention the visits.

your argument is like when men cheat and say they didn’t tell the wife because they didn’t want them to be hurt.

he needed to be an adult and explain what he wanted to do. Obviously. They are a team. I’m sure OP had her reasons

MILs can be really shit and it sounds like you've been dealt a bad one. But kindly, can you try and see the positive side of this? Now baby gets to see GP and you don't have to see her! Brilliant solution.

The secrecy isn't ideal, but maybe your husband didn't want to cause a storm, because its a really good solution for him as well. Not condoning it, just looking from another angle.

😂

You can't be serious. You think that inviting your own mother to your own house, is comparable to having an affair?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having your mother visit. There is everything wrong with having an extra marital affair.

It's not the same logic at all. In the one case, the partner has no right to dictate that you can't do it. In the other, the partner absolutely has the right to hold you to the commitment you made.

YANBU for being angry at your husband. It would be fair game if he invited her while you're out. This way you don't get to see her, job done, both sides happy. His fault.

Some DILs can be really shit!

'Your' baby is also your husband's baby. Why shouldn't his mum see her/him.
There would be a massive outcry on here if it were your husband stopping your mother seeing the baby!
How sad he had to do it in secret,without being able to speak to you about it. You sound irrational.
You said you sent nasty texts, how awful! And how childish.
No doubt she is far from innocent, but you sound like you are too.

The comparison here is people justifying the lying. The lying is the issue

He hasn't lied.

The issue here is the OP. I'd bet my house she would have kicked off if her DH had suggested his mum came to see her grandchild and son when the OP was at her hobby.

@Legrandetraitor who has lied?

It’s not exclusively ‘your baby’, you sound quite possessive. If DH wants to spend time with his mum and your joint baby then he should be able to. Just be grateful that you don’t have to be there.

What the hell is this comment 😂 dh should not have to pick sides between his dm and dw, he is allowed to invite his dm to his house to spend time with his dc regardless what op thinks.

Yes, this is the way forward. Set up a meeting between the three of you, to clear the air. Do you want your baby to grow up with all of this negativity between both families? Suggest to you DH that he doesn’t tell his mother about any arguments between you and him from now on, if he does, she doesn’t get involved, a wise council keeps a still,tongue.

Except he doesn’t want to be there when she does turn up and he doesn’t like her much.

He’s volunteering OP’s time and services to entertain and cook and clean and listen to MIL jabbering on about horrible things about people.

so no he doesn’t have a right to invite his mother into the shared home he has with OP and expect her to entertain his toxic parent.

he can do that himself in his mother house.

@frazzledasarock the WHOLE point of ops post is that MIL is attending IN OPs ABSENCE 🤣 She's not there let alone entertaining!

You’re right. That was another thread.

This one is more a trust issue. The husband is hiding things OP doesn’t have a good relationship/any relationship with her MIL.

i don’t think either husband or wife should be inviting people they don’t like into their shared home though.

m can’t stop him from taking their child to hers if he chooses though.

I think if my husband told me I couldn't entertain my own mother in my home, when he was out, I'd be telling him that I would not accept that level of control.

Just because he may not get on with Mitch my mother, she's still my mother and what harm dies it do to him if she visits?

@frazzledasarock

I’m really struggling with a recent family rift involving my MIL. she was meant to look after our LO for a few days whilst I was away and my husband works full time. I asked if she would look after our LO at home so that he would feel comfortable and in familiar surroundings whilst I was away - she said no, and so our hands were tied. My parents who live abroad are now in the country over the period I’m away, and suggested that they could look after our LO at our house to keep disruption to a minimum - a much easier option for me and a much better option for my LO. I told my MIL this (with a months notice) and gave her the option of staying at ours at the start of the week and doing a grandparent swap - she has gone completely nuts over it, has called my husband to rant about me, has sent me manipulative messages saying she won’t come and see us anymore, and to top it all off my husband has sided with his mother. I’m at a loss of what to do - I was trying to make the best decision for my LO and I’ve caused a huge family argument. Help!

I need to add she is very helpful but also incredibly overbearing and tends to sulk when she doesn’t get her way.