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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law

121 replies

GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 20:05

I have a 12 week old baby. I haven’t had a good relationship with MIL for years - she and I are not close at all. She has a good relationship with her son (my husband), and will often see him when he pops round to see her (without me). She’s never once invited me over or asked me to do any kind of activity with her. During the pregnancy, she didn’t contact me once to see how I was doing. We had a big fall out also, due to an argument I’d had with my husband. I sent her some nasty texts.
Since giving birth, she’s made comments saying she isn’t seeing the baby enough, but due to my non existent and bad relationship with her, I’d never feel like popping in there.
I attend a hobby on a Friday where my husband looks after the baby. I found out that on Fridays she has been coming to my house secretly and seeing the baby. My husband has been inviting her. I am furious and feel like this has massively impacted my trust with my husband. AIBU?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/01/2023 22:36

Is husband ever in charge of and responsible for the baby on his own? Or do you take care of baby and when you’re not around he hands baby over to his mother?

he sounds a bit shit really.

RedHelenB · 19/01/2023 22:38

daemonologie · 19/01/2023 20:09

There is no way that someone who wasn't in good term with me would have access to my baby. They'd have to make it right with me beforehand. Your DH has picked a side. I would be livid.

But its not just her baby
It's her husbands too. That is a very controlling viewpoint. And very unreasonable.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2023 22:39

Why does he sound shit?

Whippetlovely · 19/01/2023 22:43

Sounds like the perfect solution, you don’t have to see her and she still gets to have a relationship with her grandchild. you are being cruel if you keep her from seeing her grandchild .

Guavafish1 · 19/01/2023 22:44

Let her see your child on the Friday

I don't see any harm ... its a shame they kept it a secret. That shouldn't have happened. But now it's in the open, id let them continue.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 22:48

He has not picked a side @daemonologie . If he had he'd have left OP and gone to live with his mum. It sounds like he's trying to navigate a path that does not involve talking sides. After all, OP seemed to give as good as she got, if not more so.

If your DH had a massive row with your mum, would you let him dictate that she is not allowed in your home, even when he's not there?

talkingmorenonsense · 19/01/2023 22:49

You don’t exclusively own your baby. Your DH is an equal parent and his DM is your child’s grandparent. You need to grow up and put your child’s interests first. Your child has a right to see their grandparent.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/01/2023 22:52

JustAnotherManicMomday · 19/01/2023 20:13

You openly admit to having played a part in this and sent nasty messages. Be the better person and reach out for your child's sake. Your husband should not have to pick between his wife and his mother.

This

dogdaydown · 19/01/2023 23:00

BevMarsh · 19/01/2023 20:16

If your dh wants her to see your child then he takes baby to visit her when it's convenient to you both.
I'd be livid she'd secretly been in my home.

So her DH is not allowed his mother to visit?

Op sent nasty texts.

It's not a clear cut case.

I agree this is the perfect solution to the problem as PP said.

Copperoliverbear · 19/01/2023 23:01

He should not have to keep it a secret his mother should be able to see the baby, just because you don't like each other, he should be able to let his mother see the baby whenever he wants as long as he's willing to do the contact as understandably you don't want to. X

Labraradabrador · 19/01/2023 23:18

What is the long term picture here? Do you think it is the right thing to keep your dc from your mil indefinitely?

I have a terrible relationship with my fil, and would rather we never interact. However, my two dc love him and benefit from a positive relationship with him. I encourage the relationship for their benefit, and suffer in silence during Christmas and birthdays because I think that is best for my children.

can you separate out your relationship and that of your child with mil? Would she be a loving and positive addition to their lives? If yes, then you need to suck it up and figure out how to facilitate the relationship. If no, if you think she would be abusive, then by all means exclude her and get on the same page as dh.

the subterfuge would really bother me as well, but you need to put your child’s interests in the forefront when deciding contact.

Original poster
GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 23:25

Thanks for the replies. In further clarity she is not a nice person. She’s got 3 sons who she has the same overbearing relationship with. She dislikes all the DILs for different reasons and only invites round the sons, excluding all females in the family. She expects them to wait on her hand and foot; to do her shopping, provide money when she needs it etc. She bitches about them all as well. She is very dramatic and never sees eye to eye with anyone and does not seem to like women.

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 23:27

Labraradabrador · 19/01/2023 23:18

What is the long term picture here? Do you think it is the right thing to keep your dc from your mil indefinitely?

I have a terrible relationship with my fil, and would rather we never interact. However, my two dc love him and benefit from a positive relationship with him. I encourage the relationship for their benefit, and suffer in silence during Christmas and birthdays because I think that is best for my children.

can you separate out your relationship and that of your child with mil? Would she be a loving and positive addition to their lives? If yes, then you need to suck it up and figure out how to facilitate the relationship. If no, if you think she would be abusive, then by all means exclude her and get on the same page as dh.

the subterfuge would really bother me as well, but you need to put your child’s interests in the forefront when deciding contact.

I get your point. I’m not sure what to do long term but the fact she and DH are in alliance against me and my wishes I suppose bothers me.

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/01/2023 23:33

she and DH are in alliance against me and my wishes

What exactly are your wishes? Because from what you've said so far, the only one we know is that you don't want her in the house. But it's your DH's house too, so that's just as unreasonable as it would be for him to ban your mother from your house.

In that particular case I'd say that they're not 'in alliance', they're just continuing a normal mother/son relationship.

Tubs11 · 19/01/2023 23:34

Sorry OP, but you don't sound all that pleasant either so can see why DH has gone behind your back. Maybe work on your relationship with mil for all your sakes

Original poster
GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 23:39

Tubs11 · 19/01/2023 23:34

Sorry OP, but you don't sound all that pleasant either so can see why DH has gone behind your back. Maybe work on your relationship with mil for all your sakes

I have tried. Back when we were friendly I used to help her do small tasks like shopping, give her lifts. look after her rabbit, clear out the cage etc but nothing I ever seemed to do was good enough for her. She always spoke to her son and ignored me. I don’t want it to continue like this and something does need to be done I would just prefer if she built a relationship with us as a family rather than seeing her son and our baby separately.

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/01/2023 23:49

I would just prefer if she built a relationship with us as a family rather than seeing her son and our baby separately.

That's fair enough. I'd got the impression that you didn't want to see her.
But I'm assuming that those multiple nasty texts will take some getting past. And whatever led to them, I think you're going to have to work on encouraging the relationship rather than waiting for her to..

UsingChangeofName · 19/01/2023 23:50

My husband has been inviting her.

to his home to see his child and spend time with his mother.

Take a look at yourself.

You are being massively unreasonable.

None of us know the whole truth about the history here. There will be at least one, but probably two other sides to how the relationship has got to this state, but, as it is at this state, your dc's grandmother spending time with her ds and grandchild once a week when you aren't there, sounds like the ideal solution for now.
Obviously, working out your differences and both growing up a bit would be a better long term plan.

Crazycrazylady · 20/01/2023 09:51

Honestly op you're been totally unreasonable here. You don't want a relationship with her which is absolutely fine ( she sounds nasty) but you are totally unreasonable to demand that your husband has no relationship with his mother as well. She comes around to see her son and grandchild when you're not there. It sounds to me like an absolute win win for everyone.
He should have told you though. But you need to accept based on what you said she is never going to like you but that doesn't have to mean she has no relationship with her son!gc

SleeplessInEngland · 20/01/2023 09:54

We had a big fall out also, due to an argument I’d had with my husband. I sent her some nasty texts.

I'm going to infer from this that you're both as bad as each other.

As for your 'problem', it's nothing of the sort. She gets to see her son and grandchild and you don't have to see her. Why complain?

Forthelast · 20/01/2023 09:58

It's a pity he feels he can't tell you.

The secrecy is the problem.

You need to talk this through with a counsellor - it's quite a big problem.

Gazelda · 20/01/2023 09:59

If he hadn't kept it secret, would you have been ok with him having his mum over to spend time with him and baby while you're out?

You don't like her. She doesn't seem to like you. The less time you spend in each others company try better. But that doesn't mean your DH should feel he can't welcome his mum into his home. Nor does it mean that she is unable to build a loving relationship with her GC.

WhatDoYouWantNow · 20/01/2023 10:06

You "sent her some nasty texts" and then wonder why your relationship with her isn't good. You say she hasn't invited you to hers or asked you to do anything with her. Have you ever invited her to your house? Your husband has got every right to invite his own mother to his own home, by the way. Try apologising for your part in the lack of relationship, and invite her to your house.

WeeOrcadian · 20/01/2023 10:08

You've both played your parts in this. She deserves (unless there is a massive drip feed) to visit her grandchild

I agree that the secrecy isn't the best, and I would understand that that would undermine trust with your DH, but surely that's literally the win-win scenario?

BruceAndNosh · 20/01/2023 10:13

I was totally expecting this to be a reverse as the OP seems so unreasonable.
Nor clarified what constitutes "secretly"