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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law

121 replies

GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 20:05

I have a 12 week old baby. I haven’t had a good relationship with MIL for years - she and I are not close at all. She has a good relationship with her son (my husband), and will often see him when he pops round to see her (without me). She’s never once invited me over or asked me to do any kind of activity with her. During the pregnancy, she didn’t contact me once to see how I was doing. We had a big fall out also, due to an argument I’d had with my husband. I sent her some nasty texts.
Since giving birth, she’s made comments saying she isn’t seeing the baby enough, but due to my non existent and bad relationship with her, I’d never feel like popping in there.
I attend a hobby on a Friday where my husband looks after the baby. I found out that on Fridays she has been coming to my house secretly and seeing the baby. My husband has been inviting her. I am furious and feel like this has massively impacted my trust with my husband. AIBU?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 20/01/2023 10:25

I think you need to accept that you are not going to get along with your MIL. Sounds like your husband has come to a perfectly reasonable arrangement with his mother in terms of when they catch up (i.e. when you are out).

WerkinMum · 20/01/2023 10:32

TBH OP you sound controlling. The fact you've said you want her to work on a relationship with you all as a family implies you don't want her to have a seperate relationship with her son. Your DH and his mum can have whatever relationship they want it doesn't have to be through the prism on his wife.

Where things change is now that you have a baby. I wouldn't be happy with anyone I wasn't on good terms with having secret access to my child. It's damaging for the child to see granny who doesn't like mummy etc. Things need to be resolved if she wants to keep seeing her grandchild and you should never ever be kept in the dark about her coming to your home or seeing your baby.

rainbowstardrops · 20/01/2023 10:40

I would definitely be really cross with the secrecy and I wouldn't particularly want her in my house without my knowledge but it's your husband's house too, so he gets a say.
Like I said, I'd be very cross that he'd arranged all this behind your back.

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 20/01/2023 10:42

Hiding it from you is the problem.
I would be livid
Her seeing baby when you are not around is not good but that's your sons doing

BruceAndNosh · 20/01/2023 10:44

It depends if the OP has said "I don't want MIL to see the baby" and her husband has agreed. Then arranged the secret visits

Legrandetraitor · 20/01/2023 10:45

What were the nasty texts in reference to?

Bettyboop3 · 20/01/2023 10:49

daemonologie · 19/01/2023 20:09

There is no way that someone who wasn't in good term with me would have access to my baby. They'd have to make it right with me beforehand. Your DH has picked a side. I would be livid.

The baby is DHs too though and that is his Mother. Of course he wants her to see her grandchild.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 11:09

OP If what you say about her is true then I wonder where this is going with regard to your relationship with your husband. If he knows what a horror she is why is he letting her come to your house?
I mean... taking the baby to hers would have been slightly better but still wrong.
Your marriage will cave if you don't address this situation properly and by the sound of it she will welcome that

IamnotSethRogan · 20/01/2023 11:23

What nasty texts did you send her and why ? That's the bit that needs clearing up really because so far, apart from the fact that you don't get on, it sounds like you need to apologise to her.

In an ideal world everyone would get on and be a big happy family but that doesn't always happen.

ClockingTime · 20/01/2023 11:24

It's his home, his child and his mother.
You sound like a nightmare.

skeemee · 20/01/2023 11:25

DestinysGrandchild · 19/01/2023 20:16

I agree.

Show quote history

I agree too

ElevenSmiles · 20/01/2023 11:32

I can see why he didn't tell you, who wants to hear nasty, negative shit about their Mother.

Legrandetraitor · 20/01/2023 11:36

It depends though doesn’t it. If your argument with DH was full of mean shit she had said about you then the nasty texts were probably justified! If you were just messaging her like “how did you do such a shit parenting job” that’s less understandable

AdoraBell · 20/01/2023 11:46

Haven’t RTFT but I would skip the hobby next Friday, but not tell your DH. Just wake up and say you don’t feel like going today - in your own words, and then feign surprise when MIL turns up. Kind - DH, you didn’t tell me MIL was visiting us today, it’s lucky I’m home this morning.

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 11:47

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 11:09

OP If what you say about her is true then I wonder where this is going with regard to your relationship with your husband. If he knows what a horror she is why is he letting her come to your house?
I mean... taking the baby to hers would have been slightly better but still wrong.
Your marriage will cave if you don't address this situation properly and by the sound of it she will welcome that

It is not OPs house, it's their house and he has every right to invite his DM there.

OP admits she sent nasty texts, he is most likely caught between a rock and a hard place.

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 11:50

AdoraBell · 20/01/2023 11:46

Haven’t RTFT but I would skip the hobby next Friday, but not tell your DH. Just wake up and say you don’t feel like going today - in your own words, and then feign surprise when MIL turns up. Kind - DH, you didn’t tell me MIL was visiting us today, it’s lucky I’m home this morning.

What would that achieve? It is equally her DHs house and can you imagine if a man forbade his MIL to visit when he was out?

That is stirring up trouble, for no reason than to be difficult!

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 11:52

@dogdaydown
Why don't you read the whole thread instead of cherry picking ? It isn't helpful

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 11:58

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 11:52

@dogdaydown
Why don't you read the whole thread instead of cherry picking ? It isn't helpful

I have read the whole thread, it's clear that OP is unhappy with her MIL, but that doesn't mean her DH is.

As I said he is between a rock and a hard place.

He can still see his mother, he can invite his mother to his home, he can still let his mother see his DC.

All of which he is doing and should continue.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 12:03

No he should not until the situation is sorted out. It looks to me like he is a weak man and choosing his mother over OP.

If the women alienates all her daughters in law then she clearly is the problem here and he should be dealing with it

ClockingTime · 20/01/2023 12:11

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 12:03

No he should not until the situation is sorted out. It looks to me like he is a weak man and choosing his mother over OP.

If the women alienates all her daughters in law then she clearly is the problem here and he should be dealing with it

Nope. Again, it's his home, his child and his mother.
If he wants to invite his own mother to his own home then he's at liberty to do so, regardless of what his wife thinks.
She's not there when his mother visits so there's no problem, apart from his whinging wife.

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 12:12

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 12:03

No he should not until the situation is sorted out. It looks to me like he is a weak man and choosing his mother over OP.

If the women alienates all her daughters in law then she clearly is the problem here and he should be dealing with it

He has a good relationship with his mum, so why should he not continue that?

He is not choosing his mother over OP, he is seeing his mother when OP is out! Not insisting she comes and joins them for Sunday lunch!

Probably stated quiet to avoid all this nonsense.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 12:12

You just want to have the last word here don't you ..LOL Crack on then

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 12:12

ClockingTime · 20/01/2023 12:11

Nope. Again, it's his home, his child and his mother.
If he wants to invite his own mother to his own home then he's at liberty to do so, regardless of what his wife thinks.
She's not there when his mother visits so there's no problem, apart from his whinging wife.

Show quote history

Exactly!

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 12:13

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 12:12

You just want to have the last word here don't you ..LOL Crack on then

Are you 5?

I answered with my thoughts, not allowed because you dictate, you sound like OP, what you say must go.

Percypiglover · 20/01/2023 12:14

To be honest I don't see the issue, you don't get on and doesn't sound like she is the only one at fault for that. It's not just your baby and so why shouldn't your husband see his mum with the baby and means you don't have to.