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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law

121 replies

GingerBiscuit2 · 19/01/2023 20:05

I have a 12 week old baby. I haven’t had a good relationship with MIL for years - she and I are not close at all. She has a good relationship with her son (my husband), and will often see him when he pops round to see her (without me). She’s never once invited me over or asked me to do any kind of activity with her. During the pregnancy, she didn’t contact me once to see how I was doing. We had a big fall out also, due to an argument I’d had with my husband. I sent her some nasty texts.
Since giving birth, she’s made comments saying she isn’t seeing the baby enough, but due to my non existent and bad relationship with her, I’d never feel like popping in there.
I attend a hobby on a Friday where my husband looks after the baby. I found out that on Fridays she has been coming to my house secretly and seeing the baby. My husband has been inviting her. I am furious and feel like this has massively impacted my trust with my husband. AIBU?

OP posts:
OnePerson · 19/01/2023 20:41

It's not just the OPs house.

Abba123 · 19/01/2023 20:44

You are being unreasonable.

Don’t get me wrong, completely understandable and I dare say I’d feel exactly the same, but I’d be being unreasonable too.

Your husband should not have kept it a secret but it’s sad that he felt that he had to.

It’s equally his baby and he seems to have a great relationship with his mum so him wanting them to get on is to be expected really and maybe you should have been the one to suggest the happy compromise.

What I’m noticing is a lot of “She didn’t do this” when everything works both ways.

A solution would be for you to ask your husband to help to mend things between you.

BUT

The baby isn’t going to remember any of this anyway. Even if it continued until the baby started school, as soon as it stops the baby would quickly forget grandma.

Bide your time. Anything can happen between now and then but the only real victim in this is your husband.

Anonymouseposter · 19/01/2023 20:44

Neither of you has made much effort to be friendly in the past so it’s not one sided.If you had very little contact why on earth did you send her nasty messages because you had a row with your husband? I think I would say that she can come over to see the baby sometimes but the secrecy isn’t acceptable. Perhaps keep it to low contact and see how it goes?

Throwncrumbs · 19/01/2023 20:45

daemonologie · 19/01/2023 20:09

There is no way that someone who wasn't in good term with me would have access to my baby. They'd have to make it right with me beforehand. Your DH has picked a side. I would be livid.

It’s her husbands baby too, and his house that presumably he helps pay for. Maybe the husband should stop his wife’s mother seeing the baby then!

WandaWonder · 19/01/2023 20:48

A child gets to see their grandparent, why is that not enough without some point scoring game playing thing?

Freddiefox · 19/01/2023 20:48

Sounds like your husband lied to you because he was worried about your reaction, which is tricky if he can’t feel he can be open with you and vice Versa

MarmaladeCrumpets · 19/01/2023 20:51

I sent her some nasty texts.

Why?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2023 20:59

What exactly has your MIL done that is wrong? Other than an argument with your DH where you sent her nasty texts it sounds like you just don't get on rather than she is nasty.

OnePerson · 19/01/2023 21:03

I'm waiting for the drip.

Topseyt123 · 19/01/2023 21:08

I don't see the issue. Your husband sees his mother (and she sees the baby) while you are not there and your paths do not cross.

There may be a drip feed coming about why you don't want her in your house or near your child.

It's your DH's home and his child too.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 21:12

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2023 20:59

What exactly has your MIL done that is wrong? Other than an argument with your DH where you sent her nasty texts it sounds like you just don't get on rather than she is nasty.

This.

You sent several nasty texts to your MIL. No wonder she doesn't invite you to the house or to meet up. She probably feels that it's safer to keep out of your way.

I don't agree with those who say that a DH should always take his wife's side. Sometimes the wife is plain wrong and there is no requirement at all for him to go NC or not have his mother visit.

It's a sad situation all round, but it seems that your DH is just trying to navigate life as best he can. But he was clearly worried that you were going to kick off, so you're obviously continuing to be unreasonable and not respecting his right to have a normal relationship with his mother.

Geebee12 · 19/01/2023 21:12

BevMarsh · 19/01/2023 20:16

If your dh wants her to see your child then he takes baby to visit her when it's convenient to you both.
I'd be livid she'd secretly been in my home.

It's not just the OP's home though, is it? It's also DP's home and if he wants to invite his mum over when OP isn't around, why shouldn't he?

pelargoniums · 19/01/2023 21:14

Another one struggling to see the issue! With any of it: my MIL has never invited me to an activity either and I couldn’t care less. There’s not really much to ask after in pregnancy either if you’re having a low-risk pregnancy. “How are you, still gestating?” for nine months is pointless. Sounds like she’s not interested in you and you’re not interested in her. (I’m interested in the nasty texts though.)

DH visits her without you so you knew they had a relationship. She also wants a relationship with her grandchild. Good! The more people to love a baby the better.

Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:17

So you want it all your way? YABU

Dacadactyl · 19/01/2023 21:21

You are 100% being unreasonable.

Your husband probably knew you'd be cross and thought it'd be easier to have his mum see baby while you were out.

Doesn't need to be a drama.

Hankunamatata · 19/01/2023 21:21

You don't have a good relationship so why would she invite you over or invite you to an activity.
And you sent her nasty texts.
Surely the easiest solution is for her to see the baby on a Friday.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/01/2023 21:23

Unless there is a massive drip feed you are being unreasonable.

Switch it round... I can just imagine the responses then 🙄

Womencanlift · 19/01/2023 21:28

Of course you are being unreasonable. You both don’t have a relationship with each other. Fair enough it happens a lot with DIL/MIL (well it seems to happen a lot in MN)

But you are the one who sent nasty messages and now you are stopping your DH from seeing his mum with his baby. It’s his baby too so he has a right to decide who the baby sees as well

As a pp said this is a perfect solution. You are not around but your DH sees his mum and your DC builds a relationship with their grandparent

How would you feel if your DH said your mum couldn’t come round?

Quitelikeit · 19/01/2023 21:29

YABU

you have never said that this woman poses a risk to your child or you.

Let your child have the benefit of a grandmother

your husband loves her and you are lucky that you are not pressured to be involved in visits

like it or not your child will benefit from the relationship

Ostagazuzulum · 19/01/2023 21:34

YABU

Your child deserves the opportunity to have an active grandparent. So many don't. This seems like a good solution however is there any opportunity to mediate with MIL and work it out? It'll be much nicer for your baby in. King run if you get on?

blahblah33 · 19/01/2023 21:50

YABU

Imagine if your DH told you you couldn't have your DM round to YOUR home when he wasn't there. That would be called abuse.

Some of us have horrible MIL's even when we didn't send any nasty messages, have been nothing but pleasant to them and we are still grown enough to allow their DH to invite them into his own home. Your situation is the perfect solution if you want to avoid contact with MIL.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 19/01/2023 21:55

harriethoyle · 19/01/2023 20:10

Isn't this actually the perfect solution? You don't have to see her, she sees son and grand baby, thus removing pressure to go at other times.

I agree though that the secrecy would annoy me. Your DH shouldn't have done that.

This

Gagaandgag · 19/01/2023 21:58

I also don’t really have a relationship with my mother in law.

I understand why you feel hurt - If this was me, I would feel upset by the secrecy.
It would have been healthier all round if you or your husband had suggested it. Because like Pp have said, I think it’s a great solution!

Do you still disagree with it now you know? What about it worries you now you know? That she might try and influence your husband negatively towards you?

I think speak to your husband and explain that she can obviously have a relationship with her grandchild but honesty should be a focus of your relationship! You are a team!

saraclara · 19/01/2023 22:25

But one has to consider why OP's DH didn't dare mention it.

If OP was likely to have listened, respected that it's his home and child too, and that he has the right to let his mother visit, presumably he'd have told her.

Gagaandgag · 19/01/2023 22:33

Yes definitely