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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take DDs secret second phone away?

114 replies

PineappleRightsideup · 19/01/2023 19:03

Name changed so as to try not to give DD something else to complain about 😁

Would really appreciate any advice. DD is 14, since she turned 12 she's been difficult, argumentative and generally unpleasant. Despite this I have tried to stay positive and set firm rules. One non negotiable rule is that they have family link on their phones and phones (and other screens) are handed in at bedtime and not kept in rooms over night.

DD have been trying to avoid this rule for ages, she pretends to be asleep or hides her phone and says she can't find it etc. Last night she hadn't handed in so I went to get it and found she has another phone. I asked her about it today and apparently she bought it because she doesn't think she should have to had her phone in at nights as none of her friends do. She also thinks she should be able to have whatever apps she wants and have no restrictions because she's 14.

I could go on with everything DD currently dislikes but basically it's everything except her three friends. She's not well behaved at school either unfortunately and is currently refusing to do PE or wear shoes and doesn't care if she gets detentions.

Oh so not to drip feed, I feel I have to be a little bit careful as I'm worried she will move in with her biological father otherwise. He was extremely abusive to me but she has never seen that side of him and I have never wanted to tell her as they have a good relationship.

I feel a bit stuck at the moment.

Anyway part of me is hoping IABU and I should give the new phone back as it would be easier, but I don't think I am...

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 19/01/2023 19:08

Is Family Link location tracking or can you see other stuff ? Did you know that you can fake your location ? I am at home right now but if I put my phone in airplane mode and went out with it, the app would show my location at home.

What apps has she asked for that you don't approve of ?

Is there an age when she can expect the rules to be relaxed ?

What I'm trying to say is that is there any way to negotiate some of the finer detail ?

byebye2022 · 19/01/2023 19:15

No your her parent, she broke the rules. How did she get the money for another phone?
Take it away, don't give it back and keep your boundaries

BearPunter · 19/01/2023 19:18

Where did she get the money for the extra phone from? I think that for me would be the massive issue here for me.

As for the rest, she's 14, if you want her to have a tracking app on her phone then she needs to suck that up - what is it tracking? If you (genuinely) only use it when you can't get hold of her/in emergencies then does she understand that? If you are following her every move then maybe you need to step back a little and give her a bit more responsibility as long as she meets certain guidelines (like always answering texts/calls from you?).

She needs to start navigating the world and taking responsibility for her own safety/health and she needs your support with that rather than taking matters into her own hands. Can you compromise over the phone in the evenings/nights? Can she have it in her room at weekends/holidays to see how she manages it?

I'd really be wary though that she has a second phone - the level of deceit in that is concerning and not a 'normal' reaction to a 14 year old wanting to go on their phone overnight... just be careful that someone isn't facilitating that for her.

Original poster
PineappleRightsideup · 19/01/2023 19:18

byebye2022 · 19/01/2023 19:15

No your her parent, she broke the rules. How did she get the money for another phone?
Take it away, don't give it back and keep your boundaries

This is kind of how I feel at the moment, because it's just another rule she has deliberately decided to ignore and I feel the school have partly given up on bothering about her and that I shouldn't. Surely if I give in I'm kind of saying do what you want then...

OP posts:
Bigweekend · 19/01/2023 19:19

2nd phone coupled with a change in behaviour can be a warning sign of county lines or CSE.

How did she pay for the phone? Does she have other unexplained valuables or cash?

Penguinsista · 19/01/2023 19:20

Yes I immediately thought County Lines too.

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/01/2023 19:21

I'd be worried. What is the other phone for? Did she buy it herself? If not, who bought it for her?

I would take it.

thefemaleJoshLyman · 19/01/2023 19:21

Yes, second phone is a huge red flag for me too. Please tread carefully OP, you need to find out how she has managed to get hold of it.

PumpkinDart · 19/01/2023 19:21

@Bigweekend that was my first thought too.

Original poster
PineappleRightsideup · 19/01/2023 19:22

BearPunter · 19/01/2023 19:18

Where did she get the money for the extra phone from? I think that for me would be the massive issue here for me.

As for the rest, she's 14, if you want her to have a tracking app on her phone then she needs to suck that up - what is it tracking? If you (genuinely) only use it when you can't get hold of her/in emergencies then does she understand that? If you are following her every move then maybe you need to step back a little and give her a bit more responsibility as long as she meets certain guidelines (like always answering texts/calls from you?).

She needs to start navigating the world and taking responsibility for her own safety/health and she needs your support with that rather than taking matters into her own hands. Can you compromise over the phone in the evenings/nights? Can she have it in her room at weekends/holidays to see how she manages it?

I'd really be wary though that she has a second phone - the level of deceit in that is concerning and not a 'normal' reaction to a 14 year old wanting to go on their phone overnight... just be careful that someone isn't facilitating that for her.

She gets money from her biological dad but to be honest if she could steal a phone she probably would! She has been caught shoplifting in the past, which is so frustrating because she does have money!

We tried letting all the kids have their phones in their rooms over the Christmas holidays and she barely got up before 2pm most days and was really unpleasant when she did - as for Christmas day, she refused to come out of her room for most of it because she was in a bad mood...

Family link does let you track (if location is on) but I don't really use that. I do monitor apps though, still the only one I have said no to is TikTok, oh and there was a fan fiction one which was a bit soft porny in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
PineappleRightsideup · 19/01/2023 19:26

Thanks everyone else, won't quote you all directly as will be massive. I hadn't considered County lines at all but will now. She is a liar and does steal and genuinely seems quite callous at the moment so it's certainly not beyond her sadly. I will double check she was telling the truth when she said she brought it too. Thank you

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 19/01/2023 19:26

I’m not an expert but surely you need to tell her some form of the truth about her dad? Maybe knowing the truth will change the narrative in her head and help understand why you broke up.

Also maybe she just feels you don’t trust her so is lashing out - I don’t know the answer but is surveilling her phone the right thing to do? She can always just switch it off.

I’d also be worried about someone giving her the phone and who that may be.

Lialou · 19/01/2023 19:26

It sounds like a middle ground might be needed. It doesn't sound like you're happy for her to be a teen. So many teens sleep in if they don't have to be anywhere, it's not uncommon. Letting her have the phone to a point might be better than removing everything from her. Only you know your DD though and what works best for you.

PeekAtYou · 19/01/2023 19:27

Ok you're not unreasonable. You tried relaxing the rules and ages demonstrated why they are needed.

How often is she at her dad's?

LIZS · 19/01/2023 19:27

Who took the phone contract out for her ?

JanglyBeads · 19/01/2023 19:27

How much contact does she have with dad? How old was she when you split and what has she witnessed directly (not that any of that was your fault of course)?

Read "When Dad Hurts Mom" by Lundy Bancroft.

Try Therapeutic Parenting.

JanglyBeads · 19/01/2023 19:30

Sorry just re read the OP and see you haven't told her anything. Read the Lundy book it talks about how to navigate this difficult path.

Is the contact court ordered?

twohomesneeded · 19/01/2023 19:35

When friends have told me about their children behaving this way, the background is one of trauma. Is DD getting any support to talk through why she is choosing to act this way?

Teens being on mobiles til late and staying in bed til 2pm can still be with normal parameters but the lying, stealing, mood swings and deception over a 2nd mobile is a massive concern. Are you able to explain to her that your actions are because you are worried for her? That good parents don't let their teens do whatever they want when they want? She may feel at 14 she's in control (or wants control) but sadly some people the world will exploit her just because of her age.

Mariposista · 19/01/2023 19:37

Gosh no, you stick to your guns mum. Little madam needs to grow up and learn who is boss, and have a little respect for authority.

chocolateisavegetable · 19/01/2023 19:48

It might be worth talking to the school and see if they can give you some advice and support

watchfulwishes · 19/01/2023 19:53

You need to tell her the truth about her dad, to some extent - I get you don't want to give all the details but you do have to be honest with kids.

You can confiscate both her phones. You have to parent her - you can't not parent her in case she goes to her dad's.

JanglyBeads · 19/01/2023 20:01

Are school not helpful? Do they know her background?

AdamRyan · 19/01/2023 20:08

It's a "trap phone" she will be using it on WiFi to get round your bedtime and family link restrictions.

When I caught my DS doing this I bought a router where you could see what devices were connected and block ones you didn't know. And also you could set up blacklists of websites and "allowed" times. He hated it but it stopped the trap phone nonsense

www.tp-link.com/uk/support/faq/1531/

user143677433 · 19/01/2023 20:09

It's keeping firm boundaries that gives her stability and a feeling of safety. Often kids will (subconsciously) push boundaries just for the reassurance of knowing they will be enforced. Stick to your guns.

LolaSmiles · 19/01/2023 20:12

2nd phone coupled with a change in behaviour can be a warning sign of county lines or CSE.

That would be my concern as well.

She needs to hear the truth about her dad in an age appropriate way, and OP might need to reach out to the school safeguarding lead about the second phone or to see what support there might be locally for children who are potentially at risk of county lines/cse.