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Original poster

Fed up of the comments about my babies skin colour...

126 replies

pinkrose1994 · 19/01/2023 13:36

I am mixed race, and my baby is also obviously mixed. He has a beautiful skin tone, olive and lovely curly hair. I'm slightly darker with afrohair. But since having him, it seems to be all everybody mentions.

Before he was born, people would make comments like 'I wonder how dark he'll be?'

I've been asked if 'I'm worried about his skin colour?'

I've had 'it's a good job his hair isn't as Afro as yours'.

And today I joined a new toddler group and one girl just came straight over to me and said 'oh a quarter cast baby'. Which I said was quite an outdated term as 'cast' actually means 'pure' in Latin. Plus stop talking about my son like he's an object not a person!

I'm getting so upset that everyone is just focusing on our colour all the time. I've never really noticed all the comments until I've had my boy, and now it's bothering me a lot. Or am I just making myself worked up for no reason?

My husband is also shocked by how many comments are being made!

:-( x

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 19/01/2023 13:40

mixed race mother with mixed race children here! 🙋🏽‍♀️

There comes a point where sadly all you can do is let it go. People are curious, people are very very clumsy. It’s tiring at first, but now I secretly think they’re using it as an icebreaker - a kind of “ah let me bond over this child”.

those who express “concern” over the skin colour or hair can “get tae fuck” as our friends across the border say.

Flaunch · 19/01/2023 13:41

The women in the nursery was hideously rude and I’m sorry you had to hear her outdated and ignorant terminology!

That said - I’m white but with a dark olive Mediterranean complexion and my husband is your typical pasty blue-red Northern European and we had endless comments about who our kids took after. I think it’s a fairly normal topic of conversation.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 19/01/2023 13:41

That sounds really awful. Sadly I don't have any practical advice other than to keep bringing people up on it each time.

What do you even say to "it's a good job his hair isn't afro like yours" why is that a good thing? Wtf is wrong with afro hair?

I suppose my only advice would be to say "that's racist" every time someone made a comment like that. I certainly wouldn't be polite about it either.

SpinningFloppa · 19/01/2023 13:42

I’m mixed race and my children’s father is black and I have 4 children never had a single comment like that, maybe it’s where you live? I live in London.

xogossipgirlxo · 19/01/2023 13:43

It would bother me, so no wonder you're fed up. "How dark your baby will be" WTF 😑

Padamae · 19/01/2023 13:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 19/01/2023 13:50

The woman at the group sounds awful. Who even thinks that way, let alone says it out loud?!

Having said that, I do think people like to talk about who babies look like. What else is there to say about babies, really? My DD has (beautiful) red hair and every. single. person. comments on it. They want to know where it comes from as neither me or DH are red heads. They also often make links to her being “fiery” (she’s a BABY. It makes my eyes roll out of my head). It’s tedious but reasonably harmless (although I believe originally rooted in racism, even though I don’t believe the people asking are being racist). We get similar with our eldest whose hair is curly.

Original poster
pinkrose1994 · 19/01/2023 13:54

SavoirFlair · 19/01/2023 13:40

mixed race mother with mixed race children here! 🙋🏽‍♀️

There comes a point where sadly all you can do is let it go. People are curious, people are very very clumsy. It’s tiring at first, but now I secretly think they’re using it as an icebreaker - a kind of “ah let me bond over this child”.

those who express “concern” over the skin colour or hair can “get tae fuck” as our friends across the border say.

You're so right. I've let things go all my life but now I've had him, I'm getting more worked up haha!

I know a lot of comments don't come from a malicious place, it definitely does get tiring though x

OP posts:
Pleasepleasepleaseno · 19/01/2023 14:08

Same here OP. I'm mixed, my DH is white and there were lots of comments when I was pregnant too. Especially from my inlaws who seemed weirdly excited that they GC might have a "nice tan"!
Since DC have been born, they both look mostly white, one even has straight hair and I've had comments like "oh they're yours?"
It's rude and annoying but unless it's said with malice I think it's easier to just try and let it go. (Easier said than done sometimes though)

Pleasepleasepleaseno · 19/01/2023 14:12

I do think it usually (in my case at least) isn't meant with any harm. I know when my mum was pregnant my (white side) grandparents were really hoping I wouldn't be obviously black. The first time they told me that I was massively shocked because they have been the best grandparents but once they explained that it was because they were worried that the "darker" I was the more difficult my life was likely to be - this was the 80s after all - I sort of got what they were (clumsily) saying.

CharChar91 · 19/01/2023 14:26

Can you respond in a calm way to make them explain themselves? Usually they then realise what they've said and almost call themselves out save you having to! For example, just asking them something along the lines of 'what do you mean by that?' or 'how so?'. Look really intrigued as you ask.

TrollMunter · 19/01/2023 14:29

Honestly I think most mums at baby groups are knackered and lonely. This probably makes for a volatile situation when it’s probably not meant intentionally. I get you’re annoyed though. I have something similar to deal with. Not skin colour. It’s tiring.

SalviaOfficinalis · 19/01/2023 14:32

Have a few stock lines prepared like “oh, that’s an odd thing to say”.

I like that one because it’s not super rude but still bats it back to them. I hate it when I just smile along because it makes it seem like an acceptable comment and then I wish I’d thought of something to say.

euff · 19/01/2023 14:37

Most of it may be awkward and unintentional ways of connecting but 'quarter caste'! Wow. Having been called a half caste as a kid I'm hoping yours doesn't get that when old enough to ask what it means. Do you live somewhere not very diverse?

Sagcbots · 19/01/2023 14:40

My DM is from SE Asia, my DF is white, blonde hair, blue eyes. I came out white. She would get asked if she was the nanny. If it comes up in conversation that I’m mixed race, I often get wow you really don’t look it. I’m never sure what to say to that. Sorry I don’t look how you expect me to look?

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about being annoyed. The comments might not come from a bad place but they’re unnecessary

Duchess379 · 19/01/2023 14:45

I'm so sorry people's comments are insensitive & downright rude. What part of the country are you in? 💕

lisalash · 19/01/2023 14:52

@Padamae nothing to do with covid. People have always been arseholes.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2023 14:58

I thought you were going to say people commenting on how beautiful your baby's skin is, because those are normally the comments I hear people make to other people / friends experiences / my thoughts but that woman was EXCEPTIONALLY rude.

Would a hard stare and a "pardon?", "sorry, you've just called my baby what?", "do you understand how rude that is?" type comment work?

Pleasepleasepleaseno · 19/01/2023 15:12

Jeez I actually missed that "quarter caste" comment. WTF?? yeah I'd have been annoyed by that one as well. What is wrong with some people?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/01/2023 15:16

That's shit. My dd is mixed race but we haven't had loads of stupid comments. She does get stupid questions about her ethnicity, though, because people can't quite place her and obviously don't know which "box" to put her in. It doesn't seem to bother her but I honestly don't know why anyone thinks they have the right to comment.

Original poster
pinkrose1994 · 19/01/2023 15:33

euff · 19/01/2023 14:37

Most of it may be awkward and unintentional ways of connecting but 'quarter caste'! Wow. Having been called a half caste as a kid I'm hoping yours doesn't get that when old enough to ask what it means. Do you live somewhere not very diverse?

Yes I live in a very rural place / countryside. I was the only mixed race person in my school growing up! It's changed a bit now but still not very diverse at all.

OP posts:
Oldandcobwebby · 19/01/2023 15:36

I have a simple comment that I use when I see a person's baby. It goes along the lines of "What a BEAUTIFUL baby - you must be SO proud". That's all anybody needs to do. If everybody did the same, we would all be so much happier. It's not hard, even for a middle aged bloke like me. What the hell is the matter with people?

MaverickGooseGoose · 19/01/2023 16:07

People talk shit about babies just to have some interaction. Not the same at all but I've got twins the amount of people that asked if they were itv, c section, natural birth whatever the fuck that means, breastfed royally fucked me off. Just ignore and care on.

Ihearticecream · 19/01/2023 16:17

These people are insensitive dicks!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP!
Anyone asking nicely about your heritage and if you WANT to share that information fine.
But the only acceptable comments about babies is how beautiful they are!!
People do really seem to have lost all sense!

Thinkbiglittleone · 19/01/2023 17:25

Some people are just not very bright, some are clumsy and some are just vile.

I completely understand that now you have your child you don't want to just keep letting it go, and don't. If people are 'uneducated" ( giving them credit as not racist) then keep pulling them up and educating them. It will be good for your child as they grow to see you educating people on this, as you don't want them growing up "putting up with it" as well.

If people are genuine and interested then that's on you how much you tell them, but definitely pull them on up where needed.