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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my exH to rent rather than buy?

199 replies

PopitPop · 19/01/2023 08:43

Asking for your viewpoints on the morality of this - I know I need legal advice.

H is useless, mean, doesn't help, I've tried again and again to talk and been ignored or laughed at. It's over for me. He won't accept it but I'm cracking on working out how it will work.

We have been married 6 years.
We own a home worth £600k.
£280k of this is equity
I put in ALL this equity (from savings, inheritance, a sale of a flat before I met him)
I earn £75k
He earns £30k.

I work full time and also do all the housework and childcare. I am the higher earner but also do most of everything. He is pretty hands off. He likes video games more than his job/family/friends.

Anyway - I spoke to a solicitor who said that he will get a much bigger % of that equity because he can't afford to buy a house round here on £30k without taking a huge % of that equity.

I want H to live in a home that is suitable for our 3 young DC to go stay and I want to be fair.

But is it really fair that he takes say 75% plus of the equity to allow him to buy somewhere?

He chose a job that pays £30k. He quit his high paid job. He chose to have no savings. He can afford to rent somewhere suitable but for him to buy somewhere with 3 beds - he would need to take a huge % of that equity. I would need to sell the home. I've worked bloody hard and have saved, worked overtime, pushed for promotion etc (and been fortunate to get an inheritance from a relative I know).

Do the settlements always look at what someone can BUY?

AIBU to think that he should have enough money to rent somewhere but shouldnt expect to be given enough money to buy somewhere?

Pls don't feel sorry for him. I can't tell you how awful he's been over the last 2 years.

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 19/01/2023 08:45

I’d get another opinion. Seems odd to me that his ability to buy a home is a consideration, especially if you can show his previous earning potential

MichaelAndEagle · 19/01/2023 08:47

That is normally the way it works yes.

Can2022getanyworse · 19/01/2023 08:50

Your marriage is short-ish. I'd get a second opinion, especially if you can prove to the penny your share of the hose deposit.

Flatandhappy · 19/01/2023 08:50

I find that legal advice truly bizarre tbh but I am in Aus. I would assume the same principles of identifying assets, considering the contributions made by both parties (both monetary and in kind), looking at the future needs of both parties and ensuring “fairness” would apply. I would definitely get a second opinion.

silentpool · 19/01/2023 08:53

I suppose you didn't ring fence your deposit? Yes, in that case, you might stand to lose a good chunk of it. But I don't think the court expects both parties to be able to buy - they do expect them to both be self supporting.

I would get a very good lawyer, if I were you. It will be money well spent, it was in my case.

Eyesopenwideawake · 19/01/2023 08:55

Talk to another solicitor.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/01/2023 08:56

buying is gong to be cheaper than renting, though

Everybodywants · 19/01/2023 08:57

What you have been told is correct. Both parties housing needs will need to be met and there is enough in the pot to house you both with some sort of purchase so this will be expected. What is the min price of a 3 bed house in your area? Working on the basis he can get a max mortgage of £120k ish he will then need a minimum of the equity to facilitate that purchase. You'll save money if you can try to agree in mediation rather than court.

What about pensions? These are often an even larger asset than the house.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2023 08:57

Is he going to try to declare himself the primary cared for the children?

LaSolitudine · 19/01/2023 09:06

I would get a second legal opinion. Maybe your solicitor is outlining the worst case scenario.

Did you protect your deposit in any way (e.g. is the house held as Tenants in Common rather than Joint Tenants)?

billy1966 · 19/01/2023 09:08

Can2022getanyworse · 19/01/2023 08:50

Your marriage is short-ish. I'd get a second opinion, especially if you can prove to the penny your share of the hose deposit.

This.

Particularly as he has deliberately chosen to work for less.

Dig out your paperwork and pay for a rottweiler for a solicitor.

Get recommendations.

Original poster
PopitPop · 19/01/2023 09:15

I didn't ring-fence my deposit. I didn't know you could do that. I'm an idiot. My solicitor never said anything about that but he did say to me when I told him the £280k was coming from me whether I'd fully understood that the house would be a joint asset from this point on but he didn't recommend or suggest any alternative set ups that wpudk have protected me more. I was pregnant by then and that felt like a far bigger thing. I'd decided to have kids with the guy. I didn't have any doubt. I'm a fucking fool.

I'll get a 2nd opinion

Am I being harsh or unfair to argue he doesn't need to buy somewhere?

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 19/01/2023 09:19

Am I being harsh or unfair to argue he doesn't need to buy somewhere?

I don't think that you are, no. If he wants to buy, he should go back to a higher earning job.

Reugny · 19/01/2023 09:22

Am I being harsh or unfair to argue he doesn't need to buy somewhere?

Yes unfortunately.

If the roles were reverse you would be given a higher percentage of the equity.

Also while you were married for 6 years they look at how long you were together in total. So if you were a couple for say 5 years before that, then your relationship was 11 years.

Even then because you have children and they need to be housed properly with both of you it complicates things.

I have a few female acquaintances who have had to give their ex-husband money due as their husband was the much lower earner. One ex-husband got the house and its contents instead of part of a final salary pension, so the couple could have a clean break.

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 09:23

Is he the main cater for the children? Why did he leave his well-paid job?

You could make a case for a more favourable split but the reality is the starting point is 50/50 and the higher earner usually has to take less to provide for the lower. However the lower earner is usually the main child carer so this is not a ‘standard’ situation.

Reugny · 19/01/2023 09:23

I didn't ring-fence my deposit. I didn't know you could do that. I'm an idiot.

You aren't an idiot.

Ring-fencing deposits when you are getting married in England is difficult.

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 09:25

@Reugny is it? I thought it was quite straightforward if owned as tenants in common rather than joint tenants…

Oopswediditagain2023 · 19/01/2023 09:25

So I know someone this happened to (a male) but similar situation whereby he'd always worked, plus done all the household and domestic jobs and sorted childcare etc when the kids were ill or off school, whilst his partner had jacked in a reasonably well paid job to work part time. Whether she could "afford a house", plus other lifestyle things, was taken into account but they'd been married a lot longer, about 15 years.
I'd get a second opinion - my cousin who is a divorce lawyer always reminds me that the length of marriage is taken into account with these things!

29052022J · 19/01/2023 09:29

When I bought a house with my partner I put in a greater deposit and some money from my parent. I paid around £100 for a declaration/deed of trust which is to protect the money I put in. We are not married and I don’t plan to be but we also have a child. I’m a pretty realistic person and the reason I did this because I’m not a high earner I wanted to ensure my assets for the future. This declaration also works with marriage and stops your money from being joint. Unfortunately similar situations happen to men all the time. I’m sorry to hear that this is happening to you, it’s rubbish when someone won’t pull their weight.

Reugny · 19/01/2023 09:30

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 09:25

@Reugny is it? I thought it was quite straightforward if owned as tenants in common rather than joint tenants…

Nope.

Assets in a marriage are joint regardless of who owns them.

Inheritance depending on the timing of when it was received and what it is used for, can be considered differently.

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 09:31

@Reugny

thank you for clarifying!

Reugny · 19/01/2023 09:34

29052022J · 19/01/2023 09:29

When I bought a house with my partner I put in a greater deposit and some money from my parent. I paid around £100 for a declaration/deed of trust which is to protect the money I put in. We are not married and I don’t plan to be but we also have a child. I’m a pretty realistic person and the reason I did this because I’m not a high earner I wanted to ensure my assets for the future. This declaration also works with marriage and stops your money from being joint. Unfortunately similar situations happen to men all the time. I’m sorry to hear that this is happening to you, it’s rubbish when someone won’t pull their weight.

I was about to mention trusts.

However as you aren't married/in a civil partnership your partner has no claim to your assets if you split up.

Aprilx · 19/01/2023 09:40

PopitPop · 19/01/2023 09:15

I didn't ring-fence my deposit. I didn't know you could do that. I'm an idiot. My solicitor never said anything about that but he did say to me when I told him the £280k was coming from me whether I'd fully understood that the house would be a joint asset from this point on but he didn't recommend or suggest any alternative set ups that wpudk have protected me more. I was pregnant by then and that felt like a far bigger thing. I'd decided to have kids with the guy. I didn't have any doubt. I'm a fucking fool.

I'll get a 2nd opinion

Am I being harsh or unfair to argue he doesn't need to buy somewhere?

You couldn’t have ring fenced your deposit within a marriage, the assets are joint marital assets that now need to be divided. Ring fencing a deposit would have been something to do if you were not married and buying together.

I actually think you are being unfair in expecting him to rent yes. He currently (part) owns a house, of course he would want to continue to own a house, same as you do I presume. Nevertheless I would get a second opinion anyway.

When it comes to the split of marital assets, a short marriage should result in assets being restored largely as they were contributed. However a short marriage is usually considered to be under five years, so you are only just over that, but if you were together for a number of years before getting married, that would be taken into consideration.

Mirabai · 19/01/2023 09:49

PopitPop · 19/01/2023 09:15

I didn't ring-fence my deposit. I didn't know you could do that. I'm an idiot. My solicitor never said anything about that but he did say to me when I told him the £280k was coming from me whether I'd fully understood that the house would be a joint asset from this point on but he didn't recommend or suggest any alternative set ups that wpudk have protected me more. I was pregnant by then and that felt like a far bigger thing. I'd decided to have kids with the guy. I didn't have any doubt. I'm a fucking fool.

I'll get a 2nd opinion

Am I being harsh or unfair to argue he doesn't need to buy somewhere?

The solicitor did their due diligence in pointing out that it became a joint asset and unfortunately at the time you didn’t explore further the implications and what could be done to mitigate it (eg not getting married).

You just need to be philosophical that it’s better for your kids to have a stable home with their father than not.

Original poster
PopitPop · 19/01/2023 10:15

He left his higher paying job for MH reasons and because he wanted to be around for the kids more. Neither of those things have happened. He uses his new spare time to play video games.

If I look at the £££ - if he could get a mortgage for £100k, then he would need at least £220k of that equity to buy somewhere to house 3 kids that was close to school and even then it would be a big challenge. I would then use £60k plus a big mortgage to get somewhere similar. There is enough in the pot that if he got a much bigger split we could both afford small homes near the school I guess.

I just don't know if I can stomach that. Handing over £200k of my savings and family money to someone who sits around in a dressing gown playing video games with teenagers on a headset and ignores his own children.

Fuck. Every outcome feels horrendous

OP posts: