To expect my exH to rent rather than buy?

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Asking for your viewpoints on the morality of this - I know I need legal advice.

H is useless, mean, doesn't help, I've tried again and again to talk and been ignored or laughed at. It's over for me. He won't accept it but I'm cracking on working out how it will work.

We have been married 6 years.
We own a home worth £600k.
£280k of this is equity
I put in ALL this equity (from savings, inheritance, a sale of a flat before I met him)
I earn £75k
He earns £30k.

I work full time and also do all the housework and childcare. I am the higher earner but also do most of everything. He is pretty hands off. He likes video games more than his job/family/friends.

Anyway - I spoke to a solicitor who said that he will get a much bigger % of that equity because he can't afford to buy a house round here on £30k without taking a huge % of that equity.

I want H to live in a home that is suitable for our 3 young DC to go stay and I want to be fair.

But is it really fair that he takes say 75% plus of the equity to allow him to buy somewhere?

He chose a job that pays £30k. He quit his high paid job. He chose to have no savings. He can afford to rent somewhere suitable but for him to buy somewhere with 3 beds - he would need to take a huge % of that equity. I would need to sell the home. I've worked bloody hard and have saved, worked overtime, pushed for promotion etc (and been fortunate to get an inheritance from a relative I know).

Do the settlements always look at what someone can BUY?

AIBU to think that he should have enough money to rent somewhere but shouldnt expect to be given enough money to buy somewhere?

Pls don't feel sorry for him. I can't tell you how awful he's been over the last 2 years.

I reckon if you offered to just hand him 50k to leave then he'd take it. D9es he even have the resources/motivation to take you to court? He'll snap up your 50k and probably quit his job.

Tell him he can see the kids as much as he wants. He'll probably say a day every other week at his mums or something equally pathetic by the sounds of him.

You need to make sure he isn’t setting himself up for being the resident parent. Also check out his pension. If it’s much larger than yours it’s a good bartering tool.

Whatever the outcome financially, you are better off ending this. Your earnings will continue to exceed his, your savings will recover and you won't be stuck with a useless negative drain in your face all the time.

It's worth bucketloads of cash if it helps manoeuvre a deal out of court that the H finds attractive enough to settle for.

Given that this H actively avoids his own children & would rather sit gaming in headphones than interact with them, he might prefer a lump sum & non-resident status. OP won't know that until she's in a position to start making offers, & a barrage of documented evidence of this might give any lawyer the H hires pause.

None of us can say what it's worth, because we don't know what the H wants. He might want to walk away with no parenting responsibilities, or just Disney Dad input.

Yes, in my own divorce.

How would he respond to you bluffing him with the offer of him having custody of the children, you leaving him.in the house, remortgaging to get a deposit for a new property for you? It doesn't sound like he would want the children or be able to look after them. This offer might make him reconsider attempting to get so much of the equity. Also, I was under the impression that until the children were 18+ that the parental home need not be sold, the partner who leaves can sort out their own accommodation.

No every ex-spouse/other separated parent is clueless and is surrounded by clueless people who are penniless.

Court prefers a clean break now.

I'm sure glad to know some random on mumsnet knows exactly what every court does.

Would you consider bluffing ok on the part of the male partner ?

Who cares about him. The advice on this thread is for OP.

Her stbx is free to get his own advice.

just as a word of warning, I think sometimes people get a bit rose tinted when actual divorce is imminent and you might find he suddenly decides he wants to be a super involved Dad and fights for custody. Add in that people will egg him on so that you aren’t “keeping him from his kids” .

he suddenly decides he wants to be a super involved Dad and fights for custody

Usually because somebody has told him he doesn't have to pay maintenance if it's 50/50, not because of rose-tinted specs.

I’m in the process of getting divorced and as the full time carer, lower paid spouse (was working part-time / ex higher earner) I am expected to maximise my earnings asap so be able to fully support myself and the children.

If he has been in a decent job before, why is he not expected to fully maximise his earnings and work more? Sorry I’ve you’ve said and I missed this!

If he worked more, could get a higher mortgage and would need less equity.

Surely totally unfair that he is sitting around playing video games and working part-time when you’re working full time and the full time cater of the children? That’s madness.

Can you stay in family home and buy him out? Surely he doesn’t need to buy a 3 bedroom house straight away? Perhaps it all depends on how often he will have the children etc. I have 4 children and will have to buy a 3 bedroom property and for them to share bedrooms. The children have to have somewhere to live but I’m sure there could be an argument to say it doesn’t have to be a 3 bedroom house especially if he isn’t the main cater and not willing to work?

*cater not cater!

FFS - Carer!

@LDA123 Good luck with the divorce! Hope it's not too painful

I didn't know they could say he had to increase his earnings. He wasn't ever a top earner or anything. Public sector. He left his good full time job for part time more junior job. For mental health reasons and to be at home with the kids more and because I agreed to it (on basis that he would do % of house and kids). He could and would say he took a junior part time role for health reasons. Also I'm not sure he would get a more senior role now as he's v minimum effort at work and I get the impression they'd get rid of him if they could.

I worry he can play the modern man card.

The kids could share rooms. He doesn't need a 3 bed house. But I imagine the argument is we should both have equal homes if custody split which I guess is right. I obviously want the kids to be comfortable

OP, I can't offer any legal advice (I don't live in the UK), but I just want to wish you all the best. Yes, the legal bit is a headache, but that will be sorted eventually, and after that he can fuck off and have no further claim to the fruits of your hard work. He will sooner or later find another woman to look after him (his sort always do). However the split works out (and yes, you may need to compromise more than is truly fair), you have already claimed a happier future for you and your children. All the best to you.

Oh my god. Fuck it. No amount of financial pain is worse than putting up with this shit.

Just settled down to watch Stacy Solomon tidy programme as some silly TV at end of the day and he said "the reason our house is messy is because you're a messy fucking cow"

I literally do everything. He puts the bin out and tells me he's done it each week like he's won a fucking Nobel prize.

He is such a prick. How did I end up with this guy? I can't even remember the good bits about him anymore.

Onwards and upwards!!!

Thank you @MeanWeedratStew thts reassuring.... I just hope what you say about a happier life is true for the kids at well as for me, I suspect right now probably not.

I know I am late to the thread, but I agree with everyone else saying to get a really good lawyer. Plus, I don't know how it works in the UK, but in the USA it goes bad against people if they reduce their earning drastically in the year or so before a divorce without a proven valid reason. So, if he is claiming MH, but hasn't actually been doing anything about it, then that won't look good for him. And while it is hard to document and prove who watches and takes care of the children and household more often, there are questions that can be asked of both and not being able to answer or giving a silly answer also would not look good for him. I would say to start keeping a household and childcare journal. Just write down when you do stuff. If the kid are old enough, they may be asked who does what with them. If he were taking care of the kids and household I would be 100% on his side, but it doesn't seem like that is what is happening.

Can he really get a mortgage on 30k though or is it just a cash grab?