To expect my exH to rent rather than buy?

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Asking for your viewpoints on the morality of this - I know I need legal advice.

H is useless, mean, doesn't help, I've tried again and again to talk and been ignored or laughed at. It's over for me. He won't accept it but I'm cracking on working out how it will work.

We have been married 6 years.
We own a home worth £600k.
£280k of this is equity
I put in ALL this equity (from savings, inheritance, a sale of a flat before I met him)
I earn £75k
He earns £30k.

I work full time and also do all the housework and childcare. I am the higher earner but also do most of everything. He is pretty hands off. He likes video games more than his job/family/friends.

Anyway - I spoke to a solicitor who said that he will get a much bigger % of that equity because he can't afford to buy a house round here on £30k without taking a huge % of that equity.

I want H to live in a home that is suitable for our 3 young DC to go stay and I want to be fair.

But is it really fair that he takes say 75% plus of the equity to allow him to buy somewhere?

He chose a job that pays £30k. He quit his high paid job. He chose to have no savings. He can afford to rent somewhere suitable but for him to buy somewhere with 3 beds - he would need to take a huge % of that equity. I would need to sell the home. I've worked bloody hard and have saved, worked overtime, pushed for promotion etc (and been fortunate to get an inheritance from a relative I know).

Do the settlements always look at what someone can BUY?

AIBU to think that he should have enough money to rent somewhere but shouldnt expect to be given enough money to buy somewhere?

Pls don't feel sorry for him. I can't tell you how awful he's been over the last 2 years.

Time living together before marriage is often added on.

Op I'm sure your lawyer is competent BUT in your situation you need to reframe this 3 ways:

1. Think of any handing over of cash as an investment to get rid of him.

1. Evidence. Paperwork. Papertrails. Proof. You've made bold claims here about doing all of the earning (you'll have proof of inheritance and income, great). But doing all caring, do you have proof - witnesses such as nanny etc, text messages, marriage counseling notes, anything to corroborate? What about him purposefully stepping down in income/ work which never happened? Get proof that this was a decision, earning potential based on his highest role/payslips etc, get it documented. Finally, not taking care of children's needs while gaming - you need evidence that he's being neglectful. Otherwise it's just your word in a divorce where people have strong incentives to lie.

1. The biggest one; you need an aggressive lawyer. You don't need advice and options from a wallflower, you need a lawyer that's used to dealing with MEN in your situation. Get a much more aggressive one who'll work to find the route to the outcome you want. This one is really important and will help you figure out what's your priority.. is it protection for your pension? Recouping the inheritance? Ensuring that the kids don't get dumped with him neglecting them half the time? Something else? What does a win look like to you? That's how you need to position this to your (much more) aggressive legal team.

By all means get a second opinion but I think the advice you’ve been given sounds correct. The starting point now is that the house is a joint asset regardless of how it was purchased. Also I think a court will start from the perspective that both parties should be able to own a house if this is possible from splitting the assets, I don’t think they will be keen on the idea of renting. I agree with others who have said that if you can raise some money and buy him out sufficient that he can get a very basic 3 bed and agree that as a full settlement that would be the best solution. Or would it really be the end of the world to get a smaller place for you and the kids- at least you’d be shot of him? The other thing would be if you could consider “nesting” whilst the kids are at home, so whoever is looking after the kids is in the main house lives there which means that you only need to get a 1-2 bedder for the non-resident parent. It’s an odd concept for many British people to grasp but apparently is brilliant for the kids (done a lot in Scandinavia).

@MichaelAndEagle I wouldn't take Stath's advice on real estate arrangements!

Do you know what it is he wants in order to have a clean break? You say he won’t accept it’s over - have you tried talking to him about what it would take for him to agree to a separation? If he is the lower earner and paying his share of all day to day costs he may not want to spend a lot of money litigating the situation.

Obviously legal advice etc is very necessary and you should do all that as well, and it may be that in the final analysis he will go for everything he can get. But there’s a chance that he won’t, and perhaps finding out what he could be persuaded to settle for in terms of living situation and co-parenting would also be useful for you to know.

I’d also want to ask a solicitor what you can do right now to protect ongoing assets, eg your income vs his etc. Separating can take a while. Can you start keeping separate finances if you aren’t already? Can you make sure you’re in control of all spending as it relates to your income? So everything is split equitably day to day, (bills, food, childcare etc) and he’s not spending your money down the pub etc.

How about you agree with him that he takes no equity but pays not maintenance. He might not agree, but it might also be the cleanest solution.

@OverTheRubicon what happened in your case? Did you lose a great deal?

The advice sounds a bit off but I'm assuming that you will be the resident parent after the split (is that right? ) which would normally give you the higher share i think. But the court would also look at ensuring both partners can be adequately housed so if his share wouldn't be enough then it could be readjusted.

If it was me
I would take a lower paying job ( if you can afford to ) bide my time and then file for divorce

Ive read that lots of times on here where the husband deliberately takes a lower paid job to get a better deal or avoid child maintenance .
not saying you should do this but work out the figures if it’s worth while

And I know how you feel - I would feel absolutely raging at the thought of giving an ex money when he hasn’t really contributed
I think I would be looking at my patio and if he would fit underneath it 😂😂

but if you have a nanny and childcare
that’s proof towards that he isn’t the main primary carer if he is trying to say that to get more money

@GirlsNightOut33 my ideal would be me remortgage the house and buying him out of the house with say £50k, he can keep the car, not allowing overnights, and me expecting no maintance or access to his pension

Also he has no savings at all. We have no joint accounts. How does he get himself legal representation?

Similar-ish situation. My barrister argued for 51% if the equity on paper which amounted to about 54% overall, and I kept my slightly higher pension, but I have the kids full time. A lot depends of how contact is divided up. Ex still hasn't bought a property 🙄

That might apply in a longer marriage but this is only six years and he has given up a higher-paid job for £30k. I don't think after only six years he can expect anything like the amount you imply.

OP, get a solicitor who'll fight your corner.

There's no way you are going to get your ideal, unless your ex husband to be agrees to it...and even then it would have to be a drawn up legal agreement, which he would need his own solicitor to look over...and any solicitor doing his/her job properly would tell him what you are proposing is a shit deal for him!

The law doesn't care about behaviour when it comes to divorce...my mother was told that nearly 35 years ago when my father divorced her. She was told that my father could have had a 100 affairs and it wouldn't have made the slightest difference to the financial settlement. The courts start at a 50/50 split and then adjustments are made (sometimes) depending on who has the children more often, etc. How you purchased your home is immaterial, the minute you got married it became a joint asset.

He's going to have to get his own solicitor and find a way to pay for it. It is possible that the courts may ultimately decide that court fees/solicitor costs come out of the equity.

We were together 18 months before we married.

I know I know. Nobody needs to say it 😪

How you purchased your home is immaterial, the minute you got married it became a joint asset.

No. If the fact that the OP had paid the deposit and it was ring-fenced it would all be hers.

I was with my DH for two and a half months before we got married. There’s no magic time period to be with someone before you get married. All this red flag talk, and rules of thumb like live together for x years and then long engagement is really backhanded victim blaming imho.

You’ve done nothing wrong, none of this is your fault.

So I have a very similar set up but been advised totally differently!

I earn £75k
He earns £25k - in a job he refuses to leave from and could earn at least £10k elsewhere

House £350k
Equity £160k

Married 10 years. Both work full time. 3 young children. 2 in full time childcare, one in primary.

My solicitor and I are going for a 65/35 split. It's irrelevant about the mortgage raising capacity because actually even though I earn more due to the cost of childcare my capacity is the same if not lower than his

Solicitors said he doesn't have a right to buy - just be housed and if that's renting so be it. He'd have to take 100% of the equity to get close to a mortgage anyway and highly unlikely he'd be awarded that as I'm the Main carer for our children

If he's anything like mine he'll take his substantial cut of the equity, then shack up with the first woman who'll have him and spend the next few years pleading poverty.

I would get some further/better advice.

Also consider writing his ongoing financial commitments to your kids into any future settlement, particularly with reference to uni. I thought I'd be in a decent enough financial position to not have to worry about it, but had to give up work to care for elderly parents during the pandemic.

While I will do everything I can to support DC with uni costs, he will get to walk away and contribute nothing if he chooses to.

OP I have no idea about the legalities but in terms of the ethics of it, I think you are totally right in saying you should have not to worry that he has enough money to buy a house. That sounds crazy to me.

We rent. Lots of people rent! We can't afford to buy, so we rent. This is not some horrible strange condition, it's just reality for lots of people right now.

The only consideration should be whether he can arrange a suitable home for your children. A rented flat is a suitable home. Whether it's the best for him personally in the long run, that is for him to worry about. He can go back to the high-paying job if he wants to.

You need a solicitor experienced in this and gets good outcomes.

You can prove that the DC have needed full time childcare and that he has higher earning potential.

You could offer a years spousal to help him whilst he gets a better job.

You could consider a mesher order.

Lots of options but SHL now.

I was told the priority is always two houses for the children. Each parent needs to be able to house the children.
My ex managed to put down 8k annual income by fiddling numbers (I was also main earner) and thus since his mortgage capacity was low he was given larger amount of equity.

I was also advised that if it went to final hearing there was also a chance that he would be awarded spousal maintenance due to discrepancy in incomes.

What I would say is I felt like you at the time that it wasn’t fair. However, since divorcing my income is 4-6 times higher and so I am in a secure position financially despite having to give more of the pie to him initially. I now see that was fair as he would never have the earning potential (and motivation etc) to earn what I do. And I want my children to have a nice home with him.

It has taken me a long time to come to that view point..

The two years fighting over the money which essentially ended with him pretty much getting what he wanted from the start was a huge waste of money and the emotional fallout was horrific for me and my family.

The best thing you can do is get some second and third opinions from well regarded solicitors then decide what to do.

It sounds like you’re very successful and hardworking, you’ll probably make leaps and bounds when you drop this lazy fuck.

Ring fencing only works when it can proved there is no 'need' for what the OP contributed to be accessed to meet the husband's 'needs' in the divorce...why is it so hard for people to understand that that is what marriage essentially is, a legal contract where EVERYTHING you both own automatically becomes joint property?

Ultimately it will be the court that will decide how all the assets are split. As previous posters have said, it's likely they will see there is enough available equity for both parties to be able to purchase property. The only hope the OP possibly has is to argue it's a short marriage.

Offer him60% now and be done with it.

Court divorced cost a fortune. Very stressful.

Start thinking of your money as your children's money.

Best thing is both buy houses.

He should probably get a better job.

Both have good deposits and buy.

Be grateful for your earning power

Surprising amount depends on the judge you get.

Chalk it up. Learn from it.

Your OP is Yabu and you need to be more realistic.

why is it so hard for people to understand that that is what marriage essentially is, a legal contract where EVERYTHING you both own automatically becomes joint property?

I blame TV and movies for the persistent myth that marriage is about romance and true wuv rather than legailities and finances. And for making people think marriage in the UK is the same as in America (where prenups are more enforceable, for example).