In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

Its interesting to read the comments saying to record the interactions and it is a good idea! My in laws always made awful comments when my partner wasn't around to hear them.

When i was 3 months post partum they turned up at the house while i was home alone. They were rude, arrogant and mean. I called my partner and unknowingly kept my partner on the phone so he heard everything that was said and I have never seen or heard my partner so angry.

I have not been to their house in nearly 2 years. I will only see them when my partner is around. I agree with everyone else it's classic manipulation and gaslighting. So sorry you are going through it. There's a very good podcast called Beyond Bitchy that really helped me with boundary setting.

Sound like my MIL and really with lots of the comments it sounds like it could be a helpful or supportive comment though I know it’s aimed to piss me off. Sometimes repeating them back I’d feel as if I sounded crazy.
Then there is the turning things around to make you look like the bad one, as if you are deranged and causing the issues. Majority or comments made out of ear shot of others and my SIL firmly supporting the bitch.

I went through years of this crap, I stood my ground. Don’t get me wrong there were lots of tears, anger and tbh horrible words used about her to my DH which in hindsight was unfair. He loves her she’s his mum, he fully admits she’s horrible. All I can say is that she learned relatively quickly (not quickly enough imo) that I was in control and if she wanted a relationship with her GC and her DS that she needed me on side. Everything is now on my terms and I never waiver because I won’t give her an inch in case she reverts back. It pleases me greatly to know that through every child handover, every conversation she knows deep down how I feel about her. She is a job end of.

So, no culture wise we

You've got two options - you can choose to give it headspace and let it affect you or you can choose to have confidence in yourself and dismiss their opinions. It's up to you whether you value their opinion over your own.

i would deal with them in a easy, breezy, "I assumed no malice so I didn't get your sly dig" manner, it'll drive them NUTS.

They tell you they can't talk to you? "oh how strange, I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not a criticism I've had before" ... And then carry on exactly the way you were.

Body changes? "Time makes fools out of all of us, where do you go for your chin waxing btw? I need a new eyebrow lady blah blah"

Baby not allowed to breathe the same air as the dog? Oh thank you for the advice. And carry on exactly as you were.

Holding the baby wrong? "Oh yes I see, she seems pretty comfy though so I won't disturb her for the minute, mummy cuddles are a special kind of magic aren't they."

Channel Phoebe off friends. You'll never win in a row, just be aloof.

Ask DH to never leave you alone with them, everything they say to you needs a witness. That's a reasonable request, if he can't stick to that then no contact and he can see his parents alone without you and you can be busy every single time.

We are all from the same background is what I meant to say.

My parents don't live near unfortunately.

It looks like it's going to come down to your husband having to choose between you and your family. I don't see this ending any other way. The way they are vilifying you. They think they've got you cornered now that you are with the baby. The husband is going to have to stand up for you or you will inevitably be forced to stand up for yourself which will drive a wedge between you and your husband or force him to make a choice. Either way it's a hard path. I guess there is the option that you just tolerate the emotional abuse and belittling but I don't thunk that is sustainable. Your husband calling you too much is a worrying sign. Does he love you and respect you or not? I don't know I probably would have lost it with my husband if he said this to me.

@KinkyMom I know what you mean about him saying I'm too much. But maybe sometimes I am. Because of everything that's happened and I can't forget, sometimes I do see absolutely everything they do/ say in a negative way. I just can't forget. So I do need to check myself sometimes.

Everyone is right about why she's said this. Spot on. 100%.

I have a pass agg MIL who likes to undermine my parenting and control us all the time. She's also told DH she's scared of me.

To which I replied "Good".

OP do not let them visit you unless DH is around. I used to ignore phone calls and pretend I was not at home if my pils tried to come round (sometimes unannounced) I can imagine it must be quite exhausting. I think some people just dont think before they speak or are oblivious of how it's being received. This is something my MIL could have come out with. At the time my hormones would have had a massive impact too so I was more sensitive. I used to largely ignore what she would say if it was rediculous or have to educate her on how things have changed since she had her son etc etc. But now I realise she just does not think and has to comment on everything and give unsolicited advise.

Let me preface this with I like the challenge of people like your MIL / FIL.

If you have to repeat, my personal favorite is "MIL / FIL you really should see a doctor. It's terrible that I have to repeat myself about these / this thing(s), I'm worried about you and this is coming from a place of love"

If they say something about your appearance, respond with (for example what horrid things she said while you were pregnant) "I see your hair is falling out / your eyes are to far apart / close together / I see your belly (butt) is getting bigger"

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm sending you all the strength juju I can.

Best advice here so far.

Of course, anyone awful must be foreign

They are very nasty bullies.

Stop having children with a man who doesn't have your back 100% of the time.

Look at moving closer tonyour family.

In the meantime, dramatically reduce the time you see them.

Do not allow them into the house without their son there and they have only said this bullshit about being afraid of you because they think they can insult you and you just have to suck it up.

Stop tolerating them at all.

Your weak icky husband who is scared of his mother is the real problem here.

Nothing less attractive than a man who is scared of his mother🙄

I'd say Ta Ta, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out you demented tools!
They sound an absolute nightmare.

They sound horrible.

Haven't RTFT but frankly a) they would not enter my house again for a long, long, long time. b) they would be requested by my husband for a full and sincere written apology to me c) if my husband didn't have my back on this I would rethink the relationship ASAP rather than getting further entrenched.

Why on earth are you allowing them over the doorstep, especially when your husband isn't there? Just, why??

Effective immediately, no more visits. Bolt the door and let them stand outside if they show up unexpectedly and uninvited.

If your husband doesn't shape up soon, demand that you both attend counseling (and get some individual counseling for yourself) before these patterns are set in stone.

If my partner ever told me that "sometimes I am too much" they wouldn't be my partner much longer.

Good luck to you.

As always Princess Zelda offers her impressive wisdom on the matter.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune that sounded sarcastic but I didn't mean it that way! 😆

yeh lol at are they foreign. I was reading an article about estrangement earlier and 4 of the main reasons. One of them has got to be pretty effing universal.

The older generatio perceives any feedback/request for change or any small criticism about the way they're treated as DISRESPECT.
An emotionally mature adult can deal with a small bit of feedback. ''in future would you mind not doing x, because it's hurtful'. The emotionally aware parent or in-law will think oh that's not what I intended at all, let me show you that this behaviour ends now!

But sadly, it's common for the parent or in-law to be extremely defensive. How dare their child/child's spouse give them feedback!!!! They are perfect after all.

With your in laws "we're scared of you,we don't what to say to you as you get offended" translates to "we don't like that you have a spine and have stood up to us and have told us off for the out of order critical things we say to you and we hope that by DARVO'ing you'll kindly STFU and let us carrying on treating you badly"

But sadly, it's common for the parent or in-law to be extremely defensive. How dare their child/child's spouse give them feedback!!!! They are perfect after all

I agree, and I have been the parent who felt defensive, though I did everything I could to swallow my pride, NEVER lash out or be judgmental, think it through afterwards, have a word with myself etc.
It can take effort & time to be honest and admit that you wanted to project your own stuff, really see what was driving you, etc.

Say you think it's best you spend less time together as 'we both clearly don't enjoy each other's company'. Then just send the baby with DH for visits instead

I'd never let MIL or SIL over my threshold again. This isn't going to stop unless you stop it. It will get worse and she will begin to alienate your children with her poisonous drip feed.

I really would reduce contact as much as possible.
People who chip away at you like this don’t ever stop in my experience. And people who flip the blame onto you ‘we are afraid of you’ don’t change either. They are arseholes.
Life is too short to put up with it because it can have a really negative effect on your mental health.
Some posters have said send DH and DC to see the in-laws by themselves. I personally wouldn’t do that as often this is exactly what MIL is trying to achieve, to get you out of the way. To have you on the outside looking in.