In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

I’d show your DH the DARVO stuff and make sure she can’t get him on her side.

My DM has a history of this sort of behaviour (although she’s never been as bad as your MIL). The very interesting thing is that since my dad died she’s had no-one to back her up so although she still says irritating things a lot she won’t do the DARVO thing when I tell her to stop. I’m still not convinced that she knows what she’s said is wrong, but more that she knows that if I fall out with her, she’s on her own and she’s now very dependent on me. She ‘manages’ everyone’s relationships by telling small fibs about who’s said what which is very unnerving.

You tell the uptight old prune to FUCK RIGHT OFF; who the hell does the bullying bitch think she is saying about your body shape; your were having her grandchild for fucks sake; sounds like the old crone needs to get back on her broomstick & fuck off back to the dark side taking her lapdog husband with her.
Tell Dh no I’m law visits until she changes her attitude towards you; if that takes 18 years tough that’ll be the next time she sees her grandchild 😡 miserable old witch I bet she’s a fat cow with varicose veins, a hairy chin & a wart on her nose

I try to speak as little as I can to them. Especially MIL.

I always end up apologising for upsetting them by standing up for myself.

I'm so sorry that by pointing out that you hurt my feelings, I upset you.

She said it was a compliment and when she was pregnant she was always happy when people pointed out how her body changed etc.. SIL was all like ' she meant it in a nice way ' Bla bla bla

Did she also mean it in a nice way that I should really give breastfeeding a go because I can lose weight doing so ? She knows I'm hung up about my body and work hard to stay in shape generally and it's something I care about and struggle with. In a screwed up way, she was trying to encourage me to keep BF as she could see it was a struggle for me and she thought the fact it could help, would motivate me.

She also told me that learning to BF was now my job, seeing as I am on maternity leave. I've really struggled with it and she keeps asking me if I'm still doing it or if I've given up. Another family member also had a baby at the same time and MIL asked me if she had also ' given up already ' ? I am so Heartbroken about the BF and struggles and she knows this. I don't understand why she keeps going on about it. Argh !

I'd try to see them as little as possible. Can dh take baby on a weekend? (Assuming he works in week) see them for unavoidable occasions and don't have their numbers /be contactable. And enjoy ur baby.

When you ask someone nicely (or 'sternly' but without anger) to stop a behaviour that is negatively affecting you and they start throwing accusations of 'fear' at you, it's a battle you can never win. Their 'fear' will always trump your feelings because IRL a legitimate fear trumps about everything if you are a good person. That's why they use that particular 'word'.

If someone truly fears your dog/snake/elephant you put it in another room or remove it from the person's area or you visit that person on their own turf, without your pet. If someone truly fears heights, you don't force them into a glass elevator up a 50 story building or force them on the balcony to 'enjoy the view'. If someone fears driving on the motorway you don't insist they take it even if it is the fastest route. Follow me? Fear = accommodation/capitulation to the other person's needs. And in cases of legitimate fears, we usually happily comply if possible as it's usually no skin off our noses.

Your iLs are using their 'fear' of you to manipulate you into putting up with whatever they choose to dish out. They're using (as another PP pointed out) DARVO to the Nth degree with an added 'dollop' of 'Be Kind' to allow themselves to continue to 'put you down' and hurt you.

Naturally, you should talk to your DH and he should back you up 100% and tell them to STFU. But if he won't or if they won't stop even if he does, then you are perfectly entitled to go NC or VLC. And to tell them to STFU yourself.

Definitely DARVO, I love her but my mum does something similar!

I think their behaviour is so extreme that you have to forget all about the normal rules of engagement. Stop worrying about being polite. Just don’t engage. “I’m not open to comments on my body or parenting choices”. Then silence; don’t ever be afraid of leaving a silence. If they continue, simply stand up, take the baby and walk away. Just don’t engage with it. Take all the power back. It will feel very awkward because you are socially conditioned to be respectful and courteous, even when treated with disrespect yourself, but push through that feeling. When they blow it up into a big argument, which they will try to do, you repeat the exact same action “I’m not open to comments on my body or parenting choices”, followed by silence, followed by removing yourself and the baby. If DH tries to draw you into the drama again, you tell him that he’s welcome to pander to their gaslighting and tantrums but that you no longer intend to do so.

Tell them to get to fuck OP. No one should have to put up with this kind of abuse. Tell them they've never seen scary. You poke the bear.....expect a bite.

When do you see them, can you be busy?

I'd let her critique and completely blank anything like that. Give her no response. Maybe grey rock 'I'm her mum, I'll work it out' 'we're her parents, we'll work it out'

they'd not be insulting you if they were afraid of you, they are just pushing any buttons they can reach to try & make you obey them. They see themselves as elders before whom you must prostrate yourself!

What does your dp say? He needs to be putting a stop to this right now by telling his parents to stop their nonsense.

I’d also be telling them that you can’t imagine how they could possibly be afraid of a new mum asking them to stop criticising so you think it’s best that they keep their distance until they get some perspective.

I would suggest they come and see the baby when your DP is there and then make sure you are not around.

I ignore her a lot and she'll just keep going. With the older child, she kept going on and on about the fact I didn't give milk first thing in the morning. She didn't agree with it, as she always gave her kids milk first thing... she asked me about 50 times why I don't do it and kept telling me it was good to give milk first thing in the morning. I just kept either ignoring it when she asked me or gave the same answer. I didn't give any rise to it at all.. it's been hard..

Another funny one is that thinks the older child should have a certain room in the house, so rather than just accept we had chosen a different room- she just keeps repeating why she thinks we should choose the room she thinks is the right room. She keeps ignoring that we have told her and asking ' so which room did you decide DC is having ? ' we say ' X room ' and she'll reply ' oh ok I though you were going to use Y room. I think Y room would be good '. She's literally asked this about 15 times. It's like she keeps repeating it and she thinks she's being clever or something because she won't come straight out with it. It's so frustrating, but I don't rise to it. If I did, I would again be told I'm horrible and bad intentioned / sensitive / arrogant etc.

I feel so sad reading about the critical comments so many inlaws seem to make. The way our children and DILs have brought up their families is alot better than I managed, I think they are all great parents, and now the grandchildren are just as good. I also love my daughter in law, and am so glad she married our son. Surely notvall MILs are so spiteful, my own Mum died before Ivwas married, and I have wished so many times she'd been there, although my MIL never would have tried to diss me she did teach me many things.

Your mil is ghastly. Don't absorb her criticism and doubt yourself.
Google grey rock technique and minimise contact with her.
Awful.

Even if your DH isn’t in the room when the comments are made, surely you tell him what they’re saying and if so, how is he supporting you here?

Sometimes he says I'm just too much. Other times he agrees with me and thinks it's ridiculous. He doesn't say anything to her though, as he's afraid of awakening the beast. He's stood up for me during a couple of arguments, that's about it.

This, absolutely, this.

I would say "I asked the health visitor about baby breathing the same air as the dog and you're almost right MIL! Except she said it was YOU giving off toxic air and baby and I can't be in the same room as you. Sorry, bye!"

Ok I wouldn't because I'm a wuss but I'd be tempted!

You say nothing

Because you stop seeing them

Because they're batshit

If they can't be civil then you won't see them & baby won't see them Because at that age she needs to be with her mum.

They reap what they sow

Listen - when you have a new baby everything is all over the place and it takes ages to find your feet.
Negative input at that stage is really hurtfu;l as the time is fraught.
My suggestion?
Disengage, and quickly.
Start to place value on your time and your spirits.
That would mean - don't answer the phone. You can call back. Agree with yourself that you will call back once in XXX hours/days/weeks. In that call you can say "sorry but very caught up in sleep and baby".
Have a time limit for the call, and a good excuse ready to hand to terminate the call - baby crying etc . Also have excuses ready to terminate the call if they are coming to a subject you do not wish to discuss - "oh , so sorry, baby crying, must go" etc.
Ditto text. You answer every so often. Don't even read the incoming. You have excellent excuses now.
Ditto visits.
Start to carve out time for you to get to know your baby, and yourself in this new stage of life. You will be very emotional - we all are at that time.
There is only one way for you to be a mother and that is your way. BUT - you have to find it as we all did/do. For that you need a little peace, a little love, and no critisim.
Good luck op.
PS - you can loose weight later. One step at a time.

👌👌👌👌👌

Can I ask without being rude are they from a different culture? Where are your parents? Do you live with them?
Even if you are from the same background were you brought up in UK things have changed since they had their children. If possible try and only see them with another person present( someone who will back you up) I appreciate it will be awkward if you live with them.