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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws: we are afraid of you

352 replies

faultybox · 17/01/2023 13:53

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

OP posts:
Original poster
faultybox · 17/01/2023 17:55

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 17:54

So they want total freedom to criticise you.
Sod that.

If your H doesn't back you up he's part of the problem

They only mean well apparently and just trying to help.

Apparently I'm too arrogant to understand their intentions and too sensitive..

OP posts:
ChristmasCakeAndGin · 17/01/2023 17:56

This is a DH problem.

They are his parents. He either supports you or he doesn't. This is a hill I would die on now - it will only get worse.

At. least in the short term, NEVER allow him to go see them on his own, because then you are the problem.

When they make a comment to you - HE needs to answer. "You said what about my wife? Did you call my wife crazy/fat/scary. You need to apologise to her."

You need to present a united front to them, with your husband backing you up.

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 17:56

Agree it's classic DARVO

You ''please don't say x, y or z as it's hurtful''
them: omg how dare you we're scared of YOU

Deny
Attack
Reverse victim and offender

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 17:58

@faultybox wow, god help you. So there's one perspective, theirs.

You're pushing water uphill here.

OntarioBagnet · 17/01/2023 17:58

I agree they’re not scared of you, if they were your mil wouldn’t have made comments like this in the first place. They were relying on you not saying anything and now are trying to control the narrative and gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I’d be tempted to go very low contact, they won’t get better.

SwingandaPrayer · 17/01/2023 18:08

I, personally would keep DH out of it. My biggest arguments with my DH have been regarding my parents and his parents and it can be such a massively sensitive area for many couples. I would hate to put my DH in an awkward situation with his parents and I'd him to do the same to me. I'd simply reduce contact as much as possible, when you are with them keep your conversation to a minimum and avoid being alone with them. Encourage DH to take your child to theirs on his own and don't let yourself be dragged into a big confrontation but at the same time not let yourself be walked over.

Tinkerbyebye · 17/01/2023 18:26

i would be telling your dh how they make you feel and ask him to speak to them. I would also insist none of the in laws can visit unless he is there

they sound aweful

regoirerings · 17/01/2023 18:27

They sound so awful! It is so hard when you have a baby and then have to deal with this sort of thing. You want to be giving all your attention to your baby, really, and not being stressed at all, so I would dramatically reduce contact and also agree on contact while your DH is around too, hopefully that would mean they wouldn't be so rude at all as he would be around.

Other timeless advice on MN is to smile and nod and ignore, without being rude. You could try repeating back to them what they say without taking it on board, like "you think that I shouldn't wipe away a tear because the baby might get an infection" - the MIL says "yes" and that is the end of the matter, you can ignore, she feels heard. If it was a genuine relationship you could sit down and talk about how you feel and how they feel but it sounds as though they were rude to the point of abusive in the context of you only just having given birth and so a genuine relationship probably isn't going to be possible, so it is best to work out how to manage it to avoid conflict so that you and your baby aren't affected.

I hope that everything is wonderful with your baby other than in relation to this!

zmq3Zm96uijcs2c · 17/01/2023 18:27

What they are doing is really wicked and cruel. Six weeks pp you are very vulnerable and they are treating you horribly. The next time I’d be in a room with either of them would be their funeral (and that would be a push)

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2023 18:30

Record them covertly and say things like your son doesn't see a problem your son thinks it's OK get them to criticise him then play it back to him

EmmaEmerald · 17/01/2023 18:31

OntarioBagnet · 17/01/2023 17:58

I agree they’re not scared of you, if they were your mil wouldn’t have made comments like this in the first place. They were relying on you not saying anything and now are trying to control the narrative and gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I’d be tempted to go very low contact, they won’t get better.

This

if these horrible people were scared of you, it would be a bonus! But they are just trying to accuse you of not dancing to their tune.

can you keep out of their way? Tell your DH what's happening.

thing47 · 17/01/2023 18:32

faultybox · 17/01/2023 17:55

They only mean well apparently and just trying to help.

Apparently I'm too arrogant to understand their intentions and too sensitive..

Show quote history

@faultybox even if this were true (it isn't), it's still your baby and you get to decide. I suppose if you wanted to be nice and give them one more chance you could say just that. "I appreciate you're just trying to help MIL, but he's my baby and I'm going to bring him up the way I want to. Unsolicited 'advice' or criticism is not welcome."

Personally I wouldn't bother because the polite approach has already failed so I'd now be in if-you-don't-shut-up-you-can-fuck-off mode, but that's just me.

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 18:32

Agree, they're not scared of you at all. They're using the victim dynamic to regain control.

Longtimeuser · 17/01/2023 18:36

Aw op. I could have written this post myself after I had my first baby 7 years ago. Except it was my own mother and sister.

Everything I was doing was wrong, apparently I needed theit help because I would never be able to do it alone. So many examples, so I know how you feel.

Sending you a hug, it's horrible to be attacked like that. Because it is a huge attack on you as a mother. Can I ask, is this their first grandchild?

I really think you need to distance yourself from them, remove their power. Maybe refuse to see them for now. You need to put you and your baby first. You don't need them in your life ... What positivity are they bringing to you?

AnnieFarmer · 17/01/2023 18:37

I wouldn’t say anything, I wouldn’t have them in my house anymore. I wouldn’t accept their calls or reply to their messages. They will then cry and tell you that you’re keeping them from their grandchild (can you tell I’ve had experience of this?). Your DH can take the baby to see them. You don’t have to put up with their cruel and manipulative behaviour.

PollyAmour · 17/01/2023 18:39

What awful in-laws you have. Tell your husband that he HAS to support you when they make their spiteful asides, and tell them clearly that unless it stops, their contact with your baby will be massively reduced.

Youdoyoubabe · 17/01/2023 18:43

Just tell her that you suffer from VSPS and they should be considerate of that. the PIL relationship tends to be strained anyway.

ScreamingBeans · 17/01/2023 18:44

You know what, with people like this, it's better they're scared of you.

Work on making them even more scared. Fucking arseholes.

What they mean by scared, is surprised and disturbed that you haven't just accepted their unacceptable rude comments and have told them you don't like those and to stop doing it.

They need to be scared so that they STFU

grumpycow1 · 17/01/2023 18:44

faultybox · 17/01/2023 17:55

They only mean well apparently and just trying to help.

Apparently I'm too arrogant to understand their intentions and too sensitive..

Show quote history

Is this your DH talking about being arrogant and too sensitive??

Rainbow1901 · 17/01/2023 18:49

faultybox · 17/01/2023 17:55

They only mean well apparently and just trying to help.

Apparently I'm too arrogant to understand their intentions and too sensitive..

Show quote history

And hormonal - you have had a baby and finding your way with a new baby is not easy.
Unfortunately babies don't come with a How to Manual - so less visits from these people is the way to go while you and your DH get in to your groove and have a settled and happy family life without any interference.

LaughingPriest · 17/01/2023 18:50

"We don't know how to talk to you."
"Try not saying twatty things"

BunchHarman · 17/01/2023 18:56

They are a pair of manipulative, lying, gaslighting cunts. Seriously.

You need your H to be onside. If he’s not, or if he starts to follow their lead, get out. You truly can’t win with people like that.

Changechangychange · 17/01/2023 18:57

minsmum · 17/01/2023 16:01

If they are turning up when your Dh isn't there always answer the door with your coat on, if it's them they can't stop you are just going out, if it's someone you want to see how lovely you just got in.

Or just don’t answer the door? If it’s somebody you are expecting, they’ll have your mobile number.

I’d block your MIL and SIL.

ilovesushi · 17/01/2023 19:00

Bless you, she sounds a nightmare. Well done for sticking up for yourself. I think when a new baby comes along it takes a while for the dynamics to sort themselves out. Hopefully, she'll back off and you can establish a decent relationship. x

ThereIbledit · 17/01/2023 19:02

I'd start by refusing to be in their company, I'd make sure they couldn't contact me by phone or social media, and I'd end it with ensuring that my husband wasn't a flying monkey for them.

Why the ever loving F would you allow them to continue to behave like this towards you?? People who behave badly towards you don't get the privilege of spending time with you. Tough shit if that means they get less time with their grandchild and son.

Your H should be NOTHING other than supportive of you against their bullying.