Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

Use official child care in future.
Does school have a breakfast club

Because school would have looked for his adult as that's what they do, and wanted to know why he was alone. I drop at the gates, but the teacher would know if DS appeared at the gates alien without me in sight and he'd be asked where I was. In England it generally isn't acceptable for 5 yo to make their own way to school, school monitor this by having the kids "handed over" visually from adult to adult.

Why would you quote and respond to my post, yet not address the questions in it?

Again...

Are these doors external, or inside the school? If inside, and there are potentially hundreds of parents milling around in the morning, trying to sort kids, vying for teachers attentions, isn't that a massive security risk??

Here, you take your child to the school playground and supervise them until the bell rings, when they line up in their classes and the teacher comes to meet them and take them in the building.
After the first week of P1, adults are asked to stay outside the playground.

Exactly. What if this kid had wondered into the road and got hit by a car and was now in hospital with two broken legs? Or a stranger had come up and walked off with him? Would it still be "Omg you're such a burden to your kind friend, it's all your own fault for not having a better job like I do/did and parenting yourself. You should apologise to her that she had to see that happen!!"

Now I obviously can't speak for OP but this is a very, very rough layout of our school.
Parents need to go through the school gates to their child's class room door. It's an external door that opens into the yard/play area. There is a corridor before you reach the actual classroom which is usually where coats & bags etc go.
Teacher is in classroom setting up for day, goes to their door to let children in, children are handed over, put coats on pegs and go into their classroom where the TAs are. Parents collect from the same doors at the end of the day and child is only let out of the building once parent/guardian is seen by teacher.
School is set back from school gate a bit and doors as well spaced out around the building so it's only really your class there. School gates open at 8.45am and parents are responsible for the children until the teacher opens their doors at 8.55am. Children cannot be unsupervised in the school yard between 8.45 and 8.55.

Our school has a door per year group which opens on to the playground. Playground gates open then 10 minutes later year group doors open. TAs stand at door and welcome children. Parents make sure they see their children go in to the year group door where they then put their coats in the corridor and walk to their classroom. Parents do not go inside the school building but children cannot be left outside school gates by the road.

I'd recommend the school breakfast clubs, if it snows and the school closes, you'll know first thing and can make other arrangements. Friends dropping off are fine until things like this happens, or we have snow and a parent finds themselves with lots of extra children they weren't expecting to have on their hands.

Update!
First thank you for all the comments. Although I do feel sad for some people that get very angry and can’t comprehend not having friends and helping each other out.

friend caught me this afternoon to apologise. She was very upset and sincere and said she doesn’t know what happened. Just one of those moments. She was very worried about our friendship which I assured her we will still remain friends and I appreciate her seeking me out to explain and apologise. We are going to pause her helping me as our friendship is the priority over school runs.

My DC has been praised on how he dealt with the situation and despite being upset yesterday still wants to see her children and be friends

That’s a nice update. You can’t do any more. She’s probably mortified.

That's a good update, the best outcome you could ask for. Hope your friendship survives.

Well then, you contact the school and tell them to change their policy.

My DGC school doesn't have a breakfast club.

She’s not your friend and doesn’t give a shit about your son. She may well be annoyed that you’ve asked her to take him to school but that was on her to raise that with you. You thought the arrangement was secure and your son was safe. Going ahead, I would get a childminder to take him to school or cut down your hours so you can take him if the finances for childcare don’t work out. Most importantly, you can’t be friends with this woman anymore.

I think she had a massive brain fart, and when your DC fell behind her lot she went on autopilot and took all the kids she had with her to their classes without twigging that she was supposed to have an extra one that day. This is the sort of thing that lets parents leave babies in hot cars, because they go on autopilot and think they've already dropped the kid off/the other parent is dropping them that day.

When she realised, she chased up the other parent to make sure someone had seen him into class, so I think she does care.

I would not be happy if my 5 year old was left to get to his class himself even if he was through the school gates. My 8 year old on the other hand does take himself to his class fine once through the school gates. I would definitely ask what happened but try not to get confrontational and ask if it’s too much for her? Tell her she must ensure your child gets in class but you can understand if it’s too much as she has her own children to contend with, then make other arrangements.

Forgive me for not reading your updates, but you definitely ANBU. It’s a good thing your child had the sense to ask a familiar adult for help. I’d’ve been beside myself to realise I’d left a kid at the gate. Your friend sounds like she didn’t give a shit. I wouldn’t trust her again. Tell your dc that he did the right thing but also discuss not talking to strangers.

Who cares what your friends say or suggest. You are the parent and you need to make the choices that suit you and your children.

Am I missing something? You are the parent he is your child and it is your responsibility to get your child to school? Lots of parents work and manage to get their kids to school.

@Bubblegirly tell her what you’ve said here. It’s truely how you feel. You don’t have to go into imagination of what ifs as that didn’t happen but you can set a boundary and explain how you feel. I’m sure she laughed it off as she was deeply embarrassed. There after of course it’s your choice if you ask her to take him again. X

It is good that you and friend have sorted things, that she was apologetic etc. ⚘

I am totally gob smacked by some of the replies on here. The OP has been told it is HER responsibility to deliver her child safely to school just because a group of friends help each other out 🤔; that she is a CF expecting friends to do it🙄; that her 5 year old should just be able to get himself in to school and it's no big deal he was left outside school gate 😳; that her friend doesn't give a shit 🤔 and so on and so on!! Unbelievable intolerance, self righteousness, cloud cuckoo land, judgemental and downright unkind!!

Umm yes you are?
Plenty of people ask occasional favours or pay people to take their child to school because the hours don't fit with their job.
Responsibility doesn't always mean physically doing it yourself.

I wouldn’t ask her for help again, as your child was okay, I’d probably leave it. But you are right to be upset, 5 is too young to be left outside school.

I’m amazed that some people replying are implying it’s your own fault for expecting help and diligence from a friend who had agreed to help and look after your child.

School would have told you, your child would have taken themselves in or another parent would drop in. Maybe you should look into a childminder as this is awkward territory. I'm sure your friend would feel terrible but also maybe put upon. Maybe it's too much for her.

So she totally forgot she had an extra child to look after and when reminded laughed it of? Never-ever in my whole life would I let this person be in charge of my child.

She had a duty of care to ensure he was safely inside the school.
Yanbu for that.
However,I think Yabvu to use this flaky system to ensure your dc is safe and perhaps your friends feel this too?
Can you change your hours or afford a proper child minder,au pair or pre school club ?
This system you have is not adequate care for your child by any means.