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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

352 replies

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:14

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

OP posts:
Everyonehasavoice · 17/01/2023 03:28

We all love to do our friends favours from ‘time to time’ but as so many posts before it is wearing. Sometimes it’s actually up to the person accepting the favour to start realising that’s it’s too much and just not fare.

Your friend probably doesn’t want to admit that they are fed up being a dogs body

Everyonehasavoice · 17/01/2023 03:57

Gosh what an incredibly rude response basically telling someone they have no friends. The person was simply making a basic common sense remark, there is no call for bullying.

emptythelitterbox · 17/01/2023 04:14

No wonder kids have so many anxiety issues these days.

A 5 year old can certainly make their way to class by themselves.

Having so many parents wandering around the school is a major safeguarding issue as not every parent is decent and like a PP said, anyone can just walk in.

Felix01 · 17/01/2023 04:16

YANBU but you need to pay for breakfast club , it's a lot to expect your friends to drop off DC every morning.

Peoniesandcream · 17/01/2023 04:28

Lol at all the bitchy remarks reminding you she's doing you a favour and saying you should be paying her 🙄🤣. I wouldn't trust her again, I bet she hasn't forgot to take her own kids.

Catspyjamas17 · 17/01/2023 05:45

If she dropped all the kids at the gates and expected them to go in together, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But I can't get past her taking her own kids in and leaving DS outside the gates.

WinnieFosterReads · 17/01/2023 06:55

Flamingopinko · 16/01/2023 23:18

Op I think some of the replies here are from people outside of the uk. It’s absolutely right that in our primary schools the children are walked into the school to their classes. I was settling my children inside the classroom and helping them with their things up to the end of yr 2. It’s completely unreasonable to expect a child of just 5 to go in alone - it just never happened in our school.

Lots of schools in the UK don't let parents into classrooms because they view it as a security risk to have unbadged adults in the school building. Instead parents handover to a teacher/TA in the playground/at a drop-off zone/at a gate. You need to sign-in at reception to enter any of the schools our DCs have attended.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2023 07:16

Felix01 · 17/01/2023 04:16

YANBU but you need to pay for breakfast club , it's a lot to expect your friends to drop off DC every morning.

Read
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Ops
Posts

It isn't every morning. It isn't even every morning between her friends. This is the first time in over a month this friend has done it.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2023 07:20

Everyonehasavoice · 17/01/2023 03:28

We all love to do our friends favours from ‘time to time’ but as so many posts before it is wearing. Sometimes it’s actually up to the person accepting the favour to start realising that’s it’s too much and just not fare.

Your friend probably doesn’t want to admit that they are fed up being a dogs body

By taking her friends kid in 2 minutes from school once a month at most? And having childcare reciprocated in exchange?

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2023 07:27

Everyonehasavoice · 17/01/2023 02:59

I think this has been a wake up call for both parents to realise they need to drop their own kids off at school if they want piece of mind that he/she has actually arrived safely.
It really is the only way to go.
Having children impacts on parents work, school hours do not allow parents to drop off at 7am, get to work for 8/9 ..work all day to 6pm and then back to pick up kids at 7/8pm. You either need young non working grandparents, paid staff or a magic wand.

Expecting other parents to ‘do you a favour’ never works

She has an arrangement with a responsible adult to do it on this occasion, paid or unpaid. So by your logic young grandparents or paid staff wouldn't be any safer because its only guaranteed if they do it themselves. If she can't trust a friend who's happy to do it and usually has no issues, why would she be able to trust a childminder or a grandparent, or any childcare ever? Perhaps she should home school too just to ensure that it's done?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/01/2023 07:40

It was a mistake. It’s easily done especially if she doesn’t normally drop off your DS and he’s run off to play. She obviously had a brain but no harm done. My mum once left my baby sister sat in her pram at the corner shops, she stopped to look at the cards and then walked home without her because she temporarily forgot she had taken her with her! She only remembered when she got home (a few minute walk) and my neighbour in the front garden asked where the baby was! My mum was mortified but it’s a funny family story now!

berksandbeyond · 17/01/2023 07:42

Time to get a childminder to do the drop off or change your work schedule. It’s not fair on anyone to rely on other people this much

WonderingWanda · 17/01/2023 07:45

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:21

Well no she was with her kids and they all go to different classes. So she didn’t take him to his class. He’s 5 he needs taking to class

When 5 year old leave their classrooms to go to the toilet or to go out to play they can find their own way back in, I don't see why he wouldn't have just followed her into school and run off to his classroom. I think the other friend who 'saw' this is stirring a bit. It's not like he was left down the street.

kittensinthekitchen · 17/01/2023 07:46

I can't get past this having to escort kids to the classroom door.

Are these doors external, or inside the school? If inside, and there are potentially hundreds of parents milling around in the morning, trying to sort kids, vying for teachers attentions, isn't that a massive security risk??

PugInTheHouse · 17/01/2023 07:53

kittensinthekitchen · 17/01/2023 07:46

I can't get past this having to escort kids to the classroom door.

Are these doors external, or inside the school? If inside, and there are potentially hundreds of parents milling around in the morning, trying to sort kids, vying for teachers attentions, isn't that a massive security risk??

At my DCs school the classroom doors were directly accessed from the playground.

BubziOwl · 17/01/2023 08:16

There's some very miserable sorts on here. I think they are just angry other people have helpful friends and they don't 🤷‍♀️

is it really so alien to you lot to drop off a child at school two minutes away as a favour?!

berksandbeyond · 17/01/2023 08:20

BubziOwl · 17/01/2023 08:16

There's some very miserable sorts on here. I think they are just angry other people have helpful friends and they don't 🤷‍♀️

is it really so alien to you lot to drop off a child at school two minutes away as a favour?!

No I would happily do this as a favour to a friend. But it’s not a favour if she’s expecting it time after time after time…

MrsMiddleMother · 17/01/2023 08:23

I actually can't believe a lot of the answers on here and I hope to god non of their friends ever trust them with their children if they think this is acceptable!

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2023 08:47

This sounds like she genuinely forgot about your child. Your child did well to approach another parent for help. Mine wouldn't have done that, at age 5 as they were painfully shy. I think it was a nice arrangement, until it became a safe guarding issue. I'd put him into breakfast club, so you know he's always safe. Did your friend actually tell you that she forgot to take your child in, or did she keep quiet about it? Because I think you need to talk it through with her, so it doesn't affect your friendship.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 17/01/2023 09:52

WonderingWanda · 17/01/2023 07:45

When 5 year old leave their classrooms to go to the toilet or to go out to play they can find their own way back in, I don't see why he wouldn't have just followed her into school and run off to his classroom. I think the other friend who 'saw' this is stirring a bit. It's not like he was left down the street.

Show quote history

Yes but they are already IN school. Doors are closed and they are effectively locked in. Also, aren't as many adults milling about and it isnt as chaotic. Anyway it doesn't matter, the schools policy is that at drop off they are brought to their classrooms.
I don't think the friend was stirring at all I'd want to know this.
If a friend of yours saw negligence regarding your children/child/any family member are you saying you wouldn't want to know? I find that odd.
I find it really worrying some of the posts on here and thought processes.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 10:24

WonderingWanda · 17/01/2023 07:45

When 5 year old leave their classrooms to go to the toilet or to go out to play they can find their own way back in, I don't see why he wouldn't have just followed her into school and run off to his classroom. I think the other friend who 'saw' this is stirring a bit. It's not like he was left down the street.

Show quote history

Yeah and the school is locked and full of staff. Until dropping at the door with teacher the children are in the care of whomever is dropping them. If he had just rocked up to his classroom with no adult then I would have been phoned as a safeguarding issue

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 17/01/2023 10:37

@Bubblegirly it sounds like your school has a very different set up to ours. All our classrooms open onto the playground so kids just run to the doors once open. Only at reception did we have to go to the door and pass them over to the teacher. I'm not saying it was fine just that it seems to have been an accident and in your dc was ok because he was already at school so would have known (did know) where to go, as should most NT 5 year olds.

AlwaysAReason · 17/01/2023 10:54

kittensinthekitchen · 17/01/2023 07:46

I can't get past this having to escort kids to the classroom door.

Are these doors external, or inside the school? If inside, and there are potentially hundreds of parents milling around in the morning, trying to sort kids, vying for teachers attentions, isn't that a massive security risk??

Every primary school I know of requests parents to drop off at door. School will not be responsible for children on school premises before school hours begin (unless official breakfast club or similar)

SchoolTripDrama · 17/01/2023 10:57

SundaySundaySunday · 16/01/2023 20:25

She’s doing you a favour. Just don’t ask her again!

Wtf?! So because she was doing OP a favour, total neglect is perfectly acceptable "coz it's a favour"

NO.

SchoolTripDrama · 17/01/2023 11:01

CarolDunne · 16/01/2023 20:46

Surely at 5 he would know how to get to his class room?

All children around here are just dropped at the gate and find there own way in.

Not at 5 years old!! That's ludicrously neglectful! 5yr olds could easily wander off out another gate or be coerced by a stranger posing as another parent. Bloody hell