Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

@MysteryBelle · Today 22:12

Also, it is your responsibility to get your child to school and back safely which is why op arranged for a responsible adult to see him in. She didn't kick him out the door at 6 am with a stale bread crust.

You depend on all these other people to do it. they help each other out. It's called friendship.

But still, you can’t hand off your responsibilities to others and expect to get exactly the results you want. if you ask someone to be responsible for your child, and they CHOOSE TO SAY YES,, you should be able to expect that child to have basic care and supervision. This isn't "I like to sing to him in French on the way on and friend only talked about dinosaurs". She AGREED to keep him safe and she didn't. Op is entitled to be peeved.

Why would it mean they can get into the building?

It sounds like OP's school is the same/similar to my children's. There are the main gates to the school grounds which are on the street adjacent to a busy road. These gates are not supervised by staff. I imagine it's somewhere like this that OP's child was left, unsupervised. Parents walk their children through these gates and at our school they follow the path round the building, still unsupervised, and stop at the correct yard depending which year their child is in. They then wait on the playground, supervising their own child, until the class teachers come outside and the children line up to go in. Parents generally wait until they've seen their child go in before they leave. Times are slightly staggered for different year groups to allow parents with multiple children to get round to the different yards. There is no school supervision until the children are lined up with their class teacher. No random people can access the building.

It sounds like it was a genuine mistake. You aren’t going to know the full story unless you ask her.
Personally I paid a childminder as I preferred that my children were with the same person each day. I know it’s not that simple though.

Which is fine of that's the rules, it is at mine mostly, but it isn't for OP so leaving a kid standing on the pavement isn't OK. Great that you'd be OK with yours being left there but at ops school they have to be handed over adult to adult

Oh well. Let's just not bother then!

You think her being 'sick of it' (maybe) doesn't require a proper conversation rather than doing what she said she'd do, properly?

But the OP's school is different

See, the solution, which is your h is going to do drop off now is what you should have done in the first place. So I was correct, you and h as the parents are responsible for your own children’s safety instead of passing it on to other people. And you’re admitting that since you are now getting h to do it. You said you rearranged your hours for dc but the very thing your child needs you for, to drop him off, you are not available, so moot point of rearranging. I was just answering your question. Just logic, no need to get emotional.

I'd not be OK with this but I wouldn't have ever agreed to this type of arrangement. School would have notified you had he not turned up but still, it isn't OK. I'd speak to her though, tell her mistakes happen but you aren't comfortable with her dropping your child to school and will look for a different arrangement.

Ops child doesn't need his mother to drop him off. Or his father. He needs a responsible adult. Op has an arrangement with her ADULT friends around sharing childcare. Which Inc's a couple of days a week friends grabbing DS as they walk past her house and seeing him in. He isn't some poor neglected wretch whose mother prioritises cash over his safety. He's a cared for little boy who's Mom has a usually supportive network of friends who help each other out.

When my twins were teeny and new, my friend would often walk DS a mile to school with her child. She never dumped him at the traffic lights or down the alley or at the bridge. She paid the same care and love as she did to her own child. Because she's my friend. She knows any time she wants her child picking up or dropping off I will do it if I can. She works lunchtimes at the school so knows if she gets home and she's tired, esp now she's pregnant, ill get her child. And when my buggy broke she got a lift in our taxi and helped me shepherd all our kids out safely. And if I want to walk the toddlers home she's have a set of reins and help. And if she goes into labour I'll collect her child, feed her and keep her until someone can fetch her. Because we're friends. You should try getting some nicer ones if you can't understand that.

How many more times?

The SCHOOL procedure is to take the child to their classroom

Doesn't matter what you expect. The OP's school does it this way.

I mean honestly he life's 2 minutes away, I'm amazed no one suggested he just walks himself all the way.

Even with us dropping at gates, if school thought there wasn't an adult it would raise a concern
Children have to be "handed over" to an adult, in our case hethe head teacher on the school gate.

A 5 yo walking themselves in when everyone else is walked in would flag a safeguarding concern

I work and I pay for childcare.

Some of these replies are just obtuse.

Group of friends in a mutual childcare arrangement to facilitate each others' work, appointments etc. This sounds good to me, as long as it's working which today it hasn't. The friend clearly let your DS down. When I'm responsible for someone else's five year old I make bloody sure they get to where they should be going. In the case of the OP's school, the system is that the younger children are taken to the classroom door so it's undeniable that friend got it wrong. We all make mistakes but it's the fact she laughed it off which shows that she's cavalier about the safety and comfort of the child.

ignore the idiots op it doesnt matter what other schools do this school you walok child to class

the woman is so lax she didnt realise till nearly pick up that she didnt take ops child in

who does that

OP well done to your boy. Some schools have different rules of dropping and picking up kids. My son is in year 4 and aged 8 and we still have to go inside the school gate and drop the kids at the entrance and if you are early you have to wait into the play ground until the bell goes to let them in and that’s when we are allowed to leave even the parents of year 5 children as to do the same. The school does not allow unsupervised children in the playground and the main entrance gate is from the busy road. I also help my 2 friends to drop off and pick up sometimes and they help me too. I don’t understand why people are bashing OP about having her friends helping her

Agree

She probably went into auto pilot and forgot. Not ideal at all, but I'd cut your friend some slack. He got to his class in the end so no real harm done. I bet your friend won't make the same mistake again and she clearly felt awful otherwise she wouldn't have called your other friend to check. Yes, she laughed it off so to not cause a big fuss, but I bet she felt terrible inside.

I can't believe some people on here are suggesting you defriend her - how nasty!!

...especially as she was doing you a favour.

I quite agree. I used to help out other mum friends occasionally, and they helped me too. It isn’t a bother when you’re going to the school anyway. (It would be if it was one-sided but it’s clear from the OP that this isn’t the case here.)

The one thing that really gets to me is that the friend’s response was to laugh it off and not even own up to the OP. That’s the thing that would really hurt me. I would have been absolutely horrified if I’d been in that position, and very apologetic, and I wouldn’t understand that response at all.

The only proviso is, is this behaviour out of character? If she’s a helpful friend generally (and it sounds like a supportive friendship group), then I might wonder whether there’s something going on with her that you don’t know about

Even on this thread, a few posters think it’s OK for a 5 year old to be alone unsupervised before school. I personally do not, I do think it’s a safeguarding risk. However OP one thing I’ve learnt is that other parents / adults don’t have the same safeguarding approach, some are I think fairly lax. I’ve learnt that you cannot assume anything with other parents, unless you’ve observed them a bit and know how they are as a parent.

Because of that I’ve been extremely careful about who minds my child. Including friends and relations.

Tough one OP. I'd probably struggle to be her friend tbh, maybe try and keep a distance for a bit and given you want to remain friend start to rebuild once you've had a chance to cool off. Obviously don't let them take your DC again. How scary, hope you are ok, I would be really upset about this but at least the other friend was there and DC is fine

I get it OP my son 6 and needs walking to the door. There is a metal fence with a for everyone to go through then entrances to classrooms. Kids generally play outside their area a few minutes prior to school but I've seen lots dropped off and left too early and have had to stop one or two running out into the road after a stray football.
I don't so much take my son and physically hand him over, I stay till its time to go in then wait until I've seen him walk in through the door.

I think this has been a wake up call for both parents to realise they need to drop their own kids off at school if they want piece of mind that he/she has actually arrived safely.
It really is the only way to go.
Having children impacts on parents work, school hours do not allow parents to drop off at 7am, get to work for 8/9 ..work all day to 6pm and then back to pick up kids at 7/8pm. You either need young non working grandparents, paid staff or a magic wand.

Expecting other parents to ‘do you a favour’ never works

Yes this exactly. Well said.

Well then, she should say she can't do it - she shouldn't just leave him ffs