“Hard, isn’t it?”

[mymycherrypie]

AIBU to find this response to someone talking about their hardship (bereavement in this case but applicable to all) condescending and a little patronising.

My friend who often has something going on and is always in the middle of a large drama or legal issue - usually of her own making - said this to a mutual friend who had recently lost someone. I felt for him somehow, something inside me cringed.

I’ve thought about it and it’s the kind of been there done that aspect of it. There’s a few responses that are similar but I can’t think of them right now.

Most aren't very good at talking to the recently bereaved.

I felt like it’s like comparing it to whatever petty grievance she had going on at the moment. It’s the “isn’t it?” almost like now you know how it feels.

You are reading way too much into it

It's not great, though it depends how it's said to some extent, but then almost anything can be the wrong thing to say to that specific person at that specific time.

It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back with this person, like shes done things before to piss you off already.

I agree with you. Some people just always have to have the worst story to tell. Isnt it sounds like a challenge.

I think it can be quite validating but only if you’ve experienced the same. So for example if your mother died at a young age and then you meet someone who’s mother also died when they were young. Hard isn’t it? …. Is a perfectly normal thing to say. It is fucking hard because I know about it sort of thing.

Are you referring to someone who doesn’t actually know how hard it is because they haven’t been through it? Yes that would be annoying.

Did you hear the whole conversation?

Yes and whenever you bring up anything at all, it’s the same kind of response. There’s always a subtle tone of mmm hard for you, but always remember it’s hard for me.

Then I was thinking generally that any kind of comparison of grief is probably inappropriate.

I think you just don't like the woman tbh

I think you just don't like this person - your tone about her indicates that you don't believe she's actually sincere - and therefore you're determined to think the worst of her.

Knowing exactly what to say to say to someone who's going through grief is difficult. "It's hard, isn't it" sounds like something a normal person would say to try and show empathy for their situation.

Yes it’s this. Especially as her “isn’t it” is usually some school gate drama she’s concocted.

It depends on the tone she used.

Bereavement IS hard and when I've been in that situation, I would rather people acknowledged that, especially if they've been through it themselves.

When my FIL died lots of people were very well-meaning and kind but honestly, after all the people telling us he'd live in our memories and wasn't it good that it was quick and he didn't suffer and so on, I was incredibly grateful to one of my friends when she said 'Oh, mate, I'm so sorry - it really is absolutely shit, isn't it?'

I think your reading too much into this. She's not exactly laughing about the person's loss

That's why I'm intrigued as to what the full conversation may have been. Grief is a near universal experience for us humans and I can imagine a person saying this to someone in a similar bereavement situation as a way of saying showing that they understand the awfulness of it all.

Obviously context is everything here.

I think you could get far more insensitive responses to a bereavement. Maybe she has lost people close to her, so actually does know how hard it is?

I agree, I think if there had been a softener ie I’m so sorry, then the comparison - that part makes it sound more sympathetic. She was straight in with hard isn’t it.

No but always bringing it back to her own hardship and subtly turning someone’s bereavement in to an opportunity to garner more sympathy is also annoying.

You're not the arbiter of whether this person's grief is genuine or not. You don't like her and you've already made your mind up about the comment, so why even bother posting?

How do you know she doesn't know how it feels?

I don't know, at least she acknowledged the person's pain. I've experienced bereavements and the 'life goes on', 'just get on with things' or even worse, the people that say nothing at all, were all far worse in my opinion.

I think the worst part about your posts (that are getting more and more horrible about this woman) is that you've called her a 'friend'.

I hope you're not letting her believe that?

The phrase itself is fine. But this person sounds a bit of an arsehole overall.

Then I was thinking generally that any kind of comparison of grief is probably inappropriate.

Because of this bit. I was thinking generally that really just saying I’m sorry and keeping the other persons feelings in mind rather than trying to compare situations. Mutual friend had to say yes I’m sorry about your (whatever the latest drama was) too.

Yep this