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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Hard, isn’t it?”

103 replies

mymycherrypie · 16/01/2023 16:54

AIBU to find this response to someone talking about their hardship (bereavement in this case but applicable to all) condescending and a little patronising.

My friend who often has something going on and is always in the middle of a large drama or legal issue - usually of her own making - said this to a mutual friend who had recently lost someone. I felt for him somehow, something inside me cringed.

I’ve thought about it and it’s the kind of been there done that aspect of it. There’s a few responses that are similar but I can’t think of them right now.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 16/01/2023 17:25

I’ve voted YABU as I’ve probably said this a few times.

But I guess she has the sort of annoying personality where she has to spin it back into her.
So I can totally see why it would annoy you.

StridTheKiller · 16/01/2023 17:25

Friend? You're no friend to this lady.

ferneytorro · 16/01/2023 17:26

mymycherrypie · 16/01/2023 17:09

Yes and whenever you bring up anything at all, it’s the same kind of response. There’s always a subtle tone of mmm hard for you, but always remember it’s hard for me.

Then I was thinking generally that any kind of comparison of grief is probably inappropriate.

It sounds more like a terminating cliche ie phrase that means nothing but stops the conversation.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/01/2023 17:27

God, no wonder people feel uncomfortable talking to the bereaved or about any feelings really, when so many are eager to run all your words through a filter scanning for offense.

Original poster
mymycherrypie · 16/01/2023 17:28

Im starting to agree with those saying she isn’t a friend. I’ll take that, I don’t think she is a friend to me anymore, nor me to her. Over the last year I’ve seen more and more that no matter what’s going on with anyone else she will have it worse and this one set my teeth on edge.

OP posts:
Headabovetheparakeet · 16/01/2023 17:28

@mymycherrypie

I don't agree that 'I'm sorry' is a better thing to say than 'it's hard, isn't it?' The latter does invite the person to share their feelings if they want to.

Thatiswild · 16/01/2023 17:28

I know exactly what you mean, I have two people in my life who do this and in this situation I’d find it very annoying.

Conkersinautumn · 16/01/2023 17:33

I think I get your irritation. I've a friend who constantly over shares and on all social media, I think everyone is very aware of her multiple struggles. I don't even lack sympathy but something in me flipped recently when she said something like "cant be that bad" after I'd casually referred to having had a bad experience (no detail asked for either) - literally a change of circumstances. It feels one way and weirdly she's trying to bring it all back to her. I hope she picks up soon, but I can feel myself pulling away now.

Suzi89 · 16/01/2023 17:33

YANBU OP. Some people make everything about themselves.

AlwaysCountYourPennies · 16/01/2023 17:34

Context is everything.
I've recently been bereaved and a few people have said it to me, in each case I know they have also been through a similar bereavement.
To me it was an acknowledgement that they understood. I found it comforting, far better than those who wanted to wallow in my grief telling me how sad the situation was!!!

EvilMorty · 16/01/2023 17:36

I’m sorry, how are you? That could also open the conversation about how the person was feeling, without steering the conversation away from the other person and towards yourself.

RicherThanYews · 16/01/2023 17:37

In my experience, it is best to avoid mentioning your own grief or experience with loss unless you are actively invited to offer your perspective as someone who has walked the road. Otherwise it does make someone else's pain about you and its a fucked up thing to do.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 16/01/2023 17:37

mymycherrypie · 16/01/2023 16:59

I felt like it’s like comparing it to whatever petty grievance she had going on at the moment. It’s the “isn’t it?” almost like now you know how it feels.

Unless she's a rare individual who has NEVER lost someone she loves then yes, she quite likely will know how it feels.

Random789 · 16/01/2023 17:38

I was ready to disagree with you, based on the thread title. But then I realised it wasn't the words themselves that you were objecting to, but your knowledge of the attitude and subtle communications of the person who spoke them.

Yes, if there is an undercurrent of 'Your hardship is no worse than mine and may indeed be less - and if the hearer is in a position to perceive that undercurrent - then it isn't genuinely an act of empathy or consolation. Or, if it is, it's also tinged with something self-regarding.

But on the other hand, think about how someone must be feeling in order to repeatedly attempt to upstage other people's suffering. Perhaps they feel unheard, or that no-one really understands or cares about their problems. It would still annoy the hell out of me, but if I knew the person well enough I would be tempted to try to raise the issue in a moderately compassionate way. I would want to reassure them that I had heard and understood their repeated claims to sympathy so that they didn't need to treat other people's problems as a cue for gesturing at their own difficulties.

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 17:44

It seems like a fairly innocuous comment to me. I would take the “isn’t it” to be an attempt at showing understanding of the situation, not at attempt to compete.

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 17:46

I never know what to say!

Benjispruce4 · 16/01/2023 17:47

Perhaps they have also experienced a similar bereavement. When my DM died I found it helpful to speak to others that had been there. It gave me hope that I would be able to carry on.

OneMorePlant · 16/01/2023 17:47

mymycherrypie · 16/01/2023 17:28

Im starting to agree with those saying she isn’t a friend. I’ll take that, I don’t think she is a friend to me anymore, nor me to her. Over the last year I’ve seen more and more that no matter what’s going on with anyone else she will have it worse and this one set my teeth on edge.

People like this are just emotional vampires. It's always about them and it's always depressing and dramatic.

If I notice someone is like that I distance myself now. I used to feel bad for them and try to support but I realised these people will always create problems and just can't be happy and they need to drag everyone down with them. They are exhausting and you can't just count on them at all.

User4775433 · 16/01/2023 17:49

I don't actually see the problem with what she said. You only think she is somehow making it about herself because of your low opinion of her, and if you are getting to the point of cringing inwardly at her then it is definitely time to think about ending this friendship, for both your sake. I cringed at people when I was a teenager a lot, so I know that feeling. I don't do it as an adult though. People can be awkward or embarrassing but I am as bad as everyone else!

Lujia22 · 16/01/2023 17:50

I don't know, I've heard worse. In her defence she might feel like she can relate somehow and didn't mean any harm. You come across quite judgemental tbh

ReneBumsWombats · 16/01/2023 17:51

I think the delivery and tone of voice would make a huge difference.

Stockcleandemon · 16/01/2023 17:57

To me - bereaved twice in the last two years - it’s an entirely reasonable thing to say - it’s true! How it’s delivered though could change the meaning entirely

Maytodecember · 16/01/2023 17:59

Within days of DP dying in a road accident I had “ I know how you feel, my cat died” and best ( well, worst really) from someone who claimed to be trained as a counsellor “ don’t be surprised if his family blame you, because he was driving home to you when it happened and if you hadn’t got together….well…( shrug) ”

Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 17:59

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 16/01/2023 18:01

Depends context is king ;

its hard isn't it...... don't forget I've been through this and I'm here for you

its hard isn't it..... don't forget you're not alone, I'm in the same boat and happy to share boats

it's hard, isn't it...... don't forget meeeeeeeeeeeee I need support, it's not all about you