“Hard, isn’t it?”

[mymycherrypie]

AIBU to find this response to someone talking about their hardship (bereavement in this case but applicable to all) condescending and a little patronising.

My friend who often has something going on and is always in the middle of a large drama or legal issue - usually of her own making - said this to a mutual friend who had recently lost someone. I felt for him somehow, something inside me cringed.

I’ve thought about it and it’s the kind of been there done that aspect of it. There’s a few responses that are similar but I can’t think of them right now.

You sound a bit too involved OP. I'm not saying she is a good person, or not, nobody here has the first clue but I can't see anything wrong in what she's said on that occasion. It wouldn't have offended me and frankly sounds a whole lot better than some of the things people often do (intentionally or not) come out with when confronted with a bereaved person.

You obviously feel differently, and have a number of opinions on the details of her personal life, as well as are saying her problems are of her own making etc, which isn't overly charitable or necessary. If you don't like her don't socialise with her, but what she says to other people is her business and how it's received by someone else is for them to form an opinion on and comment on should they wish to. What's the need to pick it apart.

To be honest I prefer it to phrases like “it’s hard now but it will get better” or “you’ll get through this” when’s someone’s died.

Im not too fussed about “it’s hard isn’t it” unless it’s then followed by a long story of the persons own loss because when you’re just hit with the news of someone close to you passing, no one really wants to hear “it’s hard isn’t it, when MY grandpa died…..”

Theres not really a right thing to say. I’m much happier when someone just says “It’s so shit. I’m here for you”.

I think the tone matters. I can see this line being delivered in an empathetic way but also in an uncaring way.

Depends how it is said tbh.

There is nothing wrong with empathy, I assume even if your friend is dramatic that she probably understands the pain in losing someone. It’s one way to say that your other friend is not alone because losing someone is hard, most of us learn that at some point but it helps to know that people come out the other side too. Some people are rubbish with dealing with bereavement, some will comfort by linking to their own experiences to show understanding. It’s a hard topic for anyone to manage because there isn’t a right or wrong answer.

It very much implies the person saying it has had the same experience so lost a person of same relationship. If said to someone losing their mum it definitely implies the person saying it has also. In that case it sounds understanding to me.
but in op case it’s just wrong.

I think a lot of it depends on tone and context.

I get that you find her irritating and this may be with good reason, but I'm not sure this eg is really a good 'gotcha' moment. Most adults will have experienced bereavement and she may well be sincerely sympathising from the position of having experienced a similar loss.

I'd start a new hobby, OP

Please don't ever call this person your "friend" again OP. I dread to think how hurt they'd be if they knew how hard you were searching for an echo chamber on the internet to bitch about them and cherry-picking the responses that back you up.

Im not surprised that nobody ever wants to talk to the bereaved. For context Folks, my dads response to my dear king mummy death six weeks ago was a brief text saying “my condolences”

any acknowledgment is welcome. Most people, in the deep fog of grief would not be prissy and easily offended. Nothing is more hurtful than bereavement.

"Is that what he said?"................

It all depends on context and tone.

I might say this to someone if I knew them well and they therefore also knew I had had bereavement. Otherwise no.

I think it depends who it's coming from.

For me, a fellow parent who has experienced child loss, perfectly fine. They know what they are talking about and that's all the acknowledgement and understanding needed. Someone who has never experienced such a loss, I just think, "You haven't got a clue just how hard." Someone with a loss that isn't equivalent (95 year old grandma or cat vs. child), they get it but not in the same way, so a bit mixed there.

So I think sometimes it can be all that needs to be said but it depends on context. Other times it might be just a platitude.

It's better than "I don't know what to say". Several people said that to teenage me at my brother's funeral.

"I don't know what to say", then they'd stand there, silently. I felt like saying "well if you're looking to me to come up with something to fill the silence, forget it. It's all I can do to breathe in and out".

I don't see anything wrong really with what she said,

All she was doing was showing Solidarity with a fellow human being that Life can Be Shit /a Bastard when you lose someone Speacial to you,and your family.

That's it ,

Why make a big issue about something Op,

Not everyone is a expert at emotional intelligence saying perfect thing all the time like you Op, seem to think you are.!

Bereavement is by its very nature a very emotional charged subject to Express right thing,

As long as it was nothing ofTfensive, in any way,

Then it's Ok

It's like you are nit picking about this person , that you obviously do not like or gets under your skin in irritating way
🙄

"That is hard for you" would be better!

You really don’t like her, do you?

We all know people who make everything about them, no matter what the subject; they're tolerable until you reach around 45/50, when you realise life's just too short.

Breathtaking. I’m so sorry. It’s hard to understand the mentality that would formulate that pile of offensive garbage.

It is not an insensitive response. It is hard to know what to say as you can never take away that person's pain.

While it may not be the best thing to say, it is by far not the worst. Let this one go. It isn't worth mulling over.

I have to say I have a friend that does this, she doesn’t cause her issues, but shit does seem to find her… I try to be as supportive as possible … but when similar things happen to me I do get met with comments like ‘hard isn’t it’ or ‘join the club’, or ‘I told you it was hard work’…

my friend isn’t nasty though, just uses her own stuff as a way of saying ‘I know’..

If your friend now irritates you, I’d say maybe it’s time to stand with different people, distance yourself slowly but surely…. If she causes drama I wouldn’t want to be associated with her … if she’s a gossip for example, people will think you also must be. Slowly step away OP, just a polite smile and hello as you walk past her…

I think people feel awkward when faced with this situation and don’t really know what to say… they probably walk away and kick themselves and think WTF did I say that for?!? Or maybe they don’t think and just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind…
The counsellors comment was odd though hey?! Not like you’d rowed and he’d stormed off then crashed, or you’d given him alcohol and then asked him to pop out for some shopping ..
ine of my friends lost her partner reasonably suddenly - in that he felt ill and was due to see a
doctor but died before the day of the appointment…years later her new partner had a car accident but was ok…. Her mother made some inappropriate comment about it being a good job he hadn’t died or people would call her the black widow!!!! People can be so dumb… I don’t think they mean to be nasty most of the time x
sorry for your loss,

I agree. To me it sounds like someone has also experienced grief..in a similar way to something you might sayvto eg a new parent "yes, its exhausting isn't it".