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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 65th birthday is not a Big Special one?

124 replies

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 10:35

Fil has messaged dh saying Mil's birthday is coming up and its a big one. It is worded like he expects us to buy something expensive like a weekend away for them or something. They seem to think every 5 years is a big important birthday for them. They have also never done anything or bought us bigger presents on our 30th.
AIBU to think 65th is not that important and they certainly don't get to try to say what we buy for them. Especially something expensive given the cost of living at the moment and we have also just had a baby and have the extra expensive of that.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/01/2023 10:40

It is worded like he expects us to buy something expensive like a weekend away for them or something

Unless they've specifically said that then ignore. If they have specifically said that then what are they expecting and is it reasonable? and no, 65th isn't that special. Personally if someone says to me they expect a present, let alone an expensive one, I don't have a problem ignoring their wishes unless I've asked them what they want.

R00tat00tt00t · 16/01/2023 10:43

I think traditionally most people retired at 65 so it would be a "big" birthday in the sense that it was the start of retirement and enjoying a life with greater freedom? I suppose it depends on whether she works or not and whether she is due to retire? He maybe doesn't mean that you need to give a bigger present, just letting you know that it's a significant birthday in case you weren't aware/forget?

Dinodigger · 16/01/2023 10:43

65 is historically a special one as it was once retirement age.

RedRiverShore3 · 16/01/2023 10:44

I am 65 soon and didn't think it was anything special but it used to be a man's retirement age so perhaps special in the past for men

Coffeecreme · 16/01/2023 10:47

not as big as a 60th or a 70th but whatever,
are you going for a meal ?

BigMadAdrian · 16/01/2023 10:47

I remember having exactly the same thought when my mil wanted a big fuss for turning 65. It used to be retirement age for men, so I can understand it being a bigger deal than 60 or 70 for them, but is not a big birthday for women, as they traditionally retired at 60! Is it 67 for everyone now? I've lost track.

RaininSummer · 16/01/2023 10:48

That's it really isn't it. 65 used to be special but now I guess it is supplanted by whatever retirement age is if they are working. Must admit that 67 doesn't have much of a ring to it but will definitely be an age worth celebrating for me if I make it to retirement. Just get them whatever you normally would.

Coffeecreme · 16/01/2023 10:48

a couple of colleagues turend 65 and we didnt do anythign special.
it sounds special but it isnt as special as something with a zero on the end.

RedRiverShore3 · 16/01/2023 10:51

BigMadAdrian · 16/01/2023 10:47

I remember having exactly the same thought when my mil wanted a big fuss for turning 65. It used to be retirement age for men, so I can understand it being a bigger deal than 60 or 70 for them, but is not a big birthday for women, as they traditionally retired at 60! Is it 67 for everyone now? I've lost track.

Mine is 66, I'm 64 now, but I think it is only people in their 60s that it is 66, no one is 65 now

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 10:51

I don’t think anything ending with a 5 is a big birthday generally. My dad had a big 65th but that was because it was retirement.

Kitkatcatflap · 16/01/2023 10:55

I would say retirement would be a big one but surely that's a workplace thing?

I have noticed that some people have tried to shoe horn '5's' into the big birthday celebrations. A bit grabby if you ask me.

JenniferBarkley · 16/01/2023 10:57

I think 65 is like 21 - it might not necessarily mean retirement any more but traditionally it's a milestone. We've had big celebrations for 65ths for our parents and done nothing for 60 and 70. We're Irish so maybe it's a cultural difference but I wouldn't think so.

CaptainCorellisXylophone · 16/01/2023 10:57

Birthdays after you are a child do not require big presents and general frenzy. If you and your friends want to throw a party or go out to celebrate that's all good, if not that's also fine.

bruffin · 16/01/2023 10:59

BigMadAdrian · 16/01/2023 10:47

I remember having exactly the same thought when my mil wanted a big fuss for turning 65. It used to be retirement age for men, so I can understand it being a bigger deal than 60 or 70 for them, but is not a big birthday for women, as they traditionally retired at 60! Is it 67 for everyone now? I've lost track.

It did change to 65 for a while

darjeelingrose · 16/01/2023 11:02

R00tat00tt00t · 16/01/2023 10:43

I think traditionally most people retired at 65 so it would be a "big" birthday in the sense that it was the start of retirement and enjoying a life with greater freedom? I suppose it depends on whether she works or not and whether she is due to retire? He maybe doesn't mean that you need to give a bigger present, just letting you know that it's a significant birthday in case you weren't aware/forget?

I don't think that's right, or at least it can't be that traditional, it hasn't been 65 for everybody for all that long.

darjeelingrose · 16/01/2023 11:03

Sorry, not even 65 then, just read other answers. It's just a number that ends in five!

WandaWonder · 16/01/2023 11:05

Just do what you were planning on doing, I don't go in for these coded mind game messages

If the fil wants a fuss he can make one himself, if your husband wants to himself too that is up to him personally

Iloveacurry · 16/01/2023 11:12

Get DH to tell them he’s still waiting for his 30th birthday present ….

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 16/01/2023 11:16

I think it's probably a big deal for that generation, my mum is 10 years older and 65 was a big deal to her, bigger than her 60th. It used to mark the end of your working life and the start of a new phase. It's not the same for us as society has changed and we all retire at different ages, many people continue working in some capacity after retirement etc so it's not a clear cut milestone any more.

So I do think YABU to think it's not a big deal, although I sympathise if she's someone who regularly wants a big deal made of her.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 16/01/2023 11:16

CaptainCorellisXylophone · 16/01/2023 10:57

Birthdays after you are a child do not require big presents and general frenzy. If you and your friends want to throw a party or go out to celebrate that's all good, if not that's also fine.

Fun sponge alert. How about people do what makes them happy?

DoorstoManual · 16/01/2023 11:17

When I was 51, I didn’t think I would make 52, aggressive H&N cancer, stubborn bugger that I am, I am 59 this year, with a side order of breast cancer thrown in in the middle I will be delighted to live long enough to draw my state pension.

Long winded way of saying, ignore them, the pleasure belongs to me and my DH and DS and there is no need for a fuss. I would give them a voucher for the Ivy or similar and be done with it.

Weekend away, he can jog on COLC or not.😡

Happin · 16/01/2023 11:17

I think once you get to 60 every 5 years is a big one. You'll see cards in the shops mirroring similar. 18th, 21st, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 65th, 70th, 75th.....

But no they absolutely don't get to tell you what you're buying or how much you're spending!

Georgeskitchen · 16/01/2023 11:20

What is it with these older parents expecting their adult children to spend huge amounts on their birthdays? Particularly if they are raising young families?
I have 4 adult children, 2 raising children, one trying to get on the property ladder. A card and a box of chocs/bottle of wine is more than adequate in my view. Maybe a little more on a 60th/70th

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 11:20

Buying her a 'weekend away' is a pretty big inference on the op's part if the FIL didn't actually say that. Is it not enough just to visit her?

mrsm43s · 16/01/2023 11:20

I would consider 65 a milestone birthday, but I wouldn't consider 30 to be one.

For me the milestone birthdays would be 18, 21, 50, 65, 80 (and probably every year after 80!)

I guess it depends person to person and family to family.