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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 65th birthday is not a Big Special one?

124 replies

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 10:35

Fil has messaged dh saying Mil's birthday is coming up and its a big one. It is worded like he expects us to buy something expensive like a weekend away for them or something. They seem to think every 5 years is a big important birthday for them. They have also never done anything or bought us bigger presents on our 30th.
AIBU to think 65th is not that important and they certainly don't get to try to say what we buy for them. Especially something expensive given the cost of living at the moment and we have also just had a baby and have the extra expensive of that.

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 16/01/2023 14:58

Surely its irrelevant whether its a big birthday or not, no one has the right to tell anyone they need to spend more on presents regardless. We always celebrate all birthdays, we tend to spend more on big birthdays for my parents but for instance if we can afford it but my brother can't then he would contribute what he is able to and we would still give a joint gift. They certainly wouldn't expect anything though.

Your ILs don't sound like nice people, get your DH to speak to them and say that you can't buy an expensive present.

Sooze58 · 16/01/2023 17:07

I was 65 last week and apart from feeling decidedly old, I didn’t think it was special, nor would I expect a special present! We all went out for a meal but that’s a pretty standard thing on a birthday for us!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/01/2023 17:14

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 11:43

Fil considered 60 to be really important too and the 80 pounds Joseph Joseph set we got for Mil was not good enough.

60th is a big important birthday, 65 is not such a big deal but I think every birthday is celebrated. You and your families sound quite materialistic though, just because something cost £80 doesn’t mean it’s amazing. I prefer creating experiences and memories.

Waspsnbees · 16/01/2023 17:19

does anyone still retire at 65? both my parents retired at 70+ (they enjoyed their jobs)... i don't think i have anyone close to me that retired at 65. it's not special imo.
aside from that, don't let them dictate a gift or even a price-bracket. if you can only afford something small, get them that. i don't even give/receive 'big' presents on 'big' birthdays. small thoughtful gifts are perfect for adults imo.

girlfriend44 · 16/01/2023 17:23

I guess its special to them.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/01/2023 17:25

65 is a big birthday, but not necessarily in gift terms. Certainly they don't get to tell you what to give them!

PeachyPoppedBack · 16/01/2023 17:46

I think I understand the 65 thing, he’ll have been brought up in the ‘end of a working life’ cohort and things like that retain cultural significance.

He has no right to expect anything special though. I’m 50 this year and with cost of living / being born in DH’s busy season / etc don’t expect it to be much of a thing and that’s ok, I’d rather people prioritise their bills.

Leadbridge · 16/01/2023 17:49

Fil has messaged dh saying Mil's birthday is coming up and its a big one.

Fil considered 60 to be really important too and the 80 pounds Joseph Joseph set we got for Mil was not good enough.

Controlling and manipulative behaviour - I can only imagine the other issues you've had with them...emotionally immature?

65 used to be a special birthday, especially for me as that was the standard retirement age. Now is just another '5' birthday like 35 or 55.

Do you think they/she really wants the actual expensive gift or is it more than they can go around boasting about how much their children spent on their birthday and what a fuss was made about them (how loved/worshipped they are...). Just a thought. I'm guessing they could easily afford the weekend away themselves?

Leadbridge · 16/01/2023 17:49

oops Me = Men

Conkersinautumn · 16/01/2023 17:51

It's unreasonable to EXPECT a fuss of any sort. I'd be busy that day and send a card and a bunch of flowers, cfers

Findyourneutralspace · 16/01/2023 17:52

Every birthday is a special one! 🎉

CatA27 · 16/01/2023 17:59

My mum went to Venice for her 65th, me and my partner flew out and surprised her. She then insisted on paying for every meal and reimbursing us for our flights because she was so chuffed we were there 😍I also paid for my 50th birthday trip because it was what I wanted to do, I wouldn't expect anyone else to pay for it!

MrsAmaretto · 16/01/2023 18:05

OMG my inlaws are like this too. They’ve had massive parties for 60th, 65th and 70th birthdays plus one of the 70th was two weeks before a massive golden wedding shindig. They’ve never asked for specific presents though. We just have to buy special outfits, be there the whole weekend, they organise photographer for the party, decorations, massive cake etc

magicthree · 16/01/2023 18:19

It is here - NZ - as that's when national superannuation starts!!

Did FIL actually say he expected you to buy an expensive gift? I think turning 65 is more "special" than turning 30 btw

NewYearNewName2023 · 16/01/2023 18:40

But was considered retirement age for people who are turning 65 about now for a lot of their life.

Not for women.

LlynTegid · 16/01/2023 18:42

There is really only one 'big' birthday other than the day you enter the world, your 18th because you become an adult.

All the other 'big' birthday talk is just an attempt at getting you to spend more money.

Judijudi · 16/01/2023 18:44

mrsm43s · 16/01/2023 11:20

I would consider 65 a milestone birthday, but I wouldn't consider 30 to be one.

For me the milestone birthdays would be 18, 21, 50, 65, 80 (and probably every year after 80!)

I guess it depends person to person and family to family.

Exactly this ⬆️ When on earth did turning 30 become a thing!

Hbh17 · 16/01/2023 18:51

No birthday is "a special one" after 18! I don't think most sensible adults really care about their birthdays, whatever the number.

Ragwort · 16/01/2023 18:56

Your ILs sound rude and grabby ... surely no adult 'expects' an expensive birthday present. As it happens I will be 65 this year, I am not planning anything special but if I do arrange something it will be of my choosing and I will pay for any 'celebration' and make it absolutely clear that I do not want or expect any gifts.

PicaK · 16/01/2023 19:08

If someone I knew decided their birthday was special and was inviting me to share it then it could be 24th 33rd or 69.5 and I'd be there
Is it your time they want rather than your wallet cos that's what I took from his message.

TriceratopsRocks · 16/01/2023 19:19

When I was growing up, the two traditional 'big' birthdays that my (rather large) extended family celebrated were 21 and 65. Then 18 became more important than 21. Now retiring at 65 isn't a thing any more, that's no longer special either. It feels like it's been replaced by anything with a zero, really. Except 100. Tha't always been extra special, but obviously not that many people get that far.

ToWhitToWhoo · 16/01/2023 19:19

OTOH, I can't stand the whole concept of 'big' 'milestone' birthdays at least after the 18th. I think I even posted that on the thread about things that we'd like to ban! But that's really for myself: my transition from one age to another should be no one's business but mine, and I hate to have it treated as a subject for public celebration!

OTOH, if they are into the concept, they have the right to choose whatever ages they feel are special. 65 used to be the standard retirement age, so in that sense could be seen as special.

In any case, they should not be demanding expensive presents from you.

theGooHasGone · 16/01/2023 20:12

Do they not have any money of their own? I can't imagine demanding and expecting that people buy me expensive gifts for my birthday. How embarrassing.

It's the thought that counts and if they've forgotten that, it sounds like they could use a reminder!

Original poster
UsernameTalk · 17/01/2023 04:57

Controlling and manipulative behaviour - I can only imagine the other issues you've had with them...emotionally immature? Mil is very controlling, and for a while thought she is a narcissist. Beginning to think Fil might be a controlling narcissist too. Mil thinks she has a right to dictate everything her adult children do. Emotional blackmail and tantrums are common.

or is it more than they can go around boasting about how much their children spent on their birthday and what a fuss was made about them (how loved/worshipped they are.. this could be it, Mil loves boasting about things and talking about money and how much things cost.

I'm guessing they could easily afford the weekend away themselves? more than afford it

OP posts:
CohenTree · 17/01/2023 05:12

It used to be the age when men got their state pension! And most would retire at that age. So it's a blast from the past.