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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 65th birthday is not a Big Special one?

124 replies

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 10:35

Fil has messaged dh saying Mil's birthday is coming up and its a big one. It is worded like he expects us to buy something expensive like a weekend away for them or something. They seem to think every 5 years is a big important birthday for them. They have also never done anything or bought us bigger presents on our 30th.
AIBU to think 65th is not that important and they certainly don't get to try to say what we buy for them. Especially something expensive given the cost of living at the moment and we have also just had a baby and have the extra expensive of that.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 16/01/2023 12:14

Why do they expect you to be doing the spending. If they want to celebrate their birthdays in a big way that is up to them, but they can do the treating. As with other posters on here I had a ‘0’ birthday in the summer and I took the family away.

Original poster
UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 12:16

I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your in-laws' toxic behaviour Yeah it is, I have another thread on Mil's controlling behaviour. Fil is quite bad too like telling dh he needs a job that pays more and insinuating I may be a gold digger when moving in with dh (was probably Mil's doing though). Sil is like a mini Mil as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 12:18

I always wondered why 21 is a special one?

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 16/01/2023 12:19

I shall be 65 soon. My retirement age is 66.
My family are getting me a Colin Caterpillar cake and I am delighted with that!

( But when it was retirement age it was a much bigger thing)

MoggyP · 16/01/2023 12:19

It's what would have been the retirement age, and it's in the psyche for that reason.

Others ending in '5' no, I wouldn't think special. But this one is different, just like 21 is different from all others ending in '1'

FuzzyPuffling · 16/01/2023 12:22

21 used to be the age of acknowledged adulthood.

JenniferBarkley · 16/01/2023 12:22

For all that I agree 65 is a special birthday, I do think you need to be firm about your budget.

StopFeckingFaffing · 16/01/2023 12:26

Regardless of whether 65 is a 'big birthday' or not it sounds like FIL is being grabby and ungrateful

Surely as MIL's husband it is his role to organise and pay for a weekend away if he thinks that is what MIL deserves

Dynamics are obviously different from family to family but parents demanding expensive gifts from their adult DC for birthdays certainly isn't the norm in any family I know

Flatandhappy · 16/01/2023 12:28

21 used to be “coming of age”, now in most places it is 18 (although 21 is still legal drinking age in the US) so I can see why some people still think of it as special but I really don’t get 65 being a big birthday. To me big birthdays end with 0. I will be 60 this year and I consider it a “big birthday” although for me that means treating my family to something really special, not expecting them to treat me. Next big birthday will be 70.

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/01/2023 12:30

What does your SIL get them for these "big" birthdays?

What did she get for her own 30th?

MontageOfHeck · 16/01/2023 12:33

Apparently it’s a big deal…my MIL (with whom we have a strained relationship and haven’t seen much of for the past few years) said of her impending birthday the other day: “Well it’s a big one, sooooo….”, and I said “You’re not turning 70 are you?!”. She replied “No, it’s my 65th!” I felt awful, but I didn’t think 65 was a “big one” and I knew she’d had her 60th 🤦‍♀️

Ponderingwindow · 16/01/2023 12:34

65 is a milestone year.

that doesn’t mean you owe a weekend away. That is a ridiculous gift. I have plenty of money and I have never given a gift that extravagant to anyone other than my spouse or child. Even then it is rare and not something random. It’s because there was a particular gift or experience that was just perfect for them. I never spend just to spend.

a thoughtful gift for her 65th, regardless of cost, is more valuable than splashing out on a big present.

TrodOnLegoAgain · 16/01/2023 12:41

Up to them whether they consider it a big birthday.

Upmto you what you spending a present. They idea of an adult telling another adult they have to buy something expensive makes me cringe.

thecatsthecats · 16/01/2023 13:15

It's not being a fun sponge to expect people to throw their own parties past the age of 18. People can organise as many parties as they want, it's just kind of self-centered to demand someone else to celebrate you.

I like the Hobbit system - on your birthday, you give everyone else a gift and throw your own party.

Weddi · 16/01/2023 13:19

It used to be retirement age as someone else said so I think it was considered a big deal for a while. We made a big deal out of my DGM’s but she did also retire from teaching after 35 years at the same school at 65 so it was like a double whammy celebration.

fluffiphlox · 16/01/2023 13:20

I was 65 recently. I’m still working so didn’t expect anything special.

WhereIsMyRollingPin · 16/01/2023 13:35

We have told our adult DC very firmly that they are not to spend money on expensive presents for us for birthdays and Christmas. They have far better things to spend their money on and are saving for house deposits. £10 would be the absolute maximum.

I don't understand all this grabbiness at all. It feels like toddler behaviour, not that of an adult.

latetothefisting · 16/01/2023 13:43

I don't think it's particularly special - after 18 only birthdays ending in 0s are significant ones IMHO. Even 21 is a bit irrelevant now as its no longer linked to anything specific but could possibly justify celebrating 21 in lieu of 20 being "big."

Unless they specifically suggest you need to get her something expensive
I would completely ignore any hints/suggestions and just get something similar in cost to what you'd have got her for her 63rd/64th. It would take some pretty huge cheeky fuckery from them to say "oh we expected a bigger present"!

What's the worst that could happen? They don't get you anything big for your 35th/45th? Sounds like they wouldn't anyway so nbd!

latetothefisting · 16/01/2023 13:49

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 12:18

I always wondered why 21 is a special one?

It was the legal "age of majority" (for things like inheritance, marrying without parental permission etc.) for centuries. www.historic-uk.com/CultureUK/21st-Birthday-Key-Of-The-Door/

Even until 1994, 21 was the age of consent for gay sex.

GotAnyGrapez · 16/01/2023 13:51

I would just send a card and flowers. They sound greedy!

FineBerol · 16/01/2023 13:52

I think 65 is special. We celebrate every 5 after 60 for our relatives

dottiedodah · 16/01/2023 14:15

I think maybe a meal out together and a present/flowers would be fine .FIL can pay for a weekend away if he wants! 65 is not really "special"as such . Maybe a pretty clock or something like that that she can remember it by. You have just had a baby FFS!

Crunchymum · 16/01/2023 14:21

65th was the last birthday my mum ever had (and I am glad that we did do something to mark it). Although my mum was fucking lovely and there were no expectations re: presents.

NewYearNewName2023 · 16/01/2023 14:24

I wouldn't consider 65 a special birthday at all. It hasn't been retirement age for some time (and surely even then you'd celebrate when they actually retired, not just the birthday)

After 21 I would only consider those ending in 0 as a special one

bruffin · 16/01/2023 14:53

NewYearNewName2023 · 16/01/2023 14:24

I wouldn't consider 65 a special birthday at all. It hasn't been retirement age for some time (and surely even then you'd celebrate when they actually retired, not just the birthday)

After 21 I would only consider those ending in 0 as a special one

But was considered retirement age for people who are turning 65 about now for a lot of their life.