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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 65th birthday is not a Big Special one?

124 replies

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 10:35

Fil has messaged dh saying Mil's birthday is coming up and its a big one. It is worded like he expects us to buy something expensive like a weekend away for them or something. They seem to think every 5 years is a big important birthday for them. They have also never done anything or bought us bigger presents on our 30th.
AIBU to think 65th is not that important and they certainly don't get to try to say what we buy for them. Especially something expensive given the cost of living at the moment and we have also just had a baby and have the extra expensive of that.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 16/01/2023 11:21

MIL seemed to think 65 was a big one. She paid for us all to stay in a luxury villa in Spain with a private chef on her birthday.

Maybe your in law's can treat you similarly!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 16/01/2023 11:23

Well 65 used to be a significant birthday at one time for men…for women it was age 60 = retirement, a change of lifestyle but the change in retirement age has put paid to that.
FIL can hint all he wants, you don’t have to break the bank or go into debt.

EL8888 · 16/01/2023 11:25

Georgeskitchen · 16/01/2023 11:20

What is it with these older parents expecting their adult children to spend huge amounts on their birthdays? Particularly if they are raising young families?
I have 4 adult children, 2 raising children, one trying to get on the property ladder. A card and a box of chocs/bottle of wine is more than adequate in my view. Maybe a little more on a 60th/70th

There have been a spate of these kind of threads recently. In contrast my inlaws freely acknowledge they are in a better situation than most, especially my husband and l as they have no mortgage or childcare costs

I also don’t agree with the “5” birthday thing. It is grabby

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 11:26

I would consider 65 a milestone birthday, but I wouldn't consider 30 to be one.

30s definitely a big one. It's the point at which you can no longer pretend to be young.

gannett · 16/01/2023 11:27

People can consider whatever birthday they want to be special or a milestone, but they don't get to set your budget for you. Whether it's a 30th or a 50th or a 65th, you spend what you want and can afford - ignore any hints otherwise, which would be flat-out rude.

forrestgreen · 16/01/2023 11:28

'Oh thanks for reminding us, we'll definitely pick up a special card'

And leave it at that. Nobody tells me how to spend my money

HelloJan · 16/01/2023 11:28

I think everyone gets to decide what's special for them, but it's weird to ask that someone buys you an expensive gift.

JenniferBarkley · 16/01/2023 11:29

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 11:26

I would consider 65 a milestone birthday, but I wouldn't consider 30 to be one.

30s definitely a big one. It's the point at which you can no longer pretend to be young.

I'd agree 65 is a bigger deal than 30 tbh. As I said above, I'd consider it as big as 21. I don't think any other birthdays are as big a deal, except 100!

Not for any particular reason other than tradition.

Original poster
UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 11:43

Fil considered 60 to be really important too and the 80 pounds Joseph Joseph set we got for Mil was not good enough.

OP posts:
TightFistedWozerk · 16/01/2023 11:48

Joseph Joseph makes kitchen equipment, nice foldy chopping boards and nesting mixing bowls etc.
FIL has a lot to say - what did MIL say about her Joseph Joseph haul?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/01/2023 11:49

Imo nobody's birthday is that important to anyone but themselves...
Send a big badge and a cake.

forrestgreen · 16/01/2023 11:54

If you send the present in the post you won't know what fil thinks. If he rang me to tell me I'd certainly share my thoughts on how rude it was.

Original poster
UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 11:54

what did MIL say about her Joseph Joseph haul? somewhere between meh and that's nice. I again think they were both, especially Fil expecting something more expensive

OP posts:
Coffeecreme · 16/01/2023 11:55

just be prepared for FIL's grabby rudeness.
you know it will happen by the sound it things.

Curiosity101 · 16/01/2023 11:55

Arguably no birthday is special. It's just another day. Socially we've come to an agreement on average that certain birthdays are more special than others... But they aren't, not really.

So if every 5th birthday is special to them then I wouldn't begrudge them that joy. But... I wouldn't go all out for it anymore than I would at any other birthday and I would say YANBU to only do what you feel comfortable with and give a present you're happy to give. I'd recommend validating any assumptions on presents and make any adjustments to their expectations in advance. But other than that try to ignore it?

Coffeecreme · 16/01/2023 11:55

or tell them money is tight and remind them its the thought that counts.

Crumpleton · 16/01/2023 11:57

MIL should appreciate the fact that FIL treats her like a Princess on all these 'milestone' dates and buys her beautiful expensive gifts.
Or does he?
But neither should assume you can ir even want to do the same.

opencheese · 16/01/2023 11:57

Depends

Did she have a big special celebration 5 years ago?

Appleass · 16/01/2023 12:00

smaller than 66 but bigger than 64! Birthdays are just numbers, made big by card shops -just a load of old bunkum !

Kitkatcatflap · 16/01/2023 12:03

If your FIL wants to make a fuss then good for him and especially her but it's completely unreasonable to expect and suggest expensive presents. You say money is tight with a new baby and the current cost of living but his attitude is unreasonable full stop. It's his choice not yours-

gannett · 16/01/2023 12:08

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2023 11:43

Fil considered 60 to be really important too and the 80 pounds Joseph Joseph set we got for Mil was not good enough.

It was phenomenally rude of him to tell you this. How dare he? If anyone in my life made it known to me that my gift wasn't good enough, it would be the last gift they received from me.

I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your in-laws' toxic behaviour.

Ginisatonic · 16/01/2023 12:08

I think you should just buy what you planned to. Nobody has a right to expect anything for their birthday.
I will say I wouldn’t be very excited about kitchen items for my birthday. It’s not really a personal present.

TheHomeEdit · 16/01/2023 12:09

Unless someone has asked for it I’m not sure kitchen bits are a very exciting birthday present - even Joseph Joseph ones. Maybe it was less the cost and more the fact the gift was unwhelming. I mean an iron is nice but I think it would be a pretty odd birthday gift, unless specifically requested.
Doesn’t mean I think you need to organise a weekend away - but maybe something actually for your MIL rather than the house?

JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 12:12

Interestingly I didn't think 30 was a big one. 18th/21st 40th, 50th, 60th, ....
65 used to he retirement so if this coincides that pretty significant however I'd say it was mostly down to your dad to plan something if that's what he feels his wife would like. I sure wouldn't be having parties every 5 years but a family meal out would be nice. Tbhni wouldn't even expect bit yo be on the actual day.
Have you asked him if he's planning anything? It could be he's not expecting half of what you think

Nannyfannybanny · 16/01/2023 12:12

I don't think any birthdays are special either, agree, just another day. Why is 21 a milestone,you come of age,at 18 in the UK.