To think 65th birthday is not a Big Special one?

[UsernameTalk]

Fil has messaged dh saying Mil's birthday is coming up and its a big one. It is worded like he expects us to buy something expensive like a weekend away for them or something. They seem to think every 5 years is a big important birthday for them. They have also never done anything or bought us bigger presents on our 30th.
AIBU to think 65th is not that important and they certainly don't get to try to say what we buy for them. Especially something expensive given the cost of living at the moment and we have also just had a baby and have the extra expensive of that.

Get the grabby twat a bunch of flowers from the garage. In fact don't give it any more headspace, let DH sort it out.

What did your father in law actually ask you to pay for? If you’re just anticipating he might at some future point ask for something I wouldn’t waste headspace worrying about it.

I'd just reply with something like, "I'll keep an eye out for a 65th birthday card".
My 65th was special to me because (here in NZ) I started to be paid national superannuation. I'm not retired and have no intention of retiring for about 3-4 years, health permitting. Though it was an important milestone for me, I didn't expect my family or friends to make any sort of fuss.

This. Milestones birthdays varies from family to family but reaching 65 has traditionally been retirement age (and I always thought of this age as the beginning of senior years).

A different issue is if your FIL is expecting you to give MIL a huge gift when they've never bothered with yours that much, and the cost of living has skyrocketed for young families.

I think if you made a fuss at her 60th I wouldn't worry about doing it again. Plus they don't seem grateful or appreciative. Spend what you can afford and not a penny more! Making a fuss shouldn't be about gifts.

No birthdays are special.

How incredibly childish.

Don't get drawn into elaborate plans and gifts. If they wat to do it that's fine. I'd just be polite and give MIL a gift and a card as normal.

No. It's not a big one.

How did i guess it'd be MIL?

We celebrate 65 in our family, and 70 and 75 and 80....but no expectation of big presents to fancy parties just making an effort to do something nice together.

Emotional blackmail and tantrums are common.

I'm not in the slightest bit surprised.

Does your DH fully see the dysfunctional/narcissistic/emotionally immature behaviour? As I'm sure you have guessed we have a similar situation but a few years further down the road...I think we manage it well now but it is still draining and sad to have such key family members who act like this. Nobody wins.

I would say no, it is not a big birthday.... Unless maybe they are worried she won't reach 70?

Speak for yourself! I consider every birthday to be special, and I also consider myself to be a "sensible adult". Some of us like to retain a little bit of joy in our lives.

Why just men? Didn't women get a state pension?
Not a "blast from the past" everywhere either. I'm in NZ and depending on how I feel at the time I will hopefully be retiring at 65 when I get my national superannuation.

Milestone or not they don't get to decide what you buy them. Spend what you want and gey your oh to respond if they are unhappy.

I'd just reply "No worries. Card already bought and have ordered her some flowers. I hope she has a lovely day".

I think women actually got their state pension at 60 in the old days! But of course it was a lower sum than the husband's would be. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.

I also like to retain joy in my life! But having my age milestones rubbed in doesn't give me joy; it gives me pain.

But if others get joy from their birthdays, fine! Just so long as they don't press me to celebrate mine.

Leadbridge
Does your DH fully see the dysfunctional/narcissistic/emotionally immature behaviour? As I'm sure you have guessed we have a similar situation but a few years further down the road...I think we manage it well now but it is still draining and sad to have such key family members who act like this. Nobody wins

Unfortunately he doesn't see all their behaviour as dysfunctional and narcissistic. It causes alot of arguments. How did you get to a place where you manage it well? It certainly is draining.

Of course it's a birthday worthy of fuss, but the fuss (and expense) should come from your inlaws. They're not kids. When you get older, you put the effort in to others celebrating your birthday with you.

@UsernameTalk I guess it was a fairly slow process in stages...the short answer is that we are almost immune to emotional blackmail as we see it for what it is - and question the narrative, ignore the 'heavy hints' and dropped the rope on quite a few things.

There is a much longer answer - conversation really - we could have about it (pm me if you think talking to someone who understands (to some extent) can help).

On a day-to-day basis I aim not to mention them at all, I've pretty much removed myself from the situation emotionally so I have taken on a kind of counsellor role with DH as situations arise rather than the rants we used to decent into.

I feel what it comes down to isn't whether you are being unreasonable, but how close you are to the individual and your finances of course. It is probably more important on the thoughtfulness of the gift and your ability to pick something that is fun for them.

I'm married with 3 grown children. I spend generously on birthdays and Holidays. I turned 65 and barely got a birthday card. Least my wife made me a delicious cake. Life is what it is. Try not to let it bother you and move on.

Depends on the person and how they feel about their birthdays I was 65 last year, but I didn’t think of it as a big birthday 21 30 40 50 60 etc is.